I don't really know what to do...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Viskar, Feb 22, 2008.

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  1. Viskar

    Viskar Member

    All my life, I've been kind of depressed. An abusive family, raised very poor, the whole 9 yards you'd typically see in some LifeTime movie..

    About a year ago I finally escaped to Washington (From Florida) and was miserable for about a month or so, but I slowly got better, and got happy.

    I then was talked into moving back down here from a family member (I don't know why... I was ignorant, and wanted attention, maybe? I thought things has changed.)

    but now I'm back to my own ways...

    I snap at things I shouldn't snap it - I'm trying to help my mom get out of debt, so I'm resuming college, and helping her financially with my grant, and charging all of my credit cards up.

    We're still very poor, I have no job, nor transportation. I've put out hundreds of apps, and gotten lots of calls, but I have no way to get to the buildings. I can't even manage to make it on bike to the interview (We're talking fifty miles)..

    now I see here every night feeling like crap, and talking to my friends acting normal. But it really isn't normal..

    I don't know what to do - Killing myself would be fine, I'm willing to accept eternal damnation, if I just never feel this pain anymore. Physical pain is fine, emotional pain kills me... But my mother, and friends, would be way too hurt if I left. I'm trying to stay here just for them, but I'm only delaying a time-bomb.

    I'm happy here with my mom, but with us just getting further, and further in debt - And my credit getting murdered in a couple weeks (All my cards will be cap'd, so I can't use one to pay off the other) I don't know what to do. Eventually we will get evicted....

    I don't know why I'm posting here, noone can really help me. Maybe I just want insight, or maybe attention? Who knows.

    Sorry for being hypocritical, heh.

    Edit: Sorry, I see a lot of UK users - Was I not allowed to post here? I'm sorry if so.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    welcome viskar,

    you'll find there's loads of people here from loads of countries... so no worries, you are very welcome here

    it's good you are making your mom happy by being in FL, but are you happy? if you have no way to get to work you are only making it harder for yourself in the long run. can you move closer to town and school? it's good to care about your family but ultimately you have to make the decisions that will let you thrive as a human being.

    the fact that you are considering suicide as an option tells me how much you are suffering over this and other family problems. but you have other choices, as remote as they seem to you right now. can you talk to someone at teh student health center to talk to? you don't have to fight this alone,

  3. Viskar

    Viskar Member

    Well, I do complete online courses. It's the only way I can even attend. So I don't even really get to re-act with people. I spend a lot of time online, but those people all think I'm happy-go-lucky. S'how I like to show myself off as.
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i know what it's like to put on an act, but you dont' have to do that here!

  5. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    Hey man i know how you feel. I'm in college and in financial debt now. It seems like your biggest obstacle is transportation for now. Did you ever try getting a loan for a car and pay it back with the money you will make with a job. What about a used car dealership. Ask around for a bit or ask friends for some help getting to work until you get a car. I hear that there are some dealerships out there that will get you a car if you can prove you have a job.
  6. Viskar

    Viskar Member

    Yea, I've been trying everything for a car. I -could- seriouslly pay the monthly payments even right now, because of my financial aid. But without a co-signer (Anyone with good credit), or a job for atleast 6 months, I can't get financed for anything. Transportation is the problem, and I don't know what to do. I feel better then a few hours ago when I posted this, but it's only a temporary fix.

    Exhaustion is setting in, so my mind is too tired to feel pain, I think.
  7. almosteasy

    almosteasy Well-Known Member

    Viskar, I don’t know what religion you are but in my religion eternal damnation consists of physical pain far beyond any mental suffering anyone on this planet can have from depression. I'd rather be depressed then be burned alive and put back together for more of the same. Just food for thought.

    As far as the transportation situation, there are companies then give out cars to people in return for advertisements being displayed on the car. I’m sure you've seen them on the road before. Try that, I don’t know too much about it but you can find the information online easily.

    You can also try for a job that’s close to a bus route, train station or one within walking distance. If all else fails get job at a McDonalds or w/e that’s within walking distance, work full time for a month saving everything and then buy a cheap car (no worrying about financing since you will pay everything when you buy the car). Then you can use that leverage to find a better job.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 23, 2008
  8. Viskar

    Viskar Member

    I worked mcDonalds as a teenager, and left on bad terms, so I'm not eligible for re-hire.

