I don't know.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by aao, Sep 29, 2012.

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  1. aao

    aao Well-Known Member

    I feel like I'm dying. I don't even know how to express everything I'm feeling. I guess I'm really depressed. Very, very depressed. I'm unemployed. I feel like a complete and utter failure and like the stupidest, shittiest person on earth. I fucking hate myself. I'm all alone. I'm in love and the person doesn't give a shit about me. My OCD is horrible and doesn't leave alone ever. I no longer know who or what I am. I'm always confused. I feel so filled with hatred and anger. I struggle with anxiety all the fucking time. Sometimes I feel like I can't even breathe. I fucking hate myself. I just want to fucking kill myself. I feel at the end of my rope. EVERYTHING seems so fucking dark and menacing and pointless and sad and grey and fruitless. I'm sorry to post all of this, but I have absolutely NO ONE to talk to and NO ONE who gives a shit about me.

    If you reply PLEASE, PLEASE be nice. PLEASE.

  2. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    Ah? Do you think you can possibly tell us about your gender and your age? I have no idea whether you are a teenager or if you are over fifty.
  3. aao

    aao Well-Known Member

    I'm a dude in his twenties.
  4. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    I think that this place is here to give people a place to say such things, to talk about their feelings with other people who feel the same, or similarly. At least I hope it is. No-one can know EXACTLY how you feel but there will be some who know at least some of it. So please, talk.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, of course I will be nice :) I ask, are you on any medication for your anxiety or ocd? I was really struggling extremely bad with anxiety recently and I explained this to my psychiatrist and he increased my anxiety meds and I do feel better, do reach out for help, it is out there! :)
  6. aao

    aao Well-Known Member

    No, I'm not on any medication. I was for like 2 years but I quit taking them like 4 years ago. They never helped and only made me feel worse.
  7. aao

    aao Well-Known Member

    This is such a fucking joke. I don't know why the fuck did I post this fucking shit. I'd be so much fucking better off dead. If I had any fucking balls and character I would've slit my fucking throat long, long ago. I guess it's kinda funny.
  8. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    Do you think that maybe you posted it because you want someone to understand how you feel? Perhaps tell you that it's ok to feel that way? Perhaps if you tell us more, someone can. Please, talk to us.
  9. aao

    aao Well-Known Member

    I don't understand what else do you want me to say. All my life is an enormous pile of shit. I want it to fucking end. I don't have anything.
  10. aao

    aao Well-Known Member

    ok whatever. guess i dont deserve replies. thanks for nothing.
  11. Finance

    Finance Well-Known Member

    We're here. What's going on your life?
  12. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, there are limitations as to when I can be online (especially if I don't want anyone to know what I'm doing).

    It would be helpful if you could be more specific. I don't know anything about you. What exactly is wrong with your life? What would you like to have (since you say that you don't have anything)? Is there anything that could make your life more bearable? Is it that the situation that you're in is beyond terrible or is it something else? If you talk about it, maybe we can understand why you feel that way. Does that make sense?
  13. aao

    aao Well-Known Member

    I already talked about all that in my first post.
  14. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    In your first post you mention that you're unemployed, in love with someone that doesn't care about you and that you have OCD and depression.

    To take them in order. Unemployment is, unfortunately, rather common. There are courses and other things, maybe an apprenticeship that you could try in order to make yourself more marketable but, given the way of the world, there are fewer jobs than people. It's not YOUR shortcoming anymore than it is for most of those that aren't employed.

    It's hard to have feelings for someone that either doesn't know you exist or, worse, actively hates you, but there's very little you can do except give it time. You cannot change how someone feels about you. Allow yourself to grieve for the relationship you would like to have with them. It may not feel like it but, in time, it will hurt less. Time is the only thing that will help with that.

    Both OCD and depression might be made more manageable by talking to a doctor. Are you under treatment for them?

    Does any of that make sense? I hope it helps and I apologise if it seems harsh or cold.
  15. aao

    aao Well-Known Member

    Yeah, what you say makes sense. You weren't harsh nor cold. Thanks.

    No, I'm not in treatment for anything. I was for like 2 years a few years ago, but I quit because it didn't work and only made things worse.

