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i don't know

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Lana, Nov 23, 2011.

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  1. Lana

    Lana Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure how long i've been sitting here for, but i just had thoughts run through my head and i'm not sure if they are actual memories or not...from these thoughts, it was dry humping, but i think it happened alot, like, we made a game of it. i don't know if i should ask him about this or not. it happened a lot time ago, but i started having dreams when i was 14/15 that were disturbing. they stoped for a while, but started up again last year...this is the third time these thoughts have been this intense in 1 year. i think more happened...i just want these dreams and thoughts to stop, regardless if it happened or not. i think if i asked him, he would tell me the truth, but i know he was abused. i don't know if asking him will bring up stuff for him...i don't know what to do.
  2. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    ((hugs)) Lana :( Sounds really scary and confusing... I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse. These issues can be so painful, and many people experience the same questions you are asking yourself. Before you decide weather or not to confront him, I strongly recommend reading "The Courage to Heal":
    There is also a companion workbook:
    And if you have a therapist, or are open to therapy, it might be a good time to start working with a professional about your questions and your feelings on this and how to move forward. Confrontation can be a very good thing when you're ready for it, and it certainly helps when you feel that the one you will be confronting will be honest with you. But if you aren't ready, any answer can leave you in more pain and wishing you hadn't opened that "can of worms". If money is a concern, it may be worth looking into free or sliding scale counceling services that are available in some areas. If you can't find anything by Googling it, look for women's shelters in the area and give them a call, they can often point you in the right direction, and some of them even offer counceling services themselves (this is how I met my amazing therapist about 17 years ago, and I still see her once a week).

    No matter what you do, please consider me a friend and feel free to PM me anytime. I'm not on all day, so if I don't immediately respond, it's because I haven't gotten your message. I promise to respond as soon as I do!

    Hang in there, Sweetie. You're going to get through this! Sending love and hugs... :console:
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 23, 2011
  3. Lana

    Lana Well-Known Member

    Thanks, hun. I am sorry it happened to you. I'll find that book. I am seeing a counsellor in a week and I'll tell her about last night. Just kind of freaked me out, I wasn't expecting it. I feel kind of relieved, I don't know if that's normal. Like I have always thought something might have happened, but I wasn't 100% sure. Now things make more sense. It actually would explain a lot. I don't know if it would make sense, but it's like that part of myself that was keping it a secret is relieved. I had a dream about the young me telling the present me that something did happened and that was last summer. I'm more certain the events happened, I'm just not 100% sure who. All day it's been going through my head and I've been trying to distract myself. I just want to know the truth.
    Thanks for being here and sorry if I don't make sense. I feel scrambled
  4. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    You DO make sense, Lana! For me, the memories were always there and relatively clear (although I didn't realize it was "sexual abuse", or anything unusual at all, until I was a teenager). But many, many survivors share your experience. I'm so glad you'll be seeing a councellor to help you through the process, and I think you'll find that the book is an invaluable resource. It's sort of "the bible" for survivors actively working on these issues, and it does recognize and guide those who don't have actual memories but believe that something happened. Sending friendship and hugs! :hugtackles:
  5. Lana

    Lana Well-Known Member

    i'm not ready for this. the stupid thoughts won't stop and i'm having a hard time concentrating on school. it doesn't help that some of my school essays are on sexual assault...i'm not ready to deal with it. how do i make the thoughts stop?

    i had a first meeting with my counsellor today and we're meeting again next week. i haven't told her anything yet...i just feel so confused and lost and so stressed about school. i don't think i'm going to apply to that program next year, take a year off. then i feel like a failure
  6. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    ((Lana)) What you're feeling is completely normal. I think it's sort of your brain's way of saying, "OK... time to start processing through some of this!". This may seem to contradict my previous statement, but if you have a choice, I would avoid making sexual assault/abuse the subject of school papers. Save that for sessions with your councellor, private journaling, venting in SF or to other supportive friends/family (once you're ready for that). Once you start actually working on these feelings, you will find ways to keep it (relatively) separate from your school life. But the key is, you have to exercise those other outlets (especially with your councellor). You are in control of this process. Once you "take the reins" and decide how to direct this part of your life (how much to share, who to share it with, when to share it, how to ask for help when it gets scary, etc.), you will start to see what I mean.

    Of course, there are times when those feelings hit will hit you at school and at other inopportune moments. A councellor can help you find strategies to cope with those moments. But the longer you work on it, the more control you will have. If you haven't already, get that book ("The Courage to Heal") or check it out at the library if you can't afford to buy your own copy. You'll find that the authors are so much more eloquent than I am.

    Obviously, I am not the picture of mental health. But I can honestly say, my history as a sexual abuse/assault survivor is not the driving force behind my depression. It's taken a long time, but I am very much in control of that part of my healing process, and you will be too.

    Hang in there, Sweetie, keep your head up and remember you have a friend in me! Sending hugs and healing energy... :console:
  7. Lana

    Lana Well-Known Member

    Thank you Zasu. I've been trying to avoid the topics when I can, but I'm taking a violence against women course. I never thought that course would affect me this much. I'm not taking the second part anymore. I am going to bring this up with my counsellor next week.
    Thanks again
  8. ItsOkayEllijah

    ItsOkayEllijah Well-Known Member

    I hope all ends well for you.
  9. Lana

    Lana Well-Known Member

    Thank you

    I talked to a counsellor a few days ago and I brought up wanting to talk to my relative about the dreams and thoughts. She suggested writing it down in a letter, then maybe giving it to him. Just as a way for him to know it's on my mind and if he wants to talk about it over Christmas break or when I go back home in April. I don't want to ruin Christmas or cause him to remember his abuse....but afterwards, I don't know if I want to know. It just all seems so messed up and fake when I think about it now. At first I was angry and just wanted to know the truth so the thoughts would stop. Now I'm kinda afraid to know the answer. I don't know if I will ask him now, or at least wait. Because what do I do if it is true? I'm close to him....
  10. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    I'm so glad you're working with a councellor, Lana. That letter can be a very helpful tool but only when you are ready. It sounds like you're not quite there, and that's OK. This is a process that you absolutely cannot rush. You owe it to yourself, not him, to take your time and be ready before every step you take. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to have such a close and valued relationship to your (possible) abuser. If this IS true, and he can set aside his own shame and fear and show you that he is genuinely sorry and wants to do what is necessary to help you heal, I think it is possible to maintain your relationship. For now, just be proud of yourself for the hard work you are doing and for the strong woman you are. Sending hugs and friendship...T :console:
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