I don't know..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rukia, Nov 11, 2009.

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  1. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    It goes in circles. I feel suicidal, then I feel bad for wanting to leave, then I feel even more suicidal.... I'm not about to leave, I'll wait until the right moment unless something bad happen. If something doesn't go my way, I'll just end it as soon as I'm alone. It's getting close to Christmas and right now I'm thinking that I don't want to ruin that for anyone. But I don't know. There is no reason for me to die, but there is no real reason to stay either. I live my life the way people expect me to, just so they won't understand what I'm planning, but when the night comes I'm so tired of pretending. Is it worth it? Giving them a little while longer with me in their life? I want to die so much, it's on my mind all the time. A question came into my head earlier, what if I was happy? Would that change anything? It would probably keep me alive, but I think I would still be suicidal. But I don't want to be happy, I want to die.

    I don't even know why I write this. Maybe somewhere deep down there is a part of me that is hoping for something to change, that I'll really start fighting again. Or maybe I just want some attention before I go. I don't know.
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    :hug: Cling to the hope that things will get better. Are you seeing a doctor?
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Hanne,
    I also think about suicide all the time.. But I know I won't act on it unless something drastic happens..I live in total isolation.. Have no friends, Family doesn't talk to me because I am the weird uncle..So I don't have anything to keep me from doing it..
    The only reason I haven't done it is because I have been thru therapy for four years.. I have so many questions of myself that they keep my mind occupied..Maybe you should see a therapist so you can put your thoughts into words.. It might surprise you what comes out..
    Anyhow I wish you the best and hope to see you around here for a long time.. Take Care!!
  4. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Hey there Rukia, I'm sorry you're feeling like that. Say, why don't you go into a bit more detail about your life? What do you do? Why do you say you life as other people expect you to? I'd like to know those things to give you better advice.

    In the meantime, stay strong and keep posting, we're here for ya :)
  5. sucidalgirl99

    sucidalgirl99 Well-Known Member

    I think about it all the time. I'm always here for you, so feel free to PM me.
  6. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I'd like to think that happiness changes everything, the continuous thoughts of suicide, s/h etc...Try to cling to that spec of hope left in you, a lot of us are in the same boat so don't feel alone :tongue:. Keep Safe :)
  7. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    Doctors and therapy don't work for me. I think I'm the only one that can change the way I think and feel, but I don't want to. I want to be suicidal, I want to die.

    I go to school every day and work when they need me, and spend time with my friends and family whenever they want to, just so no one will understand that I'm not ok.
  8. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    How do you know that therapy doesn't work for you? Have you tried it? And if so, did you give it up? If you did, then that is why it didn't work. You need to stick with it. I know how you feel about wanting to die, there's nothing wrong with it, but there is something wrong with going through with it. You will devistate your family and friends, and make their lifes a hundred times worse. It is crucial that you think about others at this time, and stop thinking about yourself. Keep battling on, and don't give up.
  9. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    Yes, I've tried it and it made me feel worse. I can't tell anyone in person that I'm suicidal, it's just not possible for me to do that. I don't know why. My therapist knew that I was suicidal, but she never asked me directly about it. And suddenly she said that I didn't need therapy anymore.

    I know my death will hurt those who love me and that has kept me alive for years, but there are days when I just don't care. One of those days will be my last.
  10. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    I hope I'm not too way out of line by saying this, but your comment about not wanting to change how you feel,wanting to be suicidal, rings bells with me. Like, i'm feeling really bad and feel pressured into having to make myself feel better, feel good and all the time i'm digging my heels in going NO I feel bad and I'm going to stay feeling bad because that feels right.

    And I wonder if your feelings, wanting to die, aren't that you are in a lot of pain that you can't deal with, can't tell anyone about, but you can't get rid of it because it's important, it's what everything is really about?
  11. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hey Rukia,

    First off, I'm sorry you feel so low at the moment. If there is anything I can do, or if you need someone to talk to, pm me.

    You should really reconsider seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist again. Sometimes when going through therapy, you need to get worse in order to get better. Its sort of like a one step backwards to take 2 steps forward kind of thing. I can really relate to feeling worse after therapy, but its at that CRUCIAL stage that you have to push forward for it to work.

    Depending on the situation, feeling worse after therapy can often be seen as a good thing because it means you're allowing yourself to go through your emotions and its the only way of working through them.

    I know its tough, I really do. But isn't it worth one more try?

    All the best.

  12. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    I guess I could have tried therapy again, but I don't think it would work. There is no way that I could tell anyone that I'm suicidal, I always end up saying I'm ok or I'm fine or even Everything is perfect. That is just me. I believe that it's up to me to start thinking positive and I could probably change the way I feel in just a few weeks, if I wanted to. But I don't want that. Or I don't know what I want. Sometimes I'm thinking that I should live until I've met the person that mean the most to me, but that will probably not happen so why wait. He is the main reason that I'm still here.

    I don't know what I was going write. I'm so tired, tired of pretending all day without a break.
  13. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hi Rukia,

    I can definitely relate. I also hide all my feelings inside, so that my friends and family can't see them. My response to "Are you ok?" is almost always "I'm fine". Even in the middle of crying, I say I'm fine. It can be so difficult to open up, so I truly do understand.

    The thing about helping yourself though, you can't objectively look at your feelings and decide to start changing them. During depression, normally a person doesn't possess the clarity of mind to see where the problem lies. You're trying to help yourself and think things through with a mind that is the problem in the first place. Sometimes we just need help, be it from a psychiatrist, psychologist or just a close friend or family member. We need someone to just take the load off, even if just for a minute.

    I hope you find someone, I really do. Until then, we're always here to help.

    Take care!

  14. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    I want to end it right now! I have to wait until I get home, but if I don't calm down by then I will just leave.
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