I don't really see a sense in living anymore.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by shane86, Aug 29, 2010.

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  1. shane86

    shane86 Banned Member

    I don't even know how to start or where to go. I hate counselors because 90% of the time you tell them your suicidal they refer you to a crazy house where you get daily needles up your asshole. So I decided to come here and see if someone can come up with an idea of why I should live and hopefully be non judgmental.

    I am a pedophile. I'm glad that I finally admitted it to myself. Now this does NOT mean that I abuse children or would EVER abuse a child. Those are called child abusers/rapists and the word Pedophile has been extorted by the media so much that anytime someone hears the word pedophile they automatically assume that person rapes kids. This merely means that I am attracted to children 10 through 18 and ATTRACTED NOT WANTING TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM. Why's everyone automatically assume that all loves about sex? It makes me sick and quite frankly I wish that sex and pleasure organs never existed. There'd be no rape, no unwanted pregnancies, no pressure and no embarassment or discomfort of worrying about talking to your teenagers about sex. The list goes on and on. And thats all that love is these days to people. Don't people ever go on a fucking date or cuddle anymore?

    So, everyone wants to blow my head off because of my sexual orientation that will never be realized. I'll never be able to show a girl a good time and date them or get close to them non sexually, or even remotely admit that I'm attracted to them without being criticized or go through mental brainwashing from a counselor and have a needle shoved up my ass? Fuck that shit. I don't think I should go through brainwashing just because I was BORN that way. Yes, I'm sorry all sexual orientations happen that way. Homosexuals,Lesbians,Bi's,Girllovers boylovers,straight people..etc are born with a sexual orientation. Look it up.

    And then everyone assumes that you're attracted to ALL kids. Family members,every random little girl that walks down the street. Tell me, when you see a hot chick/dude on the sidewalk do you automatically want to have sex with him/her? Of course not. Same thing with me.

    Anyway 4 paragraphs and I'm only halfway done explaining why I'm considering ending my life. There's that, and then there's the fact that I'm 5' 11 and weigh over 300 pounds. I've struggled with weight since I was 10 years old. Preventive I know, I'm lazy and just adding that in.

    I'm very talented and skilled on computers. Sounds like a good thing right? WRONG. Who wants to sit in some cubicle for 19 hours a day being a software developer? Yes they do work 19 hours a day that isn't an exaggeration. Computer Programmers/Software developers get more overtime and have a higher divorce rate than any other job in Canada. Don't believe me look it up.

    I'm also constantly worrying about my sister (whom I love very much). Who my parents suspect is a pedophile because shes engaged to a 16 year old guy (shes 27 and yes 16 is the legal age of consent here in ontario) and there considering sending her away to a psych ward all because she loves a guy 11 years younger than her? It's legal so who in the hell cares? They love each other more than anything and knew each other since they were kids, Leave her the hell alone. She also has a 4 year old daughter (different father) who she can't hardly even afford to pay for because she spends her money so god damn foolishly. She's going to lose her house and everything you watch.

    So... what's the sense in living when everyone wants to stick a 12 gauge halfway up your ass? You're a lazy fatass who can't do anything right and you're doomed to a life as a computer programmer because that's the only thing you can see yourself doing? I'll never find love happiness or really.... anything. Just.... so much crap.

    I'm sorry if this sounds like pissing and moaning. I really don't want to kill myself i'm just trying to come up with reasons I can tell myself about why I should live when nobody in this society is going to listen to me or care.

    I can live without love but I can't live with keeping a secret from everybody and living a lie my whole life. And I would rather end my life than go see a counselor and spend the rest of my life in a nut house in a straight jacket all because this time and society thinks I'm perverted.
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Shane and welcome to SF. I'm sorry to hear that you're a pedophile and considering suicide, but you probably won't get much sympathy from people around here, since many of them have been abused by pedophiles. Also, being attracted to minors aged 10-18 makes you a predator, not a pedophile. Also, I don't think pedophilia is a valid sexual orientation like being straight or gay. Pedophilia is a mental disorder and you need professional help before you harm a child.
  3. space777

    space777 New Member

    I'm sorry you're in so much pain. If you are not going to act on your feelings, no one (counselor or anyone else) should be trying to put you in a hospital. Given everything you are feeling, please consider trying to find a therapist whom you trust and can talk to--sounds like you have too much emotional stuff on your plate to go it alone! I wish I could take away your pain:(
  4. shane86

    shane86 Banned Member

    I didn't ask for sympathy did I? List anywhere in my topic where it says that I was looking for sympathy. I merely wanted a reason for living. And nobody would or could understand or want to understand. Why do I automatically deserve a needle shoved up my ass? I believe these "predators as you called them" deserve to be in jail as much as you do. I stated that I would never harm a minor and I am a man of my word. Unlike 99% of todays society I'm able to keep it in my pants thank you very much. I stated in my post that I think sex is evil and we would all be better without it. So why would I rape a minor? Quite frankly I'm insulted. Besides, you can investigate me all you want. Say I'm crazy and have as many mental disorders as you want but as long as I'm not harming children in anyway or doing anything illegal I have just as much right to voice my opinions as you do. So ignore what I said and answer what I originally wanted in my topic, a reason to live.

