I don't know..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by expressive_child, Nov 7, 2007.

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  1. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    I realize now, how close I am to the end but I also know that I have to stand alone. If there is only one thing I can believe that can help me through this is love. Yet I have to face the harsh reality that its not meant for people like me and no matter how much I crave for it, I will only end up craving in silence because nothing matters to other people. I am not sure why do I still care about money, relationship, and most of all life. Why do I care when tomorrow will still be bleak and all the days to come are uninvited? I guess I have no future and I am not so sure if I give a damn. I am living for the moment, and if I have to die tomorrow, I don't think I will regret anyway.

    All of the things that has happened to me tells me its not worth living another day and this so called hope I am holding on to is just a lie, a lie that I am living with each and every moment to keep myself alive though I know I have to face the truth in the end. I am already at the point of no return and to tell myself that there is something better to hope for does not make sense, at least, not anymore. This sullenness is devouring me within. And my sadness will make this hatred I have within grow stronger and sooner or later it will be too overwhelming for me. So I guess I don't have to wait for it to finally break me. Because if it will sooner or later, then I guess it don't really matter when.

    Smiling is a luxury, something I can never afford anymore, because I have no reason to. I'll fight if only I still could, and deep down I know well enough I would. Life is something that most people live, but for some people, its a burden because they are not meant to feel happy and thus being alive becomes an unsolicited existence. I am merely one of them and maybe so I am better off than some are but I guess its not adequate to make me feel stronger, not at all or perhaps not anymore.
     
  2. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Hi there,

    I can really hear your pain in this post, and just wanted to let you know that I hear you. I'm sorry that things are so difficult, but i truly hope that you do not harm yourself.. you deserve more than that. Please keep talking if it helps.. we're listening

    Jenny x
     
  3. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    Thanks Jenny. But still, it takes more than miracles to make me reconsider about giving myself another chance. I guess if something is meant to be over, it will be, anyhow. Everything that happened to me reminds me that I should have died long ago, preferably when I was born if only I knew I'll end up this way. Again, thanks. :hug:
     
  4. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    It's good to hear from you again.. sorry you feel this way though. We're always here if you want to talk :) x
     
  5. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni

    We are here ex and we don't want you to go. :hug:
     
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