I don't need anyone, do I?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Hindrance., Mar 8, 2007.

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  1. Hindrance.

    Hindrance. Guest

    No, I don't.

    I don't need anyone. I'm strong enough to get on without people. They all screw me over in the end, anyway.

    I told myself I wouldn't drink... I gave in to the alcohol. I don't understand why I feel so depressed right now. I was okay. I thought I was.

    I was. I don't know what happened. I feel so alone. So hurt.

    Things aren't going badly, but I just feel so HURT.

    This stupidity. Tendency to complaint. Inappreciativeness. I fucking hate myself. Get out of my head, you. Out. Ruining me. Breaking me.

    And this isn't like me. I can usually handle things. I can usually ignore them. I've been doing it for years. My meds are fine. My life's no worse than it usually is... I don't know what's going on. It's me. It's all me. I sicken myself with my weakness!! I never wanted to be this fucking pathetic! :mad: I just want to go into a dark room and cause pain to myself until there's nothing left to cause pain to. I've got so much anger. I've got so much guilt. I can't handle anything, I feel so tired. I've fallen so far. I've lost so much of my character. I've got so little talent and I help society so little. I'm a hindrance. I'm not even just useless anymore, no. I'm an actual hindrance. Hurting everything. Making everything worse. I'm getting stressed out over tiny things and I typically have the "no worries" mentality. I don't like this. I'm usually depressed and empty, but it's never got such dangerous passion behind it. And it does today. And I don't want to tell anyone. I won't mention it to anyone. I don't want to worry anyone. They'll worry and I'll feel bad for making them worry because I cause enough trouble as it is, and they've problems of their own. And for God's sake, I don't even have the intellectual capacity to know when I should just stop bitching and off myself.

    I kind of want my dad. And I can't STAND my dad. He was and is a terrible father. But I want to crawl up in the lap of my father and whine about things and have him buy me something or take me somewhere and have a nice father-to-daughter talk with me and make it all better. I need daddy. Fuck. ...like I would know what needing a father feels like, because I don't even know what having a father feels like. But I want it. So stupid. I should appreciate the fact that I don't have to deal with him. But no. I'm just whining about the fact that he wasn't perfect or whatever... :dry:

    I feel so HELPLESS. And I hate feeling sorry for myself. I'm so confused. What IS this? It's not me at all.

    I hate me anyway. But now I hate me more. :cry:

    No one's even doing anything to hurt me at the moment. As a matter-of-fact, I've got a few people I know being very supportive and kind. People I love and care about.

    I just feel so... so... bad.

    I feel like crying or breaking something or breaking someone.

    I feel like climbing into a ditch and staying there.

    I feel like I should get rid of myself.

    I have a headache and it's never going to go away, with reason.

    I'm such a waste of air. Someone who can handle breathing that air without giving in like a tremendously weak piece of shit should have gotten it, as opposed to me.

    I haven't been okay for a long time... but now I can't even deal with the not-okay-ness.

    I'm feeling so SORRY for myself. I should just SHUT THE FUCK UP. I don't like not understanding things like this. I was dealing. What the fuck happened?

    And I just needed to let someone --or something-- know, because I'm selfish like that, I guess. :(

    I am so sorry for wasting your time. I really hope no one finds out who this is. I'm crying now. I'm sorry I fuck myself over and everyone else's time, too. I hope you didn't read this. Time is valuable when you're of value. I just needed to vent before I went fully insane. :( I don't like attention-whoring. I hate myself for doing it just now. Makes me such a hypocrite.

    Save me the pain of knowing that someone witnessed me in my self-pity and don't even respond. :(

    Sincere apologies.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    What a quandry...you asked ppl to not respond and in usual circumstances I would honor that, but I must write to say you are valuable and worthy because of your sensitivity and understanding...I hope you find those traits within yourself as well...big hugs, Jackie
     
  3. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    Take care hun, you seem to be a lovely, sensitive person and dont let circumstances believe u are anything else. Just stay strong and i hope things will improve for you. Youre in my thoughts,
    :hug:
    Beret
     
  4. letdown

    letdown Guest

    I am not awake enough to reply to this in depth but I did want to say that there is so much you said here that speaks to me.

    Maybe blocking your very natural needs for comfort, for people, for your dad and by appearing like you're "strong" makes these feelings of hopelessness and self loathing all the more worse. Sometimes it's so much more frightening to look at your feelings and what your feel you want- it's really frightening. And you're not weak for feeling.

    Feeling is not a sign of any weakness.

    I think your post was important because it does show how deeply you do feel- and how you are addressing and voicing your feelings.

    I may be talking nothing here but I wanted to reply. I hear how much you're hurting and I've felt so similar so many times before. I understand how exposing writing something like this is and I think you're very brave in putting this out.

    :hug:
     
  5. Hindrance.

    Hindrance. Guest

    Thank You all. :hug:

    I'm feeling better today.
     
  6. Hindrance.

    Hindrance. Guest

    Or so I thought. Nighttime blues, I guess.
     
  7. Lost Disciple

    Lost Disciple Well-Known Member

    ..Nighttime's usually the worst.
     
  8. Hindrance.

    Hindrance. Guest

    No more taking up your time, after this-

    It takes a terrible person to be angry with people for their kindness.

    What am I even doing here? On this forum, in this room, in this city, on this planet. Geez. Where's God when you need him, eh?

    I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I really am trying. I simply can't live with myself. This person, or not even. This... damaged, selfish, bastardous, simple-minded, hypocritical, insensitive, useless, monstrous piece of trash. I'm disgusted.

    And I honestly don't think I'll be 'living with myself' much longer.




    ...Wow. I never thought I'd be saying that and meaning it so fervently.
     
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