I don't even know how to start or where to go. I hate counselors because 90% of the time you tell them your suicidal they refer you to a crazy house where you get daily needles up your asshole. So I decided to come here and see if someone can come up with an idea of why I should live and hopefully be non judgmental. I am a pedophile. I'm glad that I finally admitted it to myself. Now this does NOT mean that I abuse children or would EVER abuse a child. Those are called child abusers/rapists and the word Pedophile has been extorted by the media so much that anytime someone hears the word pedophile they automatically assume that person rapes kids. This merely means that I am attracted to children 10 through 18 and ATTRACTED NOT WANTING TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM. Why's everyone automatically assume that all loves about sex? It makes me sick and quite frankly I wish that sex and pleasure organs never existed. There'd be no rape, no unwanted pregnancies, no pressure and no embarassment or discomfort of worrying about talking to your teenagers about sex. The list goes on and on. And thats all that love is these days to people. Don't people ever go on a fucking date or cuddle anymore? So, everyone wants to blow my head off because of my sexual orientation that will never be realized. I'll never be able to show a girl a good time and date them or get close to them non sexually, or even remotely admit that I'm attracted to them without being criticized or go through mental brainwashing from a counselor and have a needle shoved up my ass? Fuck that shit. I don't think I should go through brainwashing just because I was BORN that way. Yes, I'm sorry all sexual orientations happen that way. Homosexuals,Lesbians,Bi's,Girllovers boylovers,straight people..etc are born with a sexual orientation. Look it up. And then everyone assumes that you're attracted to ALL kids. Family members,every random little girl that walks down the street. Tell me, when you see a hot chick/dude on the sidewalk do you automatically want to have sex with him/her? Of course not. Same thing with me. Anyway 4 paragraphs and I'm only halfway done explaining why I'm considering ending my life. There's that, and then there's the fact that I'm 5' 11 and weigh over 300 pounds. I've struggled with weight since I was 10 years old. Preventive I know, I'm lazy and just adding that in. I'm very talented and skilled on computers. Sounds like a good thing right? WRONG. Who wants to sit in some cubicle for 19 hours a day being a software developer? Yes they do work 19 hours a day that isn't an exaggeration. Computer Programmers/Software developers get more overtime and have a higher divorce rate than any other job in Canada. Don't believe me look it up. I'm also constantly worrying about my sister (whom I love very much). Who my parents suspect is a pedophile because shes engaged to a 16 year old guy (shes 27 and yes 16 is the legal age of consent here in ontario) and there considering sending her away to a psych ward all because she loves a guy 11 years younger than her? It's legal so who in the hell cares? They love each other more than anything and knew each other since they were kids, Leave her the hell alone. She also has a 4 year old daughter (different father) who she can't hardly even afford to pay for because she spends her money so god damn foolishly. She's going to lose her house and everything you watch. So... what's the sense in living when everyone wants to stick a 12 gauge halfway up your ass? You're a lazy fatass who can't do anything right and you're doomed to a life as a computer programmer because that's the only thing you can see yourself doing? I'll never find love happiness or really.... anything. Just.... so much crap. I'm sorry if this sounds like pissing and moaning. I really don't want to kill myself i'm just trying to come up with reasons I can tell myself about why I should live when nobody in this society is going to listen to me or care. I can live without love but I can't live with keeping a secret from everybody and living a lie my whole life. And I would rather end my life than go see a counselor and spend the rest of my life in a nut house in a straight jacket all because this time and society thinks I'm perverted.