I don't want to, but I have been contemplating it. Not like it's been preoccupying my mind but as a sort of cop out. I now know that the method I chose was pretty close to successful and that it was completely painless. I want a reason to keep living, without the pain. But the pain---the pain that has happened in the past is just too overwhelming, when will things get better? And honestly, the only peace I've ever found was in drugs...drugs and of course those few moments of feeling free, which are rare. But things do seem to be getting better, I just don't even have an opinion on suicide.