I don't make any sense

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Cicada 3301, Jan 6, 2016.

  1. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I shouldn't... but I need to. I'm going crazy on my own. I don't know what to do, I don't know what I'm doing. I need help, but I won't get it. I'll tell them what's wrong and they'll give me this and that. They'll suggest treatment and therapy, but they're asking the wrong questions. I can't blame them though, I'm not giving them the right answers. How can I anyway? I don't know what to say. I never have.

    It's hard for me to express myself. My mind doesn't flow like I want it to. It jumbles everything up into confusion. How can anyone understand me if I don't know how to explain it? I'm not making sense even though I try really hard. So what can I do? Shut myself off like I always do. It's easier, less confusion, less tasking for me to explain everything to the world like I'm five years old. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what's the fucking point fuck off!!!!!!!

    I want to die now. By now I mean soon. This is a decision I have had years to think about. There will be pain for some, happiness for others. What I can guarantee though is nothingness for me, non-existence. Something I have been looking forward to for a long time. I can't stand it anymore. I give up. I'm not the first and I won't be the last. I won't fight it any longer. I'm too tired and it's become a boring and repetitive fight. I lose, you win. Congratulations. Game over. Go fuck yourself. Bye.
     
  2. Jagroen

    Jagroen Well-Known Member

    I can relate to not being able to express what you meant to say in the first place.
    I know that you have helped others in the past, So at least what you meant to say will let people know that at least you care for them right?

    I do hope you feel better, it is sad to see somebody hurt just because they weren't able to express themselves properly and the person listening doesn't understand.
     
  3. shania

    shania Well-Known Member

    Cicada - When I read your posts I very often think how *good* you express yourself and how helpful and well-written your responses are. You give excellent, thoughtful advice.

    I don't know if you posted this because of something specific that happened, but try not to be so hard on yourself. It might feel to you that you're not able to express yourself well, but in fact you tend to make perfect sense from what I've seen :)
     
  4. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Thank you for replying... It's hard isn't it? When the words you want to say aren't there and you're left with poor substitutes. I know that what you are saying is right, but sometimes, I just don't know what to say at all. My brain completely shuts off and instead of being caring/supportive, I'm cold and distant.

    Thank you. It hurts real bad and when people don't understand or mistake my poor expressions as insults, ignorance or anything else, it really brings me down.
     
  5. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Thank you shania... Most of the time when I read somebody else's post I can gather my thoughts towards it and say something constructive. But when it's my thread, my turn to write, I have a blank space will quickly gets filled with nonsense. I don't know where to start or what to say. I was feeling really down yesterday and my head was full of crap and I didn't know what to think. After writing this thread, even how jumbled and rubbish it is it helped me clear my head and I felt "free". I guess sometimes I just get overwhelmed. I appreciate you saying that.. inside I feel different, like sometimes I'm two people and what I say makes sense sometimes really clearly and other times it's confusing. Thank you for replying.
     
    2 people like this.
  6. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Let's just be clear - there will be no happiness from anyone about your death!

    You have mentioned before about thoughts getting jumbled up and something about sometimes when you read the words getting jumbled up - I wonder if you maybe have some sort of ADD thing and your brain struggles to focus? Just something to maybe consider discussing with the doctor?

    We love you Bob!
     
  7. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Haha okay sorry. I wrote that as a diary entry initially and then copied it to here to get some help. I was just angry. I don't understand what it is. Maybe I am just stupid. I haven't matured much since I was 15 because I've been depressed since then and I stopped learning and talking to people. Maybe I am just struggling because I am behind, mentally? But today, I can write this reply and it is easy. Yesterday it would have been hard. It is 50/50. Some days it is easy, other days I am a different person.

    I have always had trouble with reading. I have read at a high level since I was in primary school (my teachers moved me on to the highest levels very early). I understand the words and the grammar and spelling and blah blah. I just sometimes see paragraphs as a blur. It hurts my eyes and it's like I see patterns/gaps in the writing. Some words lose meaning to me, simple words. Sometimes when I read posts here I will read a line many times over because I am having trouble following it despite knowing what it means (if you know what I mean). Also, I can read something whole way through, understand everything and then realise I don't know what I've just read? I once read over 90 pages of a stieg larsson novel in a day, only to realise I could not remember anything I read. I think the issue is separate. I can manage this one. It's annoying as hell, but I'm okay with it.

    I want to tell the doctor but I don't know what to say? :( I should say "I don't know what to say sometimes", "I don't know how to express myself". Isn't that just my own fault though?
     
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I was 15 when I stopped leaving the house and I feel I have not matured as much as I should have because of it, I'm socially awkward and usually don't know the right things to say or not to say, maybe it's something you can bring up with the doctor? Obviously there's no medication that can cure that but maybe therapy could help you with maturing. I hope it helps me too. I think you are an amazing person, you don't deserve to feel this way! Big hugs to you, you're awesome :)
     
  9. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    @Lynn Thanks. That's exactly how I feel. I wish there was a medication that would help with it :p I would be popping those like candy. You are having therapy for it, or you are telling your doctor about it? Whichever, I hope it helps you too. I don't think you need to mature. You are smart, funny, sensitive, caring and polite (maybe too polite! just kidding of course ;) Thanks for making me feel awesome.
     