    I don't hate you or what you said I just read and took it like you hated me. It wasn't flaming or anything it was just... meh I dont know forget it.

    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 30, 2010
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think your problem now is pure anger at everyone you do not have to have sex with a minor to cause major harm to that child okay Get help with your anger then maybe you will be able to help yourself more only you can help you really so get the help you need psychologically physically so you can be happier with living
  6. shane86

    shane86 Banned Member

    Angry at the world? Maybe, its mostly giving up on the world though. So you think I'm going to beat a child? Would you beat your lover (theres people that do but that's not the point I'm trying to get across here)? Look, until society thinks that it's ok for people to date a child (which won't probably ever happen for a long long time if ever) I won't even go NEAR one. I avoid kids at all costs not because I don't trust myself sexually but because I don't trust myself romantically if that makes any sense. If it doesn't basically what I'm saying is I'm afraid of admitting my feelings to a child or worse their parents. Admitting your attracted to children isn't against the law or anything its just veiwed worthy of deserving a shotgun blast to the chest. You can't meet anyone socially and basically have to live a lie your whole life. I don't like living a lie I would rather die.

    The only reason I would even consider asking for help (and not from a counselor my sister) on this issue is because of my 4 year old niece. I'm not attracted to her or kids of that age but like I said I won't even go near kids. I've basically ignored my niece since she was born. Which isn't right to her she deserves a loving uncle regardless of his beliefs. I love my neice very much and this upsets me greatly. And what if she does reach the age that I'm attracted to? I don't want to date family members as much as you do but she might think that I'm going to rape her or hurt her. Or automatically assume that i'm interested in her. Especially when schools start teaching you about sex at that age. I don't want that. But I don't want to live a lie my whole life either. It's eating me alive.
  7. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hi Shane86, I feel your conflict. I believe you when you say you will never act on your feelings of attraction. I feel how alone you must feel with this.
  8. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    Hello Shane and welcome to the forum. If you need someone to talk to feel free to pm me. It is true many people here (inculuding myself) have been abused by pedophiles but you have expressed that you would never act on it so your ok in my book. So like i said please feel free to pm me anytime. :hug:
  9. lurker

    lurker Member

    guys, remember there is a differecne between actually hurting a child, and just the sexual attraction to a child. i dont think that shane is a pedocriminal so no need to bash him
  10. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    I agree with you on this 100% :hug:
  11. lurker

    lurker Member

    i dont wanna turn this into a discussion about if its okay to like girls underage, but just to defend shane, 25% of the adult males are feeling sexual attracted to childs ( means that they not seeking it, but that they could get a hardon, pardon my english, it is not my native language so i hope everyone understand me)
  12. TrentGrad

    TrentGrad Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, but I don't understand why you're so defensive. It is true: the minute you tell someone you're a pedophile, the automatic thought people have is one of repulsion and anger!

    However surely you understand that this is not a sexual orientation, and surely you also understand that you are showing MANY different problems that have to be worked through. Sex, for instance, is not evil! We would not exist without sex! And your references to counselors, therapists and psychiatrists...did you get that out of some backward horror film?

    I've seen 4 psychiatrists in my lifetime, as well as 3 therapists, 2 social workers, and I've been a patient in a mental health day hospital for nearly 3 months. In all of that time, not only was I never confronted with a needle up the backside...I never met a single person who was confronted with that either! My cousin was locked up in a mental health care facility for approximately three months- it was hard, and was more like a jail...however she did not get a needle up the backside either! You're peddling a bunch of nonsense to avoid getting the help you need!

    Try to find a therapist and/or a psychiatrist that you feel comfortable and confident with! It can be hard, but it certainly is not impossible!

    A healthy person does not have urges for children. A healthy person does not view sex as evil. And a healthy person DOES have some kind of libido- this is biological, and with the proper outlet, is very healthy!

    You need help, but until you put aside these ideas that help vindicate your refusal to get help, you will not get any better...and we will merely be paying lip service to try and convince you of something you should not be convincing yourself of.

    Want a reason not to kill yourself? Try this one: get the help, get past your urges for kids, and go on to help another would be pedophile in a similar situation. You protect them from this dark abyss, and you also protect the would be child victims! You'd go on to be a hero in so many ways...but a clandestine hero whose heroism could be infinite because that one other person who you help could mean a legacy of pain and devastation was avoided!
  13. TrentGrad

    TrentGrad Well-Known Member

    Obviously your parents care...and I suspect the 16 year old's parents care as well. A 16 year old, for all intents and purposes, is still a child: they are still growing physically, they are still growing mentally, and their maturity is still very suspect.

