i dont often do this ...

its rare for me to get into one of these crisis phase and actually be scared of myself , normally they fade away without long and dont increase ,

but not this time , ive attempted twice in the last 2 weeks , the thoughts are overwheleming me , forcing me to do things i dont normally do and act out in other ways , i just want things to be over , i want the pain to stop , i want to see the ones i love for the meantime we are apart cos of death and the only way for me to see them is to finish things here . i dont know what else to say ... i need help but urgh no one understands

 

Esther hun, I talk to you so often on chat, but I have no idea of your story or what has brought you here. I suppose I don't know because I have never asked. I don't know your diagnosis, what has happened to you, whether you are on meds, or whether you are having therapy, or whether you are struggling on your own.

Perhaps if you could fill me in on some parts, I can try and understand and support you through this.

You are such a lovely person hun, and it sucks that you are going through so much pain right now. I do wish I had a magic wand. If only I had that magic wand :hug:

 

im on meds , a cocktail of them , i get thearpy twice a week but i dont make it to those appointments often as it drags up to much for me to deal with , i came to the forum when i lost my boy and my nana , i was searching for methods , then i kinda stuck around for a while , its been years now of constant hell , there have been happy stuff happen but not enough to outweight the bad i cant remeber what else u asked but yeah , thats about me

 

You need to speak to someone soon. Whether that be your Psych or Crisis team, or taking a trip to the Emergency Dept. You really are in a crisis situation and the sooner you can speak to someone, the better. I too have been struggling recently and I went to the ED yesterday and have some sort of plan. I have just been reading some of your past threads, you have achieved and overcome so much. With the right help you can overcome this.

I know it seems like it will be pointless and it won't achieve anything, it's hard. Very hard. You are struggling and you need some immediate support. Please think about this Esther, because you are a very valued person. You have achieved so much and I am so proud of you.

 

i once achieved stuff but then i fell off the wagon ... im nothing ... useless and weak ... i cant take anymore .... so i drink the pain away , or drug the pain away but its not numbing it enough now

 

You are not useless and weak!!!! Don't ever think that. The pain won't go away until the issues are addressed at the heart. I know therapy can be painful, but you need to continue it and to tell your therapist that it is overly painful for you. Perhaps they can find different approaches. Please don't let your thoughts eat you up inside. I know you are looking for help and a way to stop this because you posted this thread. While you are still in the mindset of looking for help and support, get yourself down to the Emergency Department. They will help you and get you the help and support you need during this difficult time for you.

 

Forgive me for interrupting the dialogue between you two.

Esther, I have to ask, does your sadness reflect the pain you felt after losing the people you love? If what you're experiencing is bereavement, it's somewhat different from depression. But bereavement can turn into a major depressive episode, which seems to be pretty clearly the case with you.

You would do well to find a clinician who has experience with bereavement. You said you had a therapist, but that you basically don't like going because it brings up painful issues. That's not how therapy's supposed to go, you're supposed to be eased into it at your own pace. Your therapist doesn't seem very experienced at bringing up painful issues if it causes you to shy away.

As butterfly said, you need to talk to someone who can help you. A therapist, psychiatrist, or someone in the ER, which is immediately available. I would suggest you do it sooner than later, because I think your agitation is only going to get worse, making your risk of committing suicide skyrocket.

Do you think you have it in you to reach out instead of killing yourself?

 

Esther, I don't know you very well, but from your posts I have seen how lovely you are, please speak to someone get help okay!
Losing your boy and Nana must be immeasurable pain. I love my boy to bits and came close to losing him once and that has haunted me for the 3 yrs so I know your pain of losing your boy must be overwhelming. I'm sorry Esther, our children aren't supposed to go before us. Thats just it Hun, anyone would struggle you've been amazing to get this far please don't give up now. Tell someone, get help, could you get your meds changed so they can help you more?
No one can feel your pain or understand fully but please know you are not alone and you have people who care here ready, willing to walk through this with you. Sorry, words seem so empty on a screen when you really just need a hug and a listening ear.
Sending you loadsa hugs
Hang in there x

 

Esther, sorry I didn't see this sooner. Huni we've talked often and I think I understand where you are at. I just want to offer my support and listening ear if you need it. And I also know that you can get better, coz you are a strong woman, no matter what you think of yourself right now.

:hug:

 

You have been through so much lately...in your town, in your home and in your life...it is no wonder you are feeling so overwhelmed and displaced...please tell your therapist that what you are talking about is too provocative so s/he can modify the treatment...text/PM me if you need a shoulder to lean on...J

 

thanks all for ur replys , i must admit tho that i dont feel like im worth all this effort , im just so tired of fighting this depression , its been 13 years now of an up hill battle for myself , and its just been the past 6 months or so that have topped it and made it rather unbareable , i thought i was getting thru some of the stuff i mentioned , but in reality ive just been pushing it down and not dealing with it at all , i dont really want to go to the ER as im forever there and i dont want to have to repeat everything i say on monday to my therapist , if i make it .

im just so tired of fighting tho and i just urgh . im really not sure that theres much use in me writting all this . i feel like crap cant seem to pull myself outta it and im tired , even a nights sleep would be heaven right now but i cant even do that .. its the little things that have just pushed me over the edge

 

You are so worth it Esther.
Keep posting, know how much you are cared for, by myself and others. Pete x

 

so the battle continues for me , i talked to my T about shit , and landed me in a care facilty , tomorrow im getting reviewed and i dont know what to tell them , ive come to the poiint where i dont want to hurt anymore i dont want to feel the pain that ive run from my whole life as it near killed me when it happened and it will kill me having to re-live it .

tomorrow , im getting the things delievered to me that i need to finish things , theyll be here at 9.30am, then im going to get my hair done , and get my piercings ... and well yano .... i wanna go out having done something nice for myself as i feel soo incrediably shit right now ...

my problem is i dont know how i can pull off the whole "im fine" buzz so that they let me go home , im not expecting to get any answers here as i know this is a pro life site but i needed to write about this ,

how can ppl expect me to continue hurting so badly ?? i mean its not fair god idk anymore i just hope like fuckery that i can pull this off tomorrow and it be the end , so close yet so fucken far away