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I don't really know what I'm doing

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Just-Charlie, Sep 21, 2016.

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  1. Just-Charlie

    Just-Charlie New Member

    Well I stumbled upon this site whilst searching for answers. I'm just lost and stuck in what feels like a bottomless pit of depression and grief. You shouldn't completely break in half when someone you love wholeheartedly passes away right? You shouldn't still be grieving and still have moments of disbelief after 2 years? Whoever says it gets easier with time failed to say the amount of time cos I still feel the exact same way as i did that day. I don't know but hey, hi.
    LDM likes this.
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Everyone grieves differently. Have you considered getting professional help for it?
  3. Just-Charlie

    Just-Charlie New Member

    I did try and it honestly didn't really help, just got put on meds and was also told everyone grieves differently. But I think after 2 years the pain of loss should ease a bit at least right? I'm just stuck and I don't know how to get out
  4. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    Charlie, welcome to SF. As noted, everyone does grieve differently. I remember watching my mom break into tears every mothers day. Her mom actually died on mothers day. This was 20+ years after her mom's death. I did not understand her grief until she died. I think of her daily, and miss her daily. And I remember how lost my dad was when she passed. Death is hard. Especially for those left behind. I can only suggest that you try and get involved in other things. Work, volunteering, book clubs, chess clubs..... and so on. Anything to keep yourself active; to keep the pain and depression away at least for a little while.
    Thauoy likes this.
  5. Just-Charlie

    Just-Charlie New Member

    Thank you. I just wish I knew how to keep busy cos I'm not living, merely existing and I've been told that's a sad thing for a 28 year old
  6. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    It is said for anyone, at any age. Do you get out at all? Can you share more about the love you lost? What activities did you enjoy in the past? Can you think of things you would like to do in the future? When depressed it is so difficult to think about the future and believe that it can possibly be better. But it can be. You will never forget your love. You wouldn't want to. But you can build a new future, with new adventures and new people.
    Thauoy likes this.
  7. Just-Charlie

    Just-Charlie New Member

    I lost my grandma. She was like my other mother. Honestly I don't go out anymore or do much, haven't for almost 2 years now. Completely alienated and isolated myself which is really hurting my mom but I prefer being alone
    Ellicul-Nelle likes this.
  8. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    Sorry you lost your grandma. I know a lot of people get really close to grandparents. It makes it really rough when they pass. But it is the natural order of things. I suspect you have been told that many times though. Just think, would you really have wanted her to go on forever? I am sure you know how health fails as people age. Life can really become difficult. At some point death becomes a release. I don't know if this is the case for you grandma, but she has been relieved of the suffering this world can bring. But you have probably been told that too. Try and set a simple goal for yourself. Maybe go out for lunch, even alone, once or twice a week.
    IamTetsuo likes this.
  9. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    @Just-Charlie I was thinking of you today and had an idea. What if you get involved in an activity with the intent of doing it to honor your grandmother. Something you know she would appreciate and be touched by your involvement. A couple things came to mind. A lot of older people are confined to retirement homes. They have been forsaken by friends and family and live a life of loneliness. You could add a lot to their lives of you take some time to visit them. They could share their stories and you could talk about your grandma. Another option would be meals-on-wheels, if they have the program around you. With this program you deliver meals to people who really can't cook for themselves and are pretty much housebound. Helping out there could be a great tribute to your grandma.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  10. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am sorry about your loss!

    I can tell you one thing, grief does not have an expiration date, and not two people grieve the same way. There are no rules for how and how long to morn someone and it doesn't help you to judge yourself for it. Your grandmother was obviously important to you; and that probably why she is still on your mind in this way.

    I think SillyOldBear has come with some very great ideas; honour her memory; try to use your grief constructively.
  11. LDM

    LDM Member

    I can relate to this Charlie. I get this realisation at times where I go into shock that they're actually gone. I can't tell you to keep busy or go to counselling or take meds because that's what I've been told and it hasn't worked for me but I'm not saying that nothing works, not at all, I guess I'm just trying to let you know that there is someone similar here you can talk to and we can maybe figure it out together? Everyone seems very helpful on here, I'm only new.. Sorry if I've made things worse. I'm here xx
  12. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I'm sorry for your loss. I can only say what others have, that everyone grieves differently. My childhood boyfriend died when we were 17, just over 30 years ago. I remember grieving his death for so long. Maybe about ten years ago I could stop going to his grave every year and stop lamenting over his loss. Some people make such an impact on us that we can't process the loss in the time frame that people might impose on us. Take care xx
  13. Pegellen

    Pegellen New Member

    Hey, Charlie ~

    I'm so sorry you lost your grandma, whom you obviously love so very much (please note I didn't say "loved"; you never stop loving someone like that, whether they're alive or not.

