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i dont know

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by shortroundmg, Feb 20, 2009.

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  1. shortroundmg

    shortroundmg Member

    im not sure why im even bothering writing this. its not going to sound the way i want it to. ive never been able to get across the point in the way it is supposed to be. its a pain in the butt to talk to my friends, why do i think it will be easier to tell random people about what is going on. hell half the time i think my closest friend gets tired of me. cant say that i blame her. who wants to be friends with someone who thinks their life is worthless. and has no real hope of doing anything good with his life. i dont know. i just wish it would end. i really dont want to be here anymore. all i do is waste resources that could be used on people who will actually make a difference in this world. i just screw up things when they are going good. she says i need to open up to people, talk to them about what is going on. and i try that, and she doesn't have anything to say, hardly talks to me anymore. whats the point of opening up to someone if all they will do is ignore you. i dont get it. maybe what i said wasn't considered opening up. if so, i have no idea how to do it. i dont know what to talk about with people. all im good at is sitting there with a blank stare on my face listening to someone talk. i dont know how to console someone, can never think of something to say. yeah maybe i can talk about the latest technology, but after awhile that gets old. and most people could give a rats ass about it. ehhh, wish i knew where this was going. to much stuff floating around this messed up head of mine. i just suck at being friends with people, having conversations, being human in general.

    i dont know what to do. no use trying to find another job. ill just end up getting fired because ill screw up somehow. get to work late one to many times, fall asleep again, something. no use trying to go back to school. same reasons as the job, plus i really dont know what i would want to do. dont feel like wasting more of my and my parents money on something that we wont see a return on. damn near useless trying to find a girlfriend. can barely talk to people i have known for years, how will i be able to talk to someone new. let alone open up to them, even if i knew how to do so.

    im tired of rambling on. still dont know why i wrote this. i just dont know what to do. wish i would have succeeded in one of my past attempts, wouldn't have to worry about any of this.
  2. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Hi there & welcome to SF.

    Sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers rather than friends, you'll find a lot of people here can relate to you story & how you're feeling :hug:.

    Claire xx
  3. justafool

    justafool Well-Known Member

    Hi, I'm one of the "random people" you mentioned.

    You know what? As I read your post, I was forming a "positive" opinion of you, because you are so unlike the kind of people who I detest - stuck-up, self-glorifying snobs. You are down on yourself, but I really appreciate the humility that you demonstrate. It is a very admirable quality, and I find it charming. :cool:
  4. shortroundmg

    shortroundmg Member

    think im going to just give up on talking to people. it never does me any good.
  5. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hey, glad you came to s.f. and i hope you don't give up talking to us. .. we could use you here!

    each of us is a real live breathing person. .. (((someone here brought that up recently in a post. and i realized how true it is. .. but sometimes we can forget. .. so i am borrowing it . . . ))) but it is the truth.

    we are understanding, and non-judgmental. and i hope you find support here - i do - and it is amazing.
    xxxx and hugs....
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Short round,
    welcome to the forum!! When I first joined here I wasn't much on talking either because I had isolated my self for fourteen years. I would stay in my bedroom laying in bed staring at the ceiling wishing I was dead. Joining this forum has helped me to open up and to let people in on how I feel. I use alot of my experiences to try and help others. You will find your voice here and will find that people here will actually listen to you and give you all the support we can muster...
  7. shortroundmg

    shortroundmg Member

    my second post wasn't directed at you guys on here. it was towards people i know IRL. i dont know how to explain it. i kind of mentioned in my opening. might as well go into it a bit more. i tried to kill myself back before Christmas. i ended up texting my ex who is also one of my best friends. and since then we have been talking more. and im glad about that. she is one of the only people i have ever really talked about my emotions and past attempts with. well a couple weeks ago after we were talking and she went to bed, i ended up typing a long long rant/monologue/pouring-out. and sent it to her sometime early in the morning. i kind of regret sending it, but it did feel good to get a lot of it off my chest. i was expecting her to have some advice, comments, questions about what i wrote her. but she had nothing. she is very opinionated and always tells you what she is thinking, and it was weird for her not to have anything to say. it kind of upset me that she didn't have anything to say about it. im not sure why, i just expected her to have something.

    then a few days later i sent her another message asking what the point was in opening up to her. because all it seemed to do was drive her away. all she really said in return was that i need to gain some confidence, find a therapist and take meds. cant do the last two because i have no job. and cant find a job because i dont have confidence that i will be able to keep it. lovely catch 22.

    we've talked maybe 2-3 times since then. but i ended up sending her a few messages this week, frankly because i was planning on trying to kill myself again. i just wanted to get some closure on some things that ive been wondering. and she has just not said a word to me. she has been online, but it feels like she is ignoring me. i dont know. maybe she is tired of dealing with all the crap i have bestowed upon her by being friends. im not sure. maybe its my fault for being needy or something. im not sure. i dont know how to be a good friend. i asked her what i could do better, but no response.

