I don't know..

[paintedsmile]

I ache to be away from myself..my own being..and grant everyone else the pleasure of never seeing me again. It's hard to see ahead...hard to keep going after I've been trying for so long to try fight the battle.the darkness is just too much.

I mean I really want to get better..and I sure as hell try..but I'm just a lost cause it feels like. The doctors are tired of me because they say 5 yrs has been "long enough" and I should be better now. People in my life say "get over it" or ostracize me all together.
I can never say the truth about how I feel..or at least not the whole truth. It'd be better for everyone to think I'm okay,even if I'm on the brink of self destruction..and even then it'd be one less thing to worry about.

The more time passes things become less real..i can't understand them anymore words make no sense,what I see, hear,feel..breaks apart..and turns into something foreign.
I fell like such a ghost, a meaningless presence that only causes harm
an alien,a curse, a mistake.I feel the urge to just "poof" right now..then I'll weigh no one down,I won't curse people's lives,I won't creep them out,I wont burden them.. I want everyone else to be with out the factor of me disrupting their lives.

 

[middleofnowhere]

Are you meeting with a counsellor or therapist? If not, they could help you see yourself more positively because every human being has value. One thing that has helped me has been an anxiety/depression support group I've been going to. It helps me look at myself by looking at others and learning how they cope. A doctor shouldn't be giving up on you. They should be doubling their efforts to find out why the things they've been doing haven't been effective.

It is possible to get through your problems. I thought I never would, but my life is surely better now than it was a year ago, after 6 or 7 really bad years. Keep up the hard work. Don't let other people run or ruin your life, and try not to believe that you're ruining theirs.

 

[paintedsmile]

no I'm not,at least not one on one. I don't like the group I'm in too much. I just don't do well in group settings,not sure why.

The part of me that thought it was possible is gone,and it feels so hopeless. I don't wan titt to be,I try to think positive and tell myself I can get better. It just doesn't seem real though,I can't see it as truth no matter how much I push it. I'm not letting myself feel hopeless,I just am. I alwas reach and strive,but I keep gettting pushed back by the voices looming in my head,or by the poepl who said they care.

anyway thanks for replying I appreciate it