    He may be "of age," but it's doubtful whether he's mature enough to make a decision like getting engaged at 16...and there is an element of control in this type of arrangement that seems almost pedophilic.

    Do you think you and your sister may have been exposed to environmental factors in your childhood that led you both to prefer relations with children or adolescents? Perhaps your sister going to a psychatrist for an examination may not be a bad thing...
  14. shane86

    shane86 Banned Member

    You answered your own question of why I seemed defensive. Everyone's entitled to their own opinions and values. Just because I consider this a sexual orientation doesn't mean that it isn't or is. It's both of our opinions on the subject. Who's to say what's right and what's wrong? Ever take philosophy in college? If not you should, it really opens your mind. I'm not saying that I agree that raping children is right but who defines that it isn't right? God? And how do we know god says this? We also belived that god hated blacks,rock music,Masturbation,Homosexuals and everything else over the centuries we considered to be "wrong and immoral". If god doesn't define what's right and whats wrong the generation does. We basically say we don't like rock music,blacks...whatever. And that defines society. There is no right and wrong if you want to get technical about it. So why do I or my sister need to see a psychiatrist and be brainwashed (again my opinion) just because this generation views my opinions as wrong and immoral? Especially my sister who is happy at the moment? Maybe he isn't old enough to make a major decision like marriage but then again we all aren't. But, we can argue on this subject all day long and make this topic thousands of replys long and never change our own opinions and views. But you're right. I can help others, I will be frequently posting on this forum to pedophiles and victims to help them cope. And THAT'S what matters.

    I'm not seeing a psychiatrist I refuse. I am however talking to people over pms that care. That's all that should matter.

    *edit* I just thought about part of your post where you say that everyone has a sex drive. You're absolutely right every animal does. We are able to control our sex drives though. Think of it this way. I view sex as wrong and immoral I can go all day long on stating why. You consider having sex with children wrong and immoral. I agree with you. Just because I have sexual urges doesn't mean I act on them. Do you have sex with every person you find attractive on the street? Of course not. So why am I any different? When you consider something wrong and immoral you prevent it in your power as much as you can do you not?
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 30, 2010
  15. EK1981

    EK1981 Banned Member

    Shane - whatever you do, do NOT listen to people like this. It's bullshit. You don't have to go through the rest of your life thinking this way.

    While I do not personally harbor an attraction toward minors, I completely agree with you about pedophilia in general. We're constantly being inundated by the negative extremes of sex by the media. We've been conditioned to see so-called pedophiles as the ultimate taboo - worse than murder, rape, greed, theft, corruption, global warming, mass genocide, war, slavery, etc. It is indeed unfortunate.

    Notice I used the term 'so-called' pedophiles. I did so because few if any have a real understanding of exactly who or what the term refers to if it accurately describes anyone at all. The professional community quickly closed off any debates on the subject as roaming mobs searching for pedophiles threatened to torch their clinics and institutions. At the head of these pedophile witch-hunts, standing side by side with Christian anti-sex crusaders, were those trying to hide their own deviant sexual interest as certified by psychiatrists in the most recently endorsed lists of psychiatric disorders. (Mind you that homosexuality was listed as a psychiatric 'disorder' just 25 or so years ago as well.)

    The truth is, there are no such things as pedophiles any more than there are heterosexuals or homosexuals. None of these terms even comes close to accurately describing the true nature of anyone's sexuality as it plays out within the distorting and inhibiting restraints of today's cultures. About the only thing that is certain after decades of associating sex with the rare and extreme is that the new norm for sex in the public's eye has been transformed into the rare and extreme. To say that sex has been unfairly vilified by the media has to be one of the biggest understatements of the century. But I digress.

    My advice would be to hang in there simply because you never know what could happen. Of course you will never be able to act on your sexual desires because of the law, but this is not the end all - be all to life.

    The main thing here is to get the idea out of your head that you're somehow abnormal or that you 'need help' because of your attraction. I think once you fully come to grips with the fact that there is NOTHING wrong with you then you'll be able to move forward, little by little.

    I wish you well.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 31, 2010
  16. EK1981

    EK1981 Banned Member

    Perhaps it's you that has convinced yourself that an attraction toward someone under the magical age of what society deems appropriate is somehow unhealthy. Perhaps it is you that is doing nothing more than parroting what you believe to be the voice of good and moral society. Perhaps it is you that has simply accepted what you've been told rather than even attempting to put this issue to the scrutiny of your own mind.