    it just seems like its useless. i try and open up and i screw things up. i keep quiet and im anti-social. cant win either way. i just dont see the point. i hope that makes sense. im terrible at trying to get my point across. so yeah im not sure what to do.

    and justafool i dont mean any harm by "random people." everybody on here is random, i dont know anyone. this is the first forum that i think ive actually taken apart of. in all my years of surfing the net ive never seen the point in actually writing something for others to read. and im amazed ive written this much.

    ehh, my head is drained. its taken to long to figure out what to type, and make it somewhat coherent to all of you. time to go to bed.
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Short Round,
    I don't know what country you live in but if it's the USA. Why don't you write down your thoughts about suicide and then go to the ER and ask to see someone in mental health because you are planning on commiting suicide. They will probably admit you and let them read what you wrote.
    If they admit you then someone from billing dept. will come around to figure how the hospital bill is going to be paid. They will fill out the paperwork for MediCaid and once you are discharged get a letter from the shrink stating your mental status. Then go to medicaid and let them know you need to see a therapist. They may be able to help refer you to someone that accepts medicaid. There are always options so don't just give up..Think it over!!!
  9. shortroundmg

    shortroundmg Member

    i truly dont see the point in going to the hospital. if i get admitted and stay for a while. when i get out how will i pay for it. i highly doubt ill qualify for Medicaid. so id have to attempt to find a job. and with the economy and job market the way it is. who knows how long it will take. and if i do find one, i know it will be a matter of time before i end up screwing up and get fired. i dont have a good track record with keeping jobs. also dont see the point in trying to go back to school, failed out of two colleges in 3 years. no point in wasting anymore of mine and my parents money. i just dont see the point in trying anything, all i end up doing is screwing it up. ive probably fucked up my friendship with my best friend. try to open up to her and all it does is drive her away. sometimes i think im not supposed to be able to talk to people.

    eeehhh, i dont know. i just dont see the point in trying anything. would be easier to just go. then no one will have to worry about me. i dont know.

    ( **side bar** i need to stop using "i dont know" it gets repetitious, and im not sure what else to use. it is true though, i dont know what to do. i just dont know of any other way to say it. writing is not a strong point of mine. **end side bar** )
  10. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hey hun... sorry you are in such a low state of mind. and please don't worry about the '''i don't know's."! it's all fine.....

    glad you are reaching out here. you could give stranger1's advice, a try. or else there are private therapists available. and many at sliding scale fees. the point is, therapy can work, esp, a combo of therapy and meds.

    you mentioned possibly alienating your friend. . . many of us here are faced wtih that same situation. but here, we all are very understanding and non-judgmental. please reach out here, , , stranger1 is amazing. ..and caring. .. and i would be more than happy to listen anytime. my pm box is open hun.

    just to note. i have '''lurked'' in forums, but they were pertaining to personal hobbies, interests, ,,etc. this is the only forum i have participated in - and i have been amazed at the support and the REAL people i have met here. real friends, who have saved me, and who continue to do so. . . because they are so caring, and because i care about them. you are included in our circle.... xxx :hug:
  11. shortroundmg

    shortroundmg Member

    ok, ive somewhat talked with my friend. basically said that all i do is repeat the same things over and over. and never talk about anything else. granted it is true to an extent. it just ticks me off that anytime i try to ask her something she hardly responds. and honestly i dont know what else to talk about. i suck at making small talk and im even worse at talking about things that actually matter. i can never get my point across fast enough. ill just sit there trying to think of something to say. hell typing up these messages on the forum take a while.

    plus half the time i get the feeling that she doesn't want me to know anything else about her. she made a comment a few weeks ago when we were trying to find some place to eat. i suggested we go to red lobster, and she said she was allergic to seafood. and got pissed off at me because i didn't know that, and said that i probably dont know things about her that everybody else does. got to say its probably true. and i hate that. but she doesn't ever seem to want to give me anymore info about her.

    so i figured i would ask her about it. does she actually want me to know more about her. is that something that is unreasonable to ask somebody? personally i dont think it is, but maybe im wrong. who knows if she will answer me. she was away when i sent the question, and i know she has been back to her computer. i just have a feeling im going to have to live without an answer.

    so is this an unreasonable request from her? some social taboo that i should not be crossing?

    also i wanted to thank you guys for listening. it is nice to be able to rant and actually get a response back. thanks.
  12. shortroundmg

    shortroundmg Member

    i guess asking such a thing is to much. she didn't reply to anything until the time she signed off. i suppose it wouldn't have changed anything. just would have been nice to know if i mattered at all to her, to be included in whats going on in her life. i just wish she knew how much it would have meant to me to actually get an answer and for her to be honest with me. wished i could have figured out how to be a better friend to her sooner, might actually not have to be in this situation. not that its her fault, just maybe i would have been able to deal with things better. but i guess the person who said i was a "fucking waste of life" is correct. if my closest friend, someone ive loved for many years, cant tell me more about her, tell me how to be a better friend. i guess im just destined to be a miserable fucking waste of life for as long as i live. ill be here in the morning, maybe someone will say something meaningful. cant make any promises after that though.
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