I don't really know what my problem is...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Cooki, May 3, 2014.

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  1. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    I have attempted suicide for 7 times by now, and I know that I wouldn't mess it up another time. I know exactly what I would do, I have everything I need. But I won't do it, because then I would probably do a favor to people that hate me and I'd hurt the people that kinda care about me.
    I don't exactly know what my problem is. I'm a really good student, my boyfriend thinks I'm highly intelligent. But I'm depressed/suicidal, for a reason I don't know for sure.
    My parents don't allow me anything, I'm not allowed to be out after 6 pm, I've never had a sleepover at a friends or so, I'm not even allowed to leave the house without telling my parents the exact reason. But on the other side my parents don't give a s*** on my feelings or what gets wrong with me. I don't get any attention from them. And my brother kinda treats me like his private slave or something. I for example do his Maths- and English-homework, while he chats with his so-called "friends". And every time my parents actually interact with me, they'd be just yelling at me because I didn't do something they didn't ever tell me to do. So my parents could be a reason why I'm suicidal.
    But my classmates treat me like a worthless creature as well. For them, I just exist as long as I give them my homework to copy. I'm too friendly, I never say no. So they all just use me and then they throw me away, over and over and over and over again. That messed me up somehow too.
    On the other hand, I shouldn't have any reason to be suicidal. I mean, the person I love loves me too, and I don't want to hurt or lose him. He said if I end my life, he will come after me, no matter what his therapist had told him. I know what that all must sound like. It probably sounds like teen-problems, which kinda is it, but it's more than that to it. My boyfriend doesn't go to school anymore, he just finished it about half a year ago. He's adult enough to know about consequences of actions. He means what he says. He says I'm his little angel, and that it is his duty, his will, to save me as long as he can. To make me happy, because he says that I've been through enough suffering in the last few years.
    So that's why I have no reason to kill myself.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have not dealt with the abuse you have had to deal with hun in your past. You need to get some therapy some counceling to heal from it all. You need to look after YOU so you can be here for the ones that do care for you. Time to heal ok reach out to teacher or councilor at your school and talk to someone about what you have had to deal with.
  3. ShakeSphere

    ShakeSphere New Member

    First post! wasn't planning on diving in so quickly, but your post struck me.

    I'm not an expert or anything, but I think this is a key aspect of your thoughts you need to let go of. I can understand the anger here, but living your life putting so much consideration into not only other people... but other people who you're at odds with will weigh you down (believe me, I know, although sometimes I need to take my own advice better). IT adds stress and can compound an already bad situation.

    You mentioned some good reasons -- your boyfriend -- to try and stay positive. I'd focus in on that. Remember, despite all that preceded it in your post, he's an element of your life that not everybody else has. And that is a great thing.
  4. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    I can't talk to anybody, my parents would find out. And they don't accept that there are people that truely suffer from psychological disorders. The grandmother that I never got to know took her own life when my dad was just seven. He always told me that I have a lot of her, since she was really clever and stuff, but as well he tells me something I consider a lie he had been told or something. He says that she had ended her life just to get what she wanted from his father. He says. That she had threatened his dad with that, and that she didn't wa t to die in the first place. But I can't believe that, because if she hadn't wanted to die, she wouldn't have chosen a method that works for sure, would she. So I think that's proof that my parents, at least my dad, don't think that there are people that have a psychological problem.
  5. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    And thank you for your help guys :) I'm so glad I ended up here!
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. I am wondering if your boyfriend's therapist can find someone for you to talk to who would agree to not tell your parents. I personally do think that psychological stuff runs in families both genetically and also of course how families treat each other from generation to generation. Both things are true for my family for sure.

    One things for sure, you deserve someone to help you. Really glad you are writing here. But I hope you can find a confidential therapist/counselor to talk with at home, someone who doesnt charge. Wounded people often wound. Your parents are not willing to get help. And they went on to wound you. You want to do better than them. Thats great. I personally want you to live. I really do
  7. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    I can't get help because my parents would find out. It's a bit difficult to even go to my boyfriend's therapist with him, without my parents getting to know.
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