i really dont. know i mean. i dont know. im moving again, and i just dont see the point in anything. ive lost interest in everything. its like im on auto pilot. i got to school go to swim practice come home and then walk around the house like a ghost. i can plonk myself in front of the tele and just stare at nothing. sometiems i just watch the ceiling fan go round and round and round. i can do that for hours. its not about the move. i really dont care- been to like 8 schools but damn. ive never had any meaningful relations and i just want to be held. but then i see pictures of myself and ugh i hate how i look. ppl say im sknny but its not true. my body has so many imperfections. like the fat between the knees when i sit cross legged. and my nose stiks out too far. im not good enough for them. sometimes i think i am but then i realize im not.
we had a traditional holiday the other day. my family was bursting firecrackers but i didnt want to be a part of it. my dad said "when was the last time you made an effort to do anything with us. youre ashamed of us huh?" and i tried telling him i said "its not just today its not just this its everything" and he said "yeah so why dont you do some thinking"
THINKING
damn it
what do i think about? how stupid i sound right now? how silly these problems are that im making a fuss over?
all my mum cares about are my grades. she doesnt want them to SLIP.
i got my eyerbrows done left my hair down and tried on make up. im 16 and i never did it before. she said to FOCUS on important thigns.
i just want to feel beautiful.
i cant concentrate anymore in school like i used to. doing math makes me want to cry just because i cant see a way out. and im left with numbers and no solutinos and im going round and round and round and round like a celing fan except i cant watch myself because it never stops. maybe i should stop.
sorry. whatever i doesnt matter. ill probably never do it anyways. so it doesnt matter
we had a traditional holiday the other day. my family was bursting firecrackers but i didnt want to be a part of it. my dad said "when was the last time you made an effort to do anything with us. youre ashamed of us huh?" and i tried telling him i said "its not just today its not just this its everything" and he said "yeah so why dont you do some thinking"
THINKING
damn it
what do i think about? how stupid i sound right now? how silly these problems are that im making a fuss over?
all my mum cares about are my grades. she doesnt want them to SLIP.
i got my eyerbrows done left my hair down and tried on make up. im 16 and i never did it before. she said to FOCUS on important thigns.
i just want to feel beautiful.
i cant concentrate anymore in school like i used to. doing math makes me want to cry just because i cant see a way out. and im left with numbers and no solutinos and im going round and round and round and round like a celing fan except i cant watch myself because it never stops. maybe i should stop.
sorry. whatever i doesnt matter. ill probably never do it anyways. so it doesnt matter