    2 people like this.
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Lol. You are funny bob. Even in home I say things that are out of line, talk about things in front of a child that she shouldn't hear (not on purpose), feel awkward and self conscious talking to my peers, feel like a sheep rather than a leader, just immature at times. I feel you, and thanks so much for the compliment, even if you were kidding haha ;)
     
  11. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am awkward at home sometimes too. I struggle with simple conversations SOMETIMES, but other times I'm really good at it. Have you been swearing in front of kids? :eek: I know what you mean... I am sheep too and even among my flock I'm the black sheep. The big bad wolves scare me and I feel like they looking down on me, laughing at me and constantly judging me.

    I'm not kidding! You are an amazing, wonderful person whose presence makes each day just that little bit easier for me. I told you one time that here in England we have a word to describe people like you. I'm not sure if you remember?
     
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Yes I do swear in front of kids, I shouldn't but sometimes I am just not thinking right but in saying that I do give out to my niece for swearing. I get a swear word back haha. Yeah, I feel like a sheep among wolves. I have always felt that way. Definitely not a leader type person, I am way too soft.
    What's that name ye call me rofl?
     
  13. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I have done it too. I don't do it anymore because I'm not around people who swear now. Before when I was at high school or uni I would and then I would have an oopsie :confused: How old is your niece now? 11? I'm not a leader either, forget that :)
    Oh, just, down here we call people like you "angels".
     
    2 people like this.
  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    My niece is 10 now, she will be 11 in May. She was coming around talking to me but she has so many bad memories she doesn't talk to me and it hurts, she's too young to understand so I can only hope she will come around when she hits her teen years which is very hard for me.
    I'd never be able to be a leader, too shy, too soft, too emotional. Kudos to you for talking about it! Well done :) as I know you find some things hard to talk about.
     
  15. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    She's still young. My sister is 11 now. She'll talk to you, how can she not? You'd be able to get most to open up. Might take some more time, but eventually she will. You'll be best buds :)
    I'm happy following others for now. One day, when everyone least expects it we are both gonna rise up and take over. :cool: That sound good? For now we'll keep it hush though.
     
    2 people like this.
  16. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    @Cicada 3301 I just read your post Bob. And I feel your pain. One of the first thoughts that came to my mind is that perhaps you can respond to other people's posts more easily then starting your own is because you care more about other people than you do yourself. That may make it easier for you to respond to their pain. And you do that VERY well.

    It can be incredibly difficult to communicate with others. In writing and aloud both. I am very poor at it. I attribute most of my problem with it to poor self esteem and all the hiding from the world that has led me to. I am parked on the couch, alone, in front of my TV right now. That is where I am most comfortable. Christmas was a chore because I had to see and talk to family. So don't feel you are alone in this. Perhaps a lot of practice is what we both need.
    Take care of yourself.
     
  17. Jagroen

    Jagroen Well-Known Member

    It's not our fault for not being able to express ourselves as intended.

    I was recently in the hospital cause of bad stomach pain, which my pain has been on and off for 2 years now but the Dr told me its just a stomach bug and go home.

    I know how it feels to be misinterpeted and it sucks.

    I have gotten in the habit of actually saying to people that I have a hard time expressing myself the way I want to so please be patient as I try and most of the time people are actually understanding.

    I do hope you feel better :)
     
    3 people like this.
  18. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I often feel the same Prash. I often find it hard to concentrate on reading things, as I read it but nothing ever sinks in. When I am like this I too often find it hard to express myself. I can't quite pick out the right words to say, or everything is jumbled in my head and I can't get pen to paper. My suggestion is that when you have an okay day or a good day, write down everything that happens on a bad day, save it then show it to your doctor. That way you can't be misinterpreted at appointments as it will be written down in black and white and written when you were able to express yourself better. I often feel like my body is present, but my mind is not. I'm not sure if that makes sense or not. I hope it does.
     
  19. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    @SillyOldBear You are right there. I don't care very much about myself and it's something I need to change because it means my confidence becomes really low when I have thoughts about myself and I become robotic almost, desensitised. Christmas I enjoyed because I woke up feeling "good", mind was clear and I was confident. New Years I was the complete opposite, I didnt want to see or talk to anyone, even family. Do you find anything that helps? Thank you for making me feel I'm not alone in this.
     
  20. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    @Jagroen I have got in the habit of it too when I know I'm not making much sense. It makes it a lot easier and people seem to understand a great deal and help out. I don't want to have to live with this, it does suck, but maybe I can work around it. I was having a very bad day yesterday but today I'm feeling much better thanks :)