I don't like living

[anonymouser]

Hello,

A couple of years now I've been thinking about suicide but recently it's starting to become more frequent but it's not serious yet, it's not that I'm suffering and I can't cope, it's just that I don't like living. I feel as if I'm at the bottom of a mountain that I have to climb, but I already know that on the top of the mountain there's nothing for me, probably more mountains.

As I said, I'm not in pain at all, in fact I think most people would consider my life as good. All my life people have always told me I have a big future ahead of me, that I'm so smart, so lucky, I'm 24 and I have a promising career ahead of me, I have someone who loves me deeply, but somehow I don't look forward to that brilliant future.

You see, my problem is that I don't like (most, like the big majority of) people, therefore I don't have any friends, at least not close ones, I've always had a girlfriend since I was 16, my first serious girlfriend was with me for 7 years but eventually things grew apart and I got tired of the relatioship, since then it has been the same with all the others, it just happens faster now, so everlasting love and a family are not something I hope to find in the future.

As for my career, I've noticed most people are not happy with their jobs, I know I'm not, and the more I look, the more disappointed I become, it seems there's always something people have to complain about, I've been working to move to the US, but because of my nationality it has become really hard for me, not sure if after I finally get it, I will feel better on that aspect of my life.

I don't have any religious beliefs nor I'm scared of the afterlife.

So, the only thing that keeps me going is my mom, she is my heroin and I don't want to cause her any pain, I actually would like to give her everything, I don't want her to work never again but it has become really hard for me to go on feeling this way.

So I would like to talk to someone without scaring them, I would like to know if these thoughts are normal?, what can I do to keep pushing myself?, how to cope with this feeling of not belonging and the lack of hope for my future?.

Thank you very much for reading this, have a nice day.

 

[Isabel]

Welcome to SF,

I hope the forum will help as a place to share what you are going through and for support. Depression is not just about suicide ideation but very much so about loosing our capacity in appreciating life in general, work, meaningful relationships, work, pleasurable activities etc. So maybe in addition of posting here, which I hope you will keep doing, it might be a good idea to see a therapist. again, welcome

 

[Speedy]

Welcome, anonymouser. You have a nice day too.

 

[Joshua2803]

Hi Anonymouser,

I really hurt for you, no body should have to live with feelings of despair. Here is some information that might help you.and also this article

 

[TWF]

I've felt and still feel the same way. Depression is making you feel this way. You have to look at what's causing your depression and take steps to remove that cause.

 

[In a Lonely Place]

I've pretty much felt that way all my life,I care about others but I generally don't find many people that I like. Most people are selfish,materialistic and back stabbers in my experience so I prefer to keep myself to myself,self preservation.My only regret as I approach forty is that I'm still here,gutless I guess. I haven't helped you much but your not alone,take care

 

[anonymouser]

Thank you for your support and comprehension, I think I haven't looked at it this way, I was more thinking that I just grew tired of things and lost interest about the future.

 

[mrgoat]

Hello,

A couple of years now I've been thinking about suicide but recently it's starting to become more frequent but it's not serious yet, it's not that I'm suffering and I can't cope, it's just that I don't like living. I feel as if I'm at the bottom of a mountain that I have to climb, but I already know that on the top of the mountain there's nothing for me, probably more mountains.

As I said, I'm not in pain at all, in fact I think most people would consider my life as good. All my life people have always told me I have a big future ahead of me, that I'm so smart, so lucky, I'm 24 and I have a promising career ahead of me, I have someone who loves me deeply, but somehow I don't look forward to that brilliant future.

You see, my problem is that I don't like (most, like the big majority of) people, therefore I don't have any friends, at least not close ones, I've always had a girlfriend since I was 16, my first serious girlfriend was with me for 7 years but eventually things grew apart and I got tired of the relatioship, since then it has been the same with all the others, it just happens faster now, so everlasting love and a family are not something I hope to find in the future.

As for my career, I've noticed most people are not happy with their jobs, I know I'm not, and the more I look, the more disappointed I become, it seems there's always something people have to complain about, I've been working to move to the US, but because of my nationality it has become really hard for me, not sure if after I finally get it, I will feel better on that aspect of my life.

I don't have any religious beliefs nor I'm scared of the afterlife.

So, the only thing that keeps me going is my mom, she is my heroin and I don't want to cause her any pain, I actually would like to give her everything, I don't want her to work never again but it has become really hard for me to go on feeling this way.

So I would like to talk to someone without scaring them, I would like to know if these thoughts are normal?, what can I do to keep pushing myself?, how to cope with this feeling of not belonging and the lack of hope for my future?.

Thank you very much for reading this, have a nice day.

Hi anonymouser,

I often feel the same way too ! Currently a senior in a college, I dislike my work and find other people boring/annoying. Personally I find life pointless and absurd and find it astonishing that other people are so optimistic about life and dont see the meaninglessness of it. Would be interested to chat with you sometime !

Victor

 

[Reed]

Thank you for your post. I can see a lot of myself reflected in your words anonymouser. I relate to your feelings about friends, relationships and work. I get really worn out by the ebb and flow of living. My Mom is my lifeline too; she's always there to pick up the phone. I'm 27 but have been living with similar feelings for as long as I can remember.

Lately I've been circling suicide and decided to sit down and work out my thoughts on paper (you know, pros and cons, etc...). I began thinking about that old cliché 'live every day like it's your last' and it lead me to realize that since I felt I had nothing to lose I should use these feelings to my advantage. For me this means really jumping out and pushing myself to do what I want too even if it's not the norm.

We're told that there's one way to conduct our lives, but that's simply not true. The whole high school, college, career, marriage thing doesn't fit everyone and certainly doesn't equal a happy life.

I can only suggest finding the desires you keep buried inside and examining them. Maybe you'll find that you'd rather be living differently.

I wish you well and I hope this helped. If not I'm sorry to have wasted your time. If you need someone to chat with feel free to hit me up.