I ache to be away from myself..my own being..and grant everyone else the pleasure of never seeing me again. It's hard to see ahead...hard to keep going after I've been trying for so long to try fight the battle.the darkness is just too much. I mean I really want to get better..and I sure as hell try..but I'm just a lost cause it feels like. The doctors are tired of me because they say 5 yrs has been "long enough" and I should be better now. People in my life say "get over it" or ostracize me all together. I can never say the truth about how I feel..or at least not the whole truth. It'd be better for everyone to think I'm okay,even if I'm on the brink of self destruction..and even then it'd be one less thing to worry about. The more time passes things become less real..i can't understand them anymore words make no sense,what I see, hear,feel..breaks apart..and turns into something foreign. I fell like such a ghost, a meaningless presence that only causes harm an alien,a curse, a mistake.I feel the urge to just "poof" right now..then I'll weigh no one down,I won't curse people's lives,I won't creep them out,I wont burden them.. I want everyone else to be with out the factor of me disrupting their lives.