I don't matter to anyone. I've spent my entire life working. I can remember lugging around buckets sloshing water against my stubby legs when I was four or possibly younger. The only value I had to my family was working. If I became ill, such as when I had an ear infection so bad that blood was coming out of my ears, my parents only grudgingly took me to the doctor. I'd vomit from the anxiety of being verbally attacked for requiring any sort of medical care. Even after putting so much effort into a failing farm, and being told that I should be trampled in the mud or that I was useless or that I was ugly, etc., they told me that I was on my own (financially, emotionally, etc.) when I left. Because of my upbringing, I have absolutely no confidence or self-esteem. I am sub-human. I don't matter, unless someone can find a way in which to use me. I went to college thinking that I would be able to distinguish myself. My IQ is in the 130s and I scored in the 99th percentile on pretty much every standardized test, but it's absolutely meaningless. I had no direction, and made the foolish mistake of getting married. I dropped out of school and had to work and work and work at whatever I could find because he wouldn't. This precariousness made it so that I couldn't even have children, and now that I'm 28, I doubt that I ever will. It has only recently struck me that most people already regard me as too old to even dream of having a family, having children. The marriage ended and I'm in another relationship. It is doubtful to get anywhere, but I can't move beyond it because he seems to be the nearest reality allows to a soulmate. But he doesn't have a job and doesn't seem particularly motivated to find one. I can't spend the rest of my life doing the work of two people, and further prolonging this reality in which I can't have any dreams because I'm scraping by just to maintain an existence that I don't even want. A recent cancer scare makes me want to grasp at the beauty of being alive. However, it has also made me realise how adrift I would be if I really needed assistance or long-term care -- no-one cares enough about me to provide financial assistance. And it also makes me wish that I could have cancer, and take it away from someone who actually matters. Why should they suffer and die - and their families/loved ones go through the anguish of loss - when here is a person (me) who is entirely expendable? I just want someone to take care of me, after I've spent a lifetime of being used. This doesn't seem like it will happen. There is something so fundamentally wrong about me that I should never have even been allowed to exist and I just want someone to help me put an end to this blunder. Please?