I don't know

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by LotusFlower, Apr 15, 2010.

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  1. LotusFlower

    LotusFlower Antiquities Friend

    I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I should call and apolagize to my worker, and my husband. I don't know why I feel like maybe they deserve an apolagy. I don't know what to do today. I am in town and stuck at the library and feel that I am supposed to be somewhere but don't know where. I feel foggy and like I am just going to end up wandering around town, not quite sure what I am supposed to do. I feel really confused about everything. I am still very low and feel very out of control. I just can't get over the feeling that I am supposed to be some where. I feel like walking down to the lake maybe but sort of feel like I would just keep on walking right off the peir. I feel very lost, and very confused and now I am just rambling.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    What happened that you feel you need to apologize for?
     
  3. LotusFlower

    LotusFlower Antiquities Friend

    I feel like I am messing up bad. I am lossing more time and I don't know if I am coming or going. I think I am just feeling like I am done with everything, meds, appointments, breathing. I feel like maybe people are thinking I am being diffcult and I am not trying to be. I am really not. I am trying to tell myself good things about myself, breathing and all that. I feel like just leaving it all behind. I just want to disapear into the wood work. I think I am really done. It is my daughters birthday party this weekend so I know I won't do anything until after. I don't want her to remember her mother dying on her birthday. I think I will just cancel everything for next week. I am just so confused right now. I don't feel like I am making any sense when I talk to people. I hardley remeber most of my appointment yesturday. I remember my husband was there and that we talked for a few minutes about my eatting. But I don't remember if I made another appointment or if I was supposed to call next week or today or tomorrow. So I called and left a message. Why I don't know. I guess I don't know much anymore. I don't even know how the hell I got to the place I am. I know I had some coffee with a friend for an hour or so. But honest to god I don't know where I have been, how I got there or what the hell I have been doing. I am so tired of this all. I just don't know. I just want to cancel the family party for my daughter on saturday and not deal with seeing people. I just don't know anymore
     
  4. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    First of all, you make sense to me, and I've been through what you're describing for ...years. I've been in confused, chaotic mess for so long- but what is most probably happening is that you're doing the only thing you know how to- with the wandering, losing time feeling out of control and low. Feeling you have to be somewhere- again, I know the feeling!

    Do you have a therapist and does she know what is going on with you?

    Have you been triggered, and how long has this been lasting?
     
  5. LotusFlower

    LotusFlower Antiquities Friend

    I do have a therapist, I have tried to explaine but I really don't even remember my last session. I know my husband brought up my eatting. I don't know what has triggered me right now. I have DID, PTSD, OCD, deppression etc. I just am so confused right now. I still feel like I have to be somewhere. I just don't know what to do.
     
  6. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    What is it stopping you from eating? Does your husband come to you to the sessions, and does he know how dissociated you are at the moment? If you're not eating, the confusion/wandering can get worse, cos psychologically you're again, trying to cope with lack of food in your body and the effects.

    I kinda guessed the DID, PTSD thing.

    Have you heard of grounding methods? Do you know of any that helps you?

    For me it's touch/contact. And you're in control of it. Which means, thinking and preparing food, sleep, safety, warmth, and breathing and touching your surroundings, stamping your feet on the floor, paying close attention to how your skin feels on every surface. Once you do those things, there is a possibility you might feel less confused, anxious, needing to flee or find something, and dissociated. You could even try doing this as you're walking. Pay close attention to your surroundings, and how your body feels in the environment.

    Does your therapist mention contact to you? My first one did. I only now can put it into context, because I probably appeared/presented myself a lot like you when I first saw her.

    I used to wander a lot like yourself. What I realised is, I needed to stay put and write what wandering was doing. Once I started to deal with those difficult feelings and process them through journalling, writing, drawing, the wandering, and need to go on a 'search' - or escape, lessened. Do you do any of these things?
     
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