    I'm really interested in this advertising vehicle thing - It sounds intriguing to me.
    I'm in a small city, we have neither trains, nor busses. It's a miliatary city, so everyone has cars.

    I know it sounds like I'm procrastinating, but I'm willing to do anything. Even fast food work.

    EDIT: I found about those wrapped cars - I applied for one. Hopefully it will go well. I am an ideal customer, seeing as I love driving, and am a very good one. Also I am quite persuasive, and having been in sales, can lie about products. :)
    Thank you for your advice.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 23, 2008
  9. Daze&Confused

    Daze&Confused Antiquitie's Friend

    Food for thought,sounds like scare tactics to me.

    Viskar i don't now if you have citizens advice bureaus there, or debt councilors, but you really need a proffesional to take a look at your finances and see if there is a better solution for you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 23, 2008
  10. almosteasy

    almosteasy Well-Known Member

    I don’t know what your religious viewpoint is and it doesn’t really matter. The point is I’m religious and what I typed is what I truly believe. I simply gave viskar my point of view on the subject so he can relate it to his own religions consequence of eternal damnation.
  11. Daze&Confused

    Daze&Confused Antiquitie's Friend

    Not going to start a row here, but how does threatening someone with eternal damnation help them, people come here for all sorts of reasons, but i'm sure the last thing they need is more fear.
    You're entitled to your beliefs, but this isnt a religious site, and i don't want to hijack this thread.

    Viskar hope things are going well.
  12. Viskar

    Viskar Member

    Aye, there was no immediate risk when I posted this. I just have the same feeling all the time. I continue going for my family, so I can only hope I learn to cope with this pain by the time the want to go on for them fades. Haha. I don't really know. We shall see!

    Thanks for all the replies.
  13. almosteasy

    almosteasy Well-Known Member

    Yes I'm a very religious person. But if you look at all my posts you will NEVER see any mention of religion. That’s because I respect the fact that each individual has very diversified beliefs as to the existence of god. The only reason I mentioned religion in this thread is because viskar did.

    I was expanding on what he already wrote to give my viewpoint on it. I don’t where you get "threatening" from, obviously you didn’t understand what I wrote. So to reiterate in simpler terms for you, this is pretty much what I said to visker:

    "Visker, since you believe in eternal damnation I just wanted to share my religious views on the subject with you. In my religion eternal damnation consists of being burned alive and being put back together for more of the same. Me personally would prefer to stay alive. So depending on what your religion defines as eternal damnation, maybe you will find it a better option to stay alive"

    As you can see, I don’t even know what his religion is. I just wanted him to look in depth into it because maybe he would find something to help him go on. That is the point of this site right?

    btw viskar any luck with the transportation situation?
  14. Viskar

    Viskar Member

    Not yet! Haha. Just finished (literally -just-) emailing one of the local car dealerships about a preety nice $2,000 car they got, that maybe I can put my $500 down on and finance. But since I'm 19 they almost always want a co-signer, and I have none. S'where the problem comes in! But we shalt see what happens tomorrow! :D
  15. almosteasy

    almosteasy Well-Known Member

    Hopefully it works out, let me know. Cuz if it doesnt we can try to brainstorm a new idea to get you mobile :smile:
  16. Viskar

    Viskar Member

    HAH! Apparently she was working late. She said the online briefing of the vehicle i put in an app for is wrong - To be blunt. The car has over 200K miles, and doesn't run. And apparently a car has to be over $6,000 to finance. So she's going to try for a $6,500 Hyundai Elantra 2005 (Which is saddening, because Hyundai Elantra 2007 SE! Is my dream car, haha) and she'll see if they'll accept my app with that.

    The problem with my app is I'm self employed, there-fore no proof of income. She says if I can get a co-signer, then she can 'say' I make a steady $2,000 a month cleared. Soooo, she'll either call me within an hour, or if she lives before she gets a bank response, she'll call me tomorrow! We shall see once more!

    (Everytime I think I have a solution to my problem, something messes it up! Haha. It's so sad it's funny.)
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