    About that person, I don't know, it's difficult for me. We are, or were, I don't even know anymore, supposed to be friends. And, I'm in love with this person and they just don't seem to give a shit about me. I'm always there for them through thick and thin, but I don't know, maybe they just can't handle being my friend or something. It's been more than a week since I last heard from them and I worry and feel like shit because I never know if I won't hear from them again. It's awful. I don't know. It's like they refuse to talk to me. They never show they care about me. I pour my stupid fucking heart out and they couldn't care less. I just don't know what to think. I guess they just don't want to hear from me at all anymore. IT FUCKING HURTS. I fucking hate myself.

    My hands are fucking raw and bleeding because of the fucking OCD. And it fucking hurts. Yesterday was hell. I was feeling so fucking miserable and sad I almost couldn't breathe. Right now I have a lot of anxiety and I don't know how to deal. And I miss that person. I'M IN HELL. Fuck. I just want to fucking die.
  16. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    As I understand it, there are a variety of treatments for various disorders. Perhaps you could go back to your doctor and get him to try something else? With time, perserverance and a lot of luck, you may find something that helps.

    Are they not speaking to you or are other things getting in the way, perhaps? And if they're not talking to you, did they give a reason? Has this happened before? Do they know how you feel about them? Sometimes that can make things awkward.

    Have you put anything on your hands to help them heal? Are you feeling any better?
  17. aao

    aao Well-Known Member

    Yeah, they do know how I feel about them. In fact, they contacted me again today. The thing is, they've been seeing a person lately. And today, they oh so fucking casually mention that things are getting more and more serious each day, and that this person really, really wants to get serious. Like, WHY THE FUCK SAY THAT TO ME?!?!?! Especially right now. They know perfectly the way I feel about them and they know about all my problems and shit, and still, they tell me this shit. I just can't believe it. I don't understand why be so cruel. With everything else that's happening with me right now and shit... The nerve of some people... I fucking hate people.

    My hands are feeling slightly better today. I put some moisturizing lotion for extra-dry skin.

    I'm just not feeling alright at all. My family is pressuring me to find a job. I feel terrified. I feel like shit. And on top of everything, my back's been aching for like a week and it isn't getting any better. I'm sorry.
  18. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    I wonder if, perhaps, she's thinking along the lines of - "this is something that's important to me, I tell all the important things to my best friends, you're my best friend, therefore I tell you all about this new guy in my life." In which case it might not be meant unkindly, simply that she's thinking of you as a friend and ignoring how you feel about her (which some people do with something they're uncomfortable with).

    I'm glad your hands are doing better.

    Job hunting can be scary. Do you have an idea of what kind of job you could do? On the plus side, job hunting will keep you busy so you have less time to think about what else is going on. Any idea what's wrong with your back?
  19. aao

    aao Well-Known Member

    Not a "she", but a "he". And I don't think he sees me as his best friend. Whatever. But, yeah, I thought that maybe the reason he told me about that is exactly the same reason you thought of, but still, it hurts.

    That's the problem, I don't want to work. I know perfectly well I HAVE AND NEED TO, don't get me wrong, but I just don't want to. And, yes, I'm ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED at the prospect of looking for a job. I just can't see how can I do anything. I just want to kill myself. I have no drive and no will. And, also, I have NO IDEA of what I would want to do. I have no skills, no abilities, no nothing. I'm fucked.
  20. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    I can understand that. Would you rather he didn't talk to you about his relationships? Have you told him this? The thing with that is that those things tend to be so important to people that if you can't talk to someone about that aspect of your life, you end up not being able to talk about ANYTHING. Are you prepared to endure the pain just to remain in contact with him? It might be the only way. On the other hand, all the while you ARE in contact with him, you're unlikely to move on emotionally. Since it seems unlikely that he's going to return your affections (although not impossible) might it not be better all round if you remove yourself from him life. Give yourself a chance to grieve his loss and move on (as best you can).

    Very few people WANT to work. It's work after all, not play. But it's necessary for life. Society expects you to work if you want to be given the means to buy the things you need. It might be easier if you sit down and take a cold look at the things you're interested in (if anything) and the things you've shown an aptitude for. If nothing else, I suspect you'd be able to put things on shelves so shop work is always a possibility. It may not pay much but it can give you something to do and enough money to pay for the necessities of life (at least in theory anyway). What do you think?
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