im not sure why im even bothering writing this. its not going to sound the way i want it to. ive never been able to get across the point in the way it is supposed to be. its a pain in the butt to talk to my friends, why do i think it will be easier to tell random people about what is going on. hell half the time i think my closest friend gets tired of me. cant say that i blame her. who wants to be friends with someone who thinks their life is worthless. and has no real hope of doing anything good with his life. i dont know. i just wish it would end. i really dont want to be here anymore. all i do is waste resources that could be used on people who will actually make a difference in this world. i just screw up things when they are going good. she says i need to open up to people, talk to them about what is going on. and i try that, and she doesn't have anything to say, hardly talks to me anymore. whats the point of opening up to someone if all they will do is ignore you. i dont get it. maybe what i said wasn't considered opening up. if so, i have no idea how to do it. i dont know what to talk about with people. all im good at is sitting there with a blank stare on my face listening to someone talk. i dont know how to console someone, can never think of something to say. yeah maybe i can talk about the latest technology, but after awhile that gets old. and most people could give a rats ass about it. ehhh, wish i knew where this was going. to much stuff floating around this messed up head of mine. i just suck at being friends with people, having conversations, being human in general. i dont know what to do. no use trying to find another job. ill just end up getting fired because ill screw up somehow. get to work late one to many times, fall asleep again, something. no use trying to go back to school. same reasons as the job, plus i really dont know what i would want to do. dont feel like wasting more of my and my parents money on something that we wont see a return on. damn near useless trying to find a girlfriend. can barely talk to people i have known for years, how will i be able to talk to someone new. let alone open up to them, even if i knew how to do so. im tired of rambling on. still dont know why i wrote this. i just dont know what to do. wish i would have succeeded in one of my past attempts, wouldn't have to worry about any of this.