It goes in circles. I feel suicidal, then I feel bad for wanting to leave, then I feel even more suicidal.... I'm not about to leave, I'll wait until the right moment unless something bad happen. If something doesn't go my way, I'll just end it as soon as I'm alone. It's getting close to Christmas and right now I'm thinking that I don't want to ruin that for anyone. But I don't know. There is no reason for me to die, but there is no real reason to stay either. I live my life the way people expect me to, just so they won't understand what I'm planning, but when the night comes I'm so tired of pretending. Is it worth it? Giving them a little while longer with me in their life? I want to die so much, it's on my mind all the time. A question came into my head earlier, what if I was happy? Would that change anything? It would probably keep me alive, but I think I would still be suicidal. But I don't want to be happy, I want to die. I don't even know why I write this. Maybe somewhere deep down there is a part of me that is hoping for something to change, that I'll really start fighting again. Or maybe I just want some attention before I go. I don't know.