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I Dont Love Her...

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I dont love my own mother. My mother had be at the age of 16 and as you can imagine she wasnt the best mother, and as she told me the other day she felt that she had to prove that she was a 'good' mother. Well i was a rebellious child, mainly at school, i hated (and still do) authority, and i refused to recognise anyones. As you can imagine that didnt go down to well, how did mother solve the problem? My beating me, which fair enough, a smack here and there, can be good for child. But the bigger i got, the harder she'd hit me, until, and these are her own words 'your too big for me to be hitting you with my hand' so she'd pick up the closest thing to her, eventually i felt nothing more than her punch bag. I embarassed her by getting into trouble, made her feel like a bad parent, so she'd hit me to make herself feel better. Or atleast so i believed, and believe.

So now im we're at the stage, where i avoid talking to her, being in the same room as her, whenever she talks to me, i see it as a personal attack on me, even if she was asking me how was my day, i would see it as a malicious question. I dont love her, and my mind has made her out to be evil.

Now one would assume thats why im writing this, but its not, im writing this because i hate myself for not loving her. Every child should love their mother, I feel like by not loving her, im a defect, a malfunctioned human. Eternally jealous of all those that are loved and more importantly those that love thier mothers.

I confronted her about this, well to a lesser extent, and you know what she said, "i was young you were my first child, and it was just unfortunate that it was you i made my mistakes on."

It was just unfortunate...
Hey there,
I had similiar circumstances with my Mom when I was growing up, only when I got bigger, I fought back, and we had some brawls. I left home by the age of 18, but first left at 16, and went back a few times before it was over.
I just wanted you to know that what you feel is normal for your circumstances.
I hated my Mom for several years after I left home, and I was always hoping for an apology or some expression of regret, but I never got it. Even when I apologized for not being the "best" child I could have been, or for the trouble I caused, she still said nothing. I spent most of the years in my twenties either hating her or ignoring her, then I had a revelation: I am an adult now, in charge of my own life, and the only way for me to move forward was to forgive her for everything despite the fact that she wouldn't admit her mistakes. I did just that. I did it for me, to relieve that burden for myself and my life.
We have a speaking relationship now, but there is a certain distance, not because of the past, just because our personalities are different. I do what I can for her, and she does the same for me. ( By the way, I am an only child).
I wanted to try to help you if I am able, to let go of the past and her mistakes, and do it for you before you waste any more time out of your life.
I hope this helps you to not feel alone, and that I am here if you need me, as are many others.
Best of luck!
Peace, Love, and Prayers,
I confronted her about it again today, in a very extreme manner, i didnt hold back. I dont remember much of the discussion because i zone out when she talks to me, but the jist of it was that her perception of what happened when i was young wasnt really that bad and even tho she's sorry she doesnt feel guilty. I dont feel any different, if anything i feel guilty for breaking her heart.

I dont understand how i feel about anything anymore...
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