    My beautiful 16-year-old daughter died 22 years ago in an accident. So, I feel your pain. And for the first several years, I couldn't understand why the world didn't come to a screeching halt! I could NOT figure out why everyone just kept on going and working and living their lives when the life of one I loved more than my own life wasn't on this earth anymore. My 12-year-old daughter was also in the same accident, but she recovered and survived (carbon monoxide poisoning from our faulty furnace). So I had to be available for her, but, believe me, there were times when I wanted to die, and so did she, her survivor guilt was so heavy for her.

    Note that was 22 years ago, but I'm still walking through my grief on a daily basis; it's just changed over the years, plus I know I'm going to see her in Heaven again some day. Do I still cry sometimes? You betcha. Are there times when I'm afraid I've forgotten the sound of her voice and the way she smelled? Yes. But through the grace of God, I've learned that the way I grieve for Ellen is good and appropriate for me.

    About a year ago I found an article which I think is absolutely wonderful regarding the grief process, but I can't post links here. I hope you'll look it up. It's at a site called "To Love, Honor, and Vacuum," and the article is entitled, "Grief: You Don't Just Get Over It." It's from July 2015, and the truth in it is way better than I can articulate. I hope you can find it.

    Charlie, don't give up and don't beat yourself up. Your grief is your grief. Time doesn't heal, but your response over time will bring you to a place of peace, when you can remember things your grandmother did with you and they bring you joy and laughter. And then, who knows? The tears may come right after.

    You have been on my mind for a couple of days and I wanted to offer you words of encouragement and hope, so I do hope this helps.
    SillyOldBear and moxman like this.
  14. Depressed Since 1974

    Depressed Since 1974 Active Member

    It is OK to be sad! It is OK to cry! It is OK to grieve!

    Grief is a very personal experience.
    Some people grieve for days, and some people grieve for a lifetime. Most people grieve for a time somewhere in between.
    Some people can grieve with minimal interruption to their lives. For others, grief tears apart their fabric of reality. Everyone that experiences grief will go through some kind of reality alteration.

    I waited over a year before I tried to deal with my grief. I encourage you to explore therapy.

    I came to grips with my own grief and loss through months of therapy for depression and PTSD (triggered by my friends sudden passing). With therapy I learned how to accept the loss and celebrate and remember my friend's life. I still miss him and I always will. I still have moments of grief but these moments are no longer all consuming.

    I don't subscribe to the words: "it will get better with time." I prefer to think more along the lines of I'll get better each day. I would say to myself: "I will be better able to accept the loss of my friend: when think about him or hear his name and I think not of my own grief but instead I think of him and smile at my memories; remembering the times we had together... or the time he was funny... or remember his children... or our friends."

    Grief is a process without a manual and a process that changes for each person and changes again at each moment of grief. We make up our own process and get through it the best we can.
    SillyOldBear likes this.
  15. troubledmind

    troubledmind Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about your loss.. I lost my mom three years ago and my dad six months later.. He died from a broken heart.. I was caught in the middle of my grief.. My therapist told me to go somewhere private and talk out loud to them.. So I started talking to them and it brought forth the tears.. I did this for around a year.. It worked I was able to think of them and not cry.. I love my parents and to this day I still talk to them on occasion.. Hopefully this will help you if you try it.. There is no wrong way to do it.. Just speak from your heart.. I think my parents look down on me and help guide me in my decisions.. Take Care!!!
  16. wtfhappened

    wtfhappened Member

    I don't know what I'm doing to myself. I had an amazing life, with an amazing university, job, everything. My family and friends love and admire me so much. But I feel so trapped inside my own thoughts. My parents are doing everything to help me but I just feel like I don't want to help myself. I started binge eating, I don't want to exercise, all I do is lie on my bed, regretting all of the wrong decisions I have made and beating myself up for not working harder to cure my depression. At this point, people are very frustrated with my attitude, and so am I, but I feel like something within me doesn't want to change it. I feel I'm becoming addicted to this depression and self-destructive behavior. I used to be beautiful, and now I have gained weight, have acne on my face, and I feel so sick overall. The worst thing is that I have done so much research, so I know everything I have to do: eat healthy, sleep well, get back to my higiene habits, meditate, etc etc etc, but I just don't want to. I dropped out of college this semester to only focus only on my health but being home for some reason has made my eating habits and my attitude worse. I had everything I wanted and everything has gone so south in the past two months, and for some reason I keep beating myself up constantly and binge eating, instead of having a positive attitude, and appreciating all of my friends and family's support. And it's so obvious that suicide isn't an option because that would be devastating for my family, but I feel like reading so much about depression it's just an idea that got stuck in my mind and now I don't know how to get it out. Please help!!
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