No, I don't. I don't need anyone. I'm strong enough to get on without people. They all screw me over in the end, anyway. I told myself I wouldn't drink... I gave in to the alcohol. I don't understand why I feel so depressed right now. I was okay. I thought I was. I was. I don't know what happened. I feel so alone. So hurt. Things aren't going badly, but I just feel so HURT. This stupidity. Tendency to complaint. Inappreciativeness. I fucking hate myself. Get out of my head, you. Out. Ruining me. Breaking me. And this isn't like me. I can usually handle things. I can usually ignore them. I've been doing it for years. My meds are fine. My life's no worse than it usually is... I don't know what's going on. It's me. It's all me. I sicken myself with my weakness!! I never wanted to be this fucking pathetic! I just want to go into a dark room and cause pain to myself until there's nothing left to cause pain to. I've got so much anger. I've got so much guilt. I can't handle anything, I feel so tired. I've fallen so far. I've lost so much of my character. I've got so little talent and I help society so little. I'm a hindrance. I'm not even just useless anymore, no. I'm an actual hindrance. Hurting everything. Making everything worse. I'm getting stressed out over tiny things and I typically have the "no worries" mentality. I don't like this. I'm usually depressed and empty, but it's never got such dangerous passion behind it. And it does today. And I don't want to tell anyone. I won't mention it to anyone. I don't want to worry anyone. They'll worry and I'll feel bad for making them worry because I cause enough trouble as it is, and they've problems of their own. And for God's sake, I don't even have the intellectual capacity to know when I should just stop bitching and off myself. I kind of want my dad. And I can't STAND my dad. He was and is a terrible father. But I want to crawl up in the lap of my father and whine about things and have him buy me something or take me somewhere and have a nice father-to-daughter talk with me and make it all better. I need daddy. Fuck. ...like I would know what needing a father feels like, because I don't even know what having a father feels like. But I want it. So stupid. I should appreciate the fact that I don't have to deal with him. But no. I'm just whining about the fact that he wasn't perfect or whatever... :dry: I feel so HELPLESS. And I hate feeling sorry for myself. I'm so confused. What IS this? It's not me at all. I hate me anyway. But now I hate me more. :cry: No one's even doing anything to hurt me at the moment. As a matter-of-fact, I've got a few people I know being very supportive and kind. People I love and care about. I just feel so... so... bad. I feel like crying or breaking something or breaking someone. I feel like climbing into a ditch and staying there. I feel like I should get rid of myself. I have a headache and it's never going to go away, with reason. I'm such a waste of air. Someone who can handle breathing that air without giving in like a tremendously weak piece of shit should have gotten it, as opposed to me. I haven't been okay for a long time... but now I can't even deal with the not-okay-ness. I'm feeling so SORRY for myself. I should just SHUT THE FUCK UP. I don't like not understanding things like this. I was dealing. What the fuck happened? And I just needed to let someone --or something-- know, because I'm selfish like that, I guess. I am so sorry for wasting your time. I really hope no one finds out who this is. I'm crying now. I'm sorry I fuck myself over and everyone else's time, too. I hope you didn't read this. Time is valuable when you're of value. I just needed to vent before I went fully insane. I don't like attention-whoring. I hate myself for doing it just now. Makes me such a hypocrite. Save me the pain of knowing that someone witnessed me in my self-pity and don't even respond. Sincere apologies.