I don't like how I am feeling!!!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Stranger1, Aug 2, 2008.

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  1. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I don't know what my problem is. I am sitting here all alone.My sister is out of town and my daughter and grandaughter just left to go spend the night at there cousins house. I am actually feeling scared. Nothing has happened to cause this feeling. My head is spinning, I can feel the blood rushing thru my body, I am afraid to go to bed because of the dreams. Especially one that I have every now and then. That one scares the shit out of me I come clean out of bed and on to my feet.
    I am 51 years old and shouldn't have these kind of thoughts. And I shouldn't be afraid of any thing. I relate to everyones posts about wanting to end it. I useually keep control over my suicidal thoughts or they will overcome me. Right now I am wanting to cut to let the fear out. I don't like this.Well I am going to go to bed and see what happens. I will be lucky if I make it for an hour.The fear has my mind racing like a train.Why is this happening???
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni

    What are you scared of? Being by yourself? Being left alone with your thoughts?


    I am here if you need to talk, can't sleep. PM me anytime Stranger.
  3. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    Hi Stranger1. In my opinion this sounds like agitated depression. Beginning April '07 or so after many years of functioning with dysphoria I began slipping back into severe periodic depressions but for the first time with a particularly nasty addition; agitation. This agitation made a panic attack feel like tranquil meditation.

    I am still struggling with this whole new level of torture. It started with the usual feelings of despair and low mood but my mind started racing with thoughts of horrible impending dangers- far worse than my usual intrusive morbid thoughts from my OCD. I am still going through bouts (corresponding with my frequent depressions) of agitation and anxiety so bad all I can do is lay down, close my eyes and fidget my legs. I absolutely cannot remain still and keeping my eyes closed is the only way to shorten it's duration.

    Increasing my valium when I feel a bout coming on has helped me tremendously. Experimenting with antidepressant dosages/additions only aggravated my agitation.

    I hope this helps. We are all individuals so I really hope this is your first and last experience with this miserable experience.
  4. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Stranger :hug: I am sorry to hear you are feeling bad.
    Maybe you could try distracting yourself with reading, or writing or soemthing?
    :hug: am here if you need to talk
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi stranger, how are you feeling today?
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello everyone and thank you for responding. I am still wound up, I have no clue to what triggered these feelings. It just came on quick and caught me off guard. I usually keep these thoughts under control. I guess part of the problem is I am walking on eggshells with my daughter. She is already talking about going back to pennsylvania. If that happens I don't know what I will do.I have been behaving myself as far as totaly commiting. I have come close a few times here lately.I don't think my meds are helping anymore. I see my doctor tomorrow.I think I was so shook up last night because it was so quiet here. I am use to having someone around, even if we don't talk I at least know they are here. Thank you again for the support!!!
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    :) sorry it was so quiet here. in ireland it is a long weekend and i was away on a photo course. it was good. the instructor said my photos were great, but he'd like to see what i could do if i was 100% committed to a project, rather than jumping from subject to subject and abandoning when it got hard. he said to live and work through the depression that a long term commitment would naturally bring, and i would be rewarded with really great work on the other side. i said that it sounded like good advice for life in general, not just photography!
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I went to that website you mailed to me on photography. It showed me that I don't know anything about it. Looks pretty technical. My mind won't focus on one thing I think it is the meds. I see him tomorrow and I am going to try to get him to change my meds. I am a avad reader and haven't been able to concentrate on a book for quite a while. When I talk on the forum I have to keep going back to the thread and reread it several times so I can give proper support and suggestions.
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