I don't matter

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bobolink, Jun 18, 2010.

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  1. bobolink

    bobolink New Member

    I don't matter to anyone.

    I've spent my entire life working. I can remember lugging around buckets sloshing water against my stubby legs when I was four or possibly younger. The only value I had to my family was working. If I became ill, such as when I had an ear infection so bad that blood was coming out of my ears, my parents only grudgingly took me to the doctor. I'd vomit from the anxiety of being verbally attacked for requiring any sort of medical care.

    Even after putting so much effort into a failing farm, and being told that I should be trampled in the mud or that I was useless or that I was ugly, etc., they told me that I was on my own (financially, emotionally, etc.) when I left.

    Because of my upbringing, I have absolutely no confidence or self-esteem. I am sub-human. I don't matter, unless someone can find a way in which to use me.

    I went to college thinking that I would be able to distinguish myself. My IQ is in the 130s and I scored in the 99th percentile on pretty much every standardized test, but it's absolutely meaningless. I had no direction, and made the foolish mistake of getting married. I dropped out of school and had to work and work and work at whatever I could find because he wouldn't. This precariousness made it so that I couldn't even have children, and now that I'm 28, I doubt that I ever will. It has only recently struck me that most people already regard me as too old to even dream of having a family, having children.

    The marriage ended and I'm in another relationship. It is doubtful to get anywhere, but I can't move beyond it because he seems to be the nearest reality allows to a soulmate. But he doesn't have a job and doesn't seem particularly motivated to find one. I can't spend the rest of my life doing the work of two people, and further prolonging this reality in which I can't have any dreams because I'm scraping by just to maintain an existence that I don't even want.

    A recent cancer scare makes me want to grasp at the beauty of being alive. However, it has also made me realise how adrift I would be if I really needed assistance or long-term care -- no-one cares enough about me to provide financial assistance. And it also makes me wish that I could have cancer, and take it away from someone who actually matters. Why should they suffer and die - and their families/loved ones go through the anguish of loss - when here is a person (me) who is entirely expendable?

    I just want someone to take care of me, after I've spent a lifetime of being used. This doesn't seem like it will happen. There is something so fundamentally wrong about me that I should never have even been allowed to exist and I just want someone to help me put an end to this blunder. Please?
  2. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hi Bobolink, you are not too old to have children. I had my first child at thirty-two. I know many women who have babies well into their 40's.

    You sound as though you had lousy parents. You should not blame yourself because they were selfish and used you.

    You did not deserve that.

    Shows you are strong and a survivor to get to college and score so high in your tests.

    The worse is behind you. I am sure, now that you have grown, you will be able to now chose your life as you want it. You don't have to go through this anymore.

    Thank God, if you lay still enough you can hear the inner voice within you which is the true voice, that tells you that your parents are liars, and that you are a human being, precious and of infinite worth, and all other thoughts or words are lying.
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hi Bo....first of all you are not expendable....the world needs you....
    I just want someone to take care of me, after I've spent a lifetime of being used
    I feel exactly the same as you on this one but you can make it alone.....
    I feel the same about the long term care but try not to look that far ahead....take it one day at a time and think of ways to make life better for yourself..
    and you aren't too old for children...my daughter started at 32 by choice....these days you can have children till around 40...
    I'm sorry your parents were so hard on you....what you suffered was mental abuse...they are the ones with the problems and they sound really selfish...
    are you getting any professional help?
    some counceling for your self esteem would be helpful....
    take care...and we're here for you..
  4. monnie101

    monnie101 Member

    Your parents sound similar to mine. I too had to work carrying tools and handing shingles to my father. I had to find tools he asked for on his carpentry jobs too and boy was a crappy at that! He'd ask for a tool by yelling at me to go get it, and I'd nervously run as fast as I could, scanned all the tools with my eyes nervously fast as I could, I could hear him asking what was taking so long. I'd bring back the wrong tool or never be able to find it. I'd get a lot of grief for that. When I had to climb the ladder to hand him the shingles or tools while working the exterior of our house, I would shake nervoulsy! As a child the heights were terrifying! If I didn't move fast enough, I'd sure hear about it and how useless I was. I was told sometimes daily multiple times a day that I was useless, worthless, ugly, that my hair was bad, that my clothes were bad, that I was stupid, and so on. I'd also get beat up or smacked for talking while the news was on. That's pretty much how I learned to be a mute at home and school. I learned that since I could never say anything right that it was best to not say anything at all. But a few times I even got in trouble from teachers for that too! Soon I got used to feeling bad and if someone said something nice to me, boy I hated that! It felt so wrong and off. Didn't feel right at all! When I'd catch myself making mistakes when no one was around I used to hit myself in the face with a shoe or something to punish myself like my dad would have. Now that I'm older I'm a lot better but I can't get rid of the flashbacks and nightmares. Sometimes I'm up and well, then I'm back down again.

    Well, you probably do matter to someone at least a little bit. But even if you didn't or I didn't matter to anyone, you have to tell yourself, so what and F them. I lived through a childhood full of horrors, hey if I don't matter to anyone, maybe that's not so bad after all. Then people won't mind what I do as much, they won't be annoyed at us, maybe even leave us alone or at least issue us less pain.

    I'm 31 and have no kids. I always wanted to wait till I was married but that didn't happen. I get along well with kids but it's a crappy world anyways so it's prob better for me not to bring any kids into the world. I have a cute niece that I love and I'm her fav uncle and that's good enough for me. She's the only one that make me feel guilty if I died, she would be very sad.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 19, 2010
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    It sounds to me that you need to kick your husband to the curb and divorce his lazy -ss..That would cut your costs down extremely.. You won't have to feed him, and he won't be there to run your electric bill and water bill up..You sound very sweet and have been delt a s--t hand..Life can be better.. You can meet someone else who pulls there weight in a relationship..Maybe then you won't be so stressed and be able to have those kids you want..Take Care!!
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    You do matter bobolink, because you're a kind and caring human being. I'm sorry that your parents treated you like a workhorse on the farm. They should have treated you better. You're only 28 and you have many good years ahead of you. You still have time to have children if you want to. Don't give up hope. :hug:
  7. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    28 is not too old to start a family!
  8. Schannah

    Schannah Member

    28 is DEFINITELY not too old to start a family. I'm planning to wait until 30, if I decide to stay alive. I was going to aim for 26, because I was concerned about the issues of having children too late and exposing them to health risks, but then I read that conceiving between the ages of 30-34 is actually less dangerous in terms of your baby's health. Plus, you'll be further down your career path, and therefore a better provider.

    Sorry to get stuck on one topic!
  9. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    :laugh: 28 is not too old, you have plenty of time, in fact I consider 28 or 30 a good time to start. But with a negative attitude, I don't know if i makes sense to start a family. I suggest trying to find some support networks in your area, or do something fun when you are not working on a weekly basis.
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