I don't quite understand what is occurring in my head

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by syo, Mar 31, 2013.

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  1. syo

    syo Guest

    I am a 21 year old female. I believe I have no reason to be 'depressed' (I am sceptical towards the concept), people praise me constantly, and say I should be happy because of all these attributes I possess.

    However, I have had a lingering negative force in my head for just under a year now. Constant feelings of worthlessness, helplessness,low moods, constant numbness (feeling 'dead' inside) and a volatile relationship with food. I have managed to hide this for a while by pre-occupying myself with everything such as university work, exercise and working. However recently the 'bad' has somehow decided to challenge my best efforts of harbouring the thoughts I have mentioned and I have found myself in cycles of apathy, crying to myself for no reason, not leaving the house for days being bed bound. I have tried to push these feelings away. I have not discussed these feelings with anybody, my mum makes comments of depressed people being 'weak' and I too have adopted that philosophy, and I am ashamed and disgusted with myself that I cannot pull it together.

    Recently all this has intensified by me developing suicidal thoughts. I fantasise about dying, but I don't want to die. I can logically see suicide is not the answer and I do not want to hurt those around me. But I cannot handle this terrible stigmatic feeling in my mind, feeling those feelings, having a little voice tell me that I should do it.

    I do not want to go to the doctor. I do not want to take drugs. I feel like I'm limited to ending this internal pain by just quietly phasing myself away from life and have found myself researching suicide, and even mentally 'planning' my death.

    I feel like I don't know what to do.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun welcome to SF There does not have to be a reason hun for depression stress can cause chemical inbalance in your brain of dopamine hun Meds can help to stablilize the level just as insulin helps a diabetic so does meds replace the dopamine lost with stress There is always therapy hun a good therapist can help the thoughts to decrease and bring you stabilty as well but doing both together you have better results so meds and therapy. Do not leave getting help or support to long hun do not go down that dark hole to far because it will only take longer to get out of it. Reach out NOW hun talk to your family your doctor a therapist and get the help that is there to stop this downward spiral hugs
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. I so understand not wanting to go to a doctor or rake drugs. I am one of those people too. I do not know if they would help. But for some, it really makes it so they can reclaim their lives. If you will not see a MD, would you be willing to see a naturopath or homeopath who has good understanding of issues around depression ? Because doing nothing doesnt seem fair to do to yourself. If you know what I mean.

    For what its worth, I strongly disagree with your mum re depressed people being weak. Perhaps she absorped that thought from her mum. And you absorped it from her. I can give you some names of famous people who suffered from depression. Mandy Moore, amanda peete. Catherine Zeta-Jones, Demin Lovato, Bryce Dallas Howard, Gwenyth Paltrow, J.K. Rowing..... I coiuld name many more. the thing they did was to get it treated. So it didnt take them down. Please do not let the judgements of your mum, and likely her mum, keep you in hell. you deserve better. I know its hard to judge oneself. but really, what we resist persists. And do you want to allow shame to ruin your life? I feel huge shame and judgement toward myself, by the way. But shame can be the most damaging thing of all. Because it keeps people from becoming well and living a productive life. Because it keeps them from reaching out. :hug:

    Having said this, I am so glad you reached out to us !!! I am vrey glad you are here. Please keep coming. Make this your community, if you would like. Its a very supportive bunch of folks. We are people who have first hand understanding of the pain of suffering and all that goes along with it.
  4. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum
    You are not a lone in situation there any many people who are in the same boat and who clearly understand what you are going through right now, I truely empathise with how you are feeling. But please i would suggest you seek assistance as soon as possible before this escalates and you end up doing something you later regret. If you are danger, then please mental health team if you have one or make yourself known in hospital.
    Please see this usual fact sheet which could help you
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