I don't know..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ScarlettBlood, Nov 19, 2011.

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  1. ScarlettBlood

    ScarlettBlood Well-Known Member

    I haven't told anybody I've been feeling suicidal. Or that I've EVER felt suicidal. Only one or two max knows I've been self harming, the most recent being the night before last. I'm sorry for throwing my whole story on all of you guys, but I gotta come out completely to someone. It really started when I was 7. My mom cheated on my dad, and I went with him to stay the night at my grandmother's. I had to endure my parents yelling and screaming at each other, my mom getting violent and throwing stuff at my dad, then my dad grabbing her by the throat. I have terrible memories of it still, it scared me that my father would do something like that. So, my mother was hard on me, because I lived with my father. So she tells me that she gave up on me, when I told her "It's okay mama! You can go! ^^" When I had a friend over. It.. really doesn't make sense to me. My mom has called me "F***ing worthless as sh** quite a few times, over small things, and tries to make my life miserable because she's "Jealous", or so my dad says. She got drunk two weeks ago, and killed what was left of my self esteem, by saying basically that I wasn't good enough for my own family. Either way, I went back to self harming with anything I could get my hands on. My mom was worse and worse on me, and I finally got this laptop from my grandmother. I started searching up different ways to commit suicide, and I was actually going to carry it out about a week or two ago.. I had a suicide note saved on my computer and everything. The thing that stopped me was this forum. I checked it out, so here I am. I've only told the story about my mother to one person, and it got around, and people were saying I had no right to be depressed or anything. I sound REAL pathetic right now, don't I?
  2. Mogwai02

    Mogwai02 Active Member

    you're not pathetic, scarlettblood. please just think about what's going to make you hang on just a bit longer. set a date for your suicide weeks or months from now and see where you're emotionally/mentally at when that date arrives. this actually really helped me. i'm just existing right now but that's better than feeling like i want to end it.
  3. tx915

    tx915 Active Member

    You're not pathetic sounding. It can be rough being in that violent environment. I think that your feelings about this are totally valid. Noone deserves to be put down like that.
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