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with a child experiencing safe sexual pleasure with someone older. The only reason it would be wrong or harmful is because of the societal stigma / condemnation toward the sex; not the actual sex. Unless of course you can explain to me how safe sexual pleasure is fundamentally harmful -- void of any reason that stems from the condemnation. In fact, if you can list a single tangible harm, I will admit that I'm 100% wrong. But until you do, I will refuse to believe in a premise based exclusively upon ignorance, superstition, hearsay, and public hysteria.

    People did not used to view sex the way we have learned to view it today. The association of sex with emotional trauma is a fairly new phenomenon without much basis in fact. This does not say that rape or forced sex does not cause trauma because it certainly does. While sex with an unwelcome partner may cause extreme sensations of disgust both during and after, our imagination of how terrible this disgust must feel likely exceeds the reality.

    The fact is, sex is overwhelmingly something the mentally healthy would put in the positive experience column. Sex feels good in any number of ways as it meets deep basal needs that draw all of us to experience it. Attempts to claim that sex traumatizes children ignore the overwhelmingly positive aspects of sex. If the experience of sex evokes guilt it would be wrong to blame this on sex when the real culprit can usually be traced to irrationalism we acquired from religious folklore.

    To reach the conclusion that sex is only supposed to manifest itself in the limited ways prescribed by today's current flavor of social acceptability which frowns upon any type of inter-generational sex is to ignore the obvious reality that people have always been diverse. Not only does each and every one of us have different tastes, likes and dislikes; the fact of our intended diversity evidences any number of important reasons for it including those tied to the survival of our species. While some may be genetically predisposed to perpetuate the species through sexual interactions with the opposite sex, others may be genetically directed to perpetuate the species by raising abandoned, neglected or orphaned children. In short, nothing could be more normal than to experience different sexual preferences than the person sitting next to you or to experience evolving sexual preferences as one goes through life.

    The professional community has long recognized that normal adults occasionally see children as sexually attractive and even today their attempt to define pedophilia includes a qualifier that permits adult sexual attractions to children for up to 6 months without classifying the person as a pedophile. I challenge anyone not prone to delusion based denial or outright lying to honestly claim that have never found a prepubescent or pubescent child the least bit sexually attractive. If you need evidence of the level of public hysteria on this issue consider for a moment your own reluctance to voice any opinion that even hints you may have on some level noticed the sexual appeal in children. Now ask yourself why, with rational voices silenced, the level of irrationalism surrounding childhood sex has reached the level of hysteria it has.

    The mistake we have made about sex is the same old anti-diversity problem otherwise known as prejudice that has long plagued us. We mistakenly assume that what we experience sexually is supposed to be what everyone else is supposed to experience too. And if it isn't, then we take this one step further and assume there must be something wrong with anyone whose sexual tastes differ from our own.

    The pedophile witch that society is trying to catch is nothing more than a myth. He or she doesn't really exist. We will never catch her just as our attempts to catch her will never change the reality of human sexuality. So before you light the match that sets her on fire you should remember that being a witch was not a matter of choice but rather a statement of the reality one is born into. It is the same reality that says if you are going to burn a witch, you better expect the same treatment from anyone who discovers the broom you fly around on.

    I suggest that you should get off your high horse and stop trying to tell someone else to get help or that they're not healthy simply because they're attracted to minors.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 31, 2010
  17. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Sorry EK, but you're way out of line! Famous last words of most pedo's I've seen and read about, right before they act on their feelings and desires were: "I would never act on my thoughts or desires"...THEN THEY DO!

    Pedo's are infamous for their ability to control and manipulate their prey and society at large with sophism! And lo and behold, it worked on you!

    Shane...stop using your sister as an excuse for YOUR abnormal feelings and thought patterns. Get help immediately, before you hurt somebody and take EK with you!
  18. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    Keeping in mind, most children that are 'mishandled' by pedophiles are extremely confused and pressured by the offender.

    Immature(both mentally and physically) children that are taken advantage of become extremely vulnerable to mental illness such as depression and thoughts of suicide.

    You have to realise that children don't understand what they are doing, especially at such a young age.

    I hope you can find some help, before you harm someone and end up destroying not only their life but also yours.
  19. shane86

    shane86 Banned Member

    I talked to my friend last night one that has a high belief in god and he basically said that it says in the bible: "if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea." So if god says it I guess its true. I will no longer be posting on these forums since people don't feel comfortable with me being here. I will be getting help and thank you for your time.
  20. EK1981

    EK1981 Banned Member

    I'm assuming your view of pedophilia has been shaped exclusively by sensationalized media shows. Further, your claim that pedophiles 'manipulate their prey and society at large with sophism' makes no sense whatsoever.

    Until you can explain to me how giving somebody an orgasm is harmful -- aside from any reason that stems from societal condemnation -- then (again) I will utterly refuse to believe in a premise that's based purely on ignorance, superstition, hearsay, and public hysteria.

    I've listed numerous reasons for my argument and you've yet to even attempt to counter one of them.
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