I don't know...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ateg, Feb 1, 2009.

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  1. ateg

    ateg Member

    I don't really know if I am suicidal, but I do long for death.
    I go to bed every night hoping not to wake.
    I wake up every morning hoping maybe something will happen.
    If I have some sort of major pain I hope it will kill me.

    When all that does not happen I think of only one reason that holds me to this ground, a question that brings me to hold onto this mortal existence. Will I go to hell if I die?

    I really don't enjoy life, I enjoy times of life, but they do not outweigh my longing for death. I had a major accident when I was a teen, which now causes me great pain on a daily basis. I lost my nephew a few years ago whom I spent almost every day of his life with. I developed a skin condition that makes it where I have to cover up most of my body in order to hide most of it. I haven't searched for a relationship for a long time now because of all this.

    I am really not sure what I am doing here except maybe searching for something to hold me back from finally saying, screw it, and be done with it.

    I know some of you out there are not religious but, to those that are. Is searching for death considered suicide? I don't know.....
  2. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you are really on the edge of becoming actively suicidal. The trials you are facing would wear anyone down after a while. Perhaps its a good time to seek some help now, like talking to your doctor, before you slip any further.

    Are you Catholic? They have dogma about suicides going to hell, but then according to the old traditions so did the gluttonous (the fat), the greedy (the rich), the lustful (those who have sex outside of marriage), ursurers (people who lend money for interest-like bankers, financiers), blasphemers, etc. etc. etc. So if you don't believe all those other groups are going to go to hell, then there is no reason to believe suicides would either.
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi ateg and welcome to SF. :welcome: In my opinion, you don't seem immediately suicidal, but you do seem like you have lost some motivation for life. It sounds like you're stuck in a rut or possibly depressed. I think you need to look inside yourself and find out what you want out of life. See what makes you happy and do those things. :hug:
  4. ateg

    ateg Member

    No, I am not catholic, just spiritual. That's probably the only thing that has kept me from doing anything at this point to be honest. I don't really believe it, but nor do I want to take the chance. Fear of not seeing my nephew again. Doctors might be a good idea, but the money that it would take is not there, and I doubt I would go to one anyhow. I tend to just try and work things out alone most of the time, without having to deal with someone face to face.
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