I feel shitty for having to come on to here and post publicly my pathetic feelings. It's stupid for the way that I feel. I'm stupid for feeling this way, but it's like I just can't live anymore. Every turn seems like a dead end. I have these dreams and sometimes it just feels like they're too out of reach. But... its something I want so badly. I understand that we don't always get what we want... it's just... if I don't live that dream, I feel like I'd have nothing left. There's times where I'm confident that it'll happen, but I never know with myself. It's all I want out of life. You're probably wondering 'what's so unachievable about their dream?' Well, being a musician, from my understanding, is never an easy job. Not in the least. It's all I want, but I don't have the money to reach my goal, nor the time. I'm always using every spare second to keep myself together. To keep myself sane. I have no job to get myself the proper tools to even become a musician. It hurts when it's all I want. My dream is all that keeps me holding on. I think without it, or even if I somewhat lose sight of it, I'll kill myself. I don't want anything else. I don't want any other job. But... how the fuck am I supposed to get there when I can't even afford a cup of coffee to survive with no job and no one is hiring me? It's bullshit. My life, right now, is pointless. If I were to kill myself, no one would care. I don't even think that one person, aside from my one best friend and a few family members, would come. I just want to be myself and no one else. I just want to do the things that I love... I want to be looked up to. But... how can anyone look up to a whiney bitch who feels like every second is a decade?