i dont know

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nicola, Oct 30, 2006.

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  1. nicola

    nicola Member

    i really dont. know i mean. i dont know. im moving again, and i just dont see the point in anything. ive lost interest in everything. its like im on auto pilot. i got to school go to swim practice come home and then walk around the house like a ghost. i can plonk myself in front of the tele and just stare at nothing. sometiems i just watch the ceiling fan go round and round and round. i can do that for hours. its not about the move. i really dont care- been to like 8 schools but damn. ive never had any meaningful relations and i just want to be held. but then i see pictures of myself and ugh i hate how i look. ppl say im sknny but its not true. my body has so many imperfections. like the fat between the knees when i sit cross legged. and my nose stiks out too far. im not good enough for them. sometimes i think i am but then i realize im not.
    we had a traditional holiday the other day. my family was bursting firecrackers but i didnt want to be a part of it. my dad said "when was the last time you made an effort to do anything with us. youre ashamed of us huh?" and i tried telling him i said "its not just today its not just this its everything" and he said "yeah so why dont you do some thinking"
    THINKING
    damn it
    what do i think about? how stupid i sound right now? how silly these problems are that im making a fuss over?
    all my mum cares about are my grades. she doesnt want them to SLIP.
    i got my eyerbrows done left my hair down and tried on make up. im 16 and i never did it before. she said to FOCUS on important thigns.
    i just want to feel beautiful.
    i cant concentrate anymore in school like i used to. doing math makes me want to cry just because i cant see a way out. and im left with numbers and no solutinos and im going round and round and round and round like a celing fan except i cant watch myself because it never stops. maybe i should stop.
    sorry. whatever i doesnt matter. ill probably never do it anyways. so it doesnt matter
     
  2. Maja

    Maja Member

    nicola,

    What you wrote was really packed with emotion and I think it takes a lot to really communicate that emotion. Thanks for sharing.

    I'm sorry to hear that things are so overwhelming for you. Everything that you described is valid - you don't need to feel bad about feeling the way you do. We can't control our emotions. Even though there is a lot going on for you, what would you say is the things that is bothering your the most? Sometimes when there are a lot of things bothering you it can make it more overwhelming to try to deal with everything at once. Instead, it can help to look at one piece of the puzzle at a time. So if you can think about which one thing you want to focus on first then perhaps managing the whole situation will seem more realistic.

    What are some strengths that you have that can get you through this? I can tell that one of your strengths is the ability to be very introspective and to think critically about your world. What other qualities do you think you can rely on to get you through this?

    Take care nicola!

    Maja
     
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    ha ha well if it is any comfort no one thinks I am good enough either... but then again I am a male I am supposed to do the approaching and shit. But that is me this is you.

    As for your imperfections, no one is perfect. If you strive for perfection you might never be happy. You should stop paying attention to how you look. I know it is hard but just stop. Stop thinking about what goes with what and all that jazz.

    As for your parents, maybe you should learn how to just fake everything. That is what I do. I fake enthusiasm fake desire to do stuff fake wanting to be around them. At least then they will leave you alone. I know about my mom only caring about grades. A while back I lost something precious to me. I mean this was something I treasure more than my own life an object I would do anything for. I was devastated beyond anything. And my mom said "I am sorry but you need to get over this so you don't fail school" and I had only lost this object for 3 hours.

    So yeah just fake everything that is the best thing to do for now. Then once you have settled down and are not moving around a great bunch just make sure you are seen in the world and things should be ok.
     
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