I don't know...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mooacow, Feb 13, 2009.

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  1. Mooacow

    Mooacow Member

    I've been severely disconnected lately. I don't talk to anyone aside from my roommate (for rent and stuff), and all my "friends" have avoided talking to me for the last 6 months. I have difficulty making friends; I always choke up in conversations with anyone, because I'm nervous about what they might think. Every time I make a friend, I lose him or her since they seem to move on to bigger and better things. I'm not always

    I'm at the bottom of the chain.

    When I was younger I was ridiculed alot by both other students at my school AND my teachers. I was even expelled from my elementary school for no good reason. I didn't even realize it was unfair until I was much older. People used to say I was stupid, weak, and ugly. I'm pretty sure they still think like that. I didn't really make friends until I was in high school, and they seemed to have ditched me...

    I'm currently stuck in a bad drug habit, since I wake up every morning feeling like shit, and come back from class feeling even worse. I feel scared to even approach class and frightened whenever I sit down to listen to lecture. I'm worried someone will notice that I exist; I just don't want to. (I go to a University btw). So I come home and try to make myself happier through drugs. It usually works, but I feel dependent on those for happiness. I still wake up feeling like shit. My grades have been dropping, and I don't know what I want to major in. I've never been smart; I'm surprised I was even accepted into a University.

    I've never been in a relationship with a female (I'm a guy); I think someone would burst out laughing or probably be disgusted at the thought of having any sort of romantic interest in me.

    My family loves me, but I don't think I deserve it. I've never done anything to be proud of. I'm just a burden to my parents. They have plenty of money, but I don't think they should waste anything on me.

    I'm just a waste of space; I'm too easy to take advantage of, and haven't helped anyone with anything really. I probably couldn't keep my friends because I couldn't offer anything. I'm upset that I can't just kill myself since I'm a little afraid. I guess it's wrong to do so, but really, I don't see anything that points towards a positive future in any sort of way for myself.

    I guess I shouldn't feel this way, which is why I'm posting here. Can anyone offer some insight? I know I'm probably wasting your time, but I guess it would be appreciated...
     
  2. LastCrusade

    LastCrusade Well-Known Member

    what you have is very low self-esteem as a result of your past negative experiences in life. I'm certain that you know this deep inside u. now that you know, you have to take the first step to improve ur self esteem. you have rights as well as opinions of your own and should not allow anyone to put you down anymore from now onwards. So the next time some one steps on you, you should stand up for yourself. you would feel much better. that is your 1st step to life.
     
  3. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    ....i'm so sorry you are in a difficult place...but i am so glad you reached out here. that is a positive step - it shows there is a part of you that is TRYING to connect, to heal, to move forward.

    you ARE deserving of your parents, and others', love. you have value, and a place in this world. i would ask you to think about ways you can treat yourself, like a treasure....what are some ways you can be loving, to yourself?

    keep reaching out here, there are many wonderful people, we all care, and we all try to stick together....there is a chance and a hope for you hun...i am sure of it. (((hugs))) xx
     
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