I don't relate to people or society

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Growing Pains, May 27, 2014.

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  1. Growing Pains

    Growing Pains Well-Known Member

    I post a lot these days. When you're isolated, you tend to turn to internet more. I'm learning. I'm not sure why I'm posting. Mostly, I just want to vent. And maybe... see if anyone else 'gets' this. My mom claims to, but I don't think she really does. Because she said that no one really knows intuitively how to act socially, they just pretend. But knowing to pretend is acting on intuition. I can't even pretend half the time.

    The thought struck me last night. See, for the past several months I have been talking to this guy whom I thought I could develop a relationship with. He was a pretty stand up guy, I guess. He stated that he was 'falling in love' with me, though, and I kind of... pushed aside after that. Because love is a strange concept in my mind. I love my dog, I love my mom, I love my nephews, and my nieces. That's it. Anyway. The past week, after I came out to him about my gender identity and he stated he loved me as a girl, and couldn't be with someone who was trans.. we pretty much decided it wouldn't go anywhere. Cool, okay. What made me stop and realize I have struggled with relating to people was his reply to my replies. You could at least pretend to care. Wait, what? It caught me off guard. I didn't realize I was coming off as flippant. But that's the word he used to describe me. Flippant.

    When I was actively restricting, I was a different person. I became clingy and codependent and I began to think of myself as that person. Which tricked me into thinking I had warm feelings toward people, and just couldn't socialize right. 'Avoidant'. Now, I'm doubting it. Because I remember that I've always been like this. Flippant. Or tactless. Or indifferent. I remember my mom telling me two years ago that she didn't like hugging me because I seem 'cold'.

    Flippant. So, I'm flippant. But what does that even mean? I'm not sure. I often find myself staring at arms, or staring past a person, or staring at my shoes. My therapist thought this was a result of my avoidant. Really, it's because faces confuse me. I told him that I just wing social situations. That I spend most of them waiting for cues that I may or may not catch. And it's true. Maybe this is a result of 'avoidant'. I don't know. What I do know is that I get frustrated by feeling as though I'm not... a part of society. I mostly want to know if anyone can relate... I'm not sure. I try to talk to people, and that's why I'm here (clearly), but every time I try to 'insert' myself into a support group or something, I fail. Because I don't fit in with the people with eating disorders, I don't fit in with other people with anxiety, I don't fit in with other people with depression, I don't fit in with people who are avoidant (I actually find, more and more, I don't 'get' them at all). I just struggle with the fitting in thing. And people tell me it's just part of depression. Except, I don't say it in a melancholic way. It is merely stating a fact. Whatever group I try to insert myself into, I grow callous and indifferent toward. I don't know.

    Anyone know how to... fake it? lol
     
  2. SmolderingIce

    SmolderingIce Well-Known Member

    First off, I'm sorry you had to go through that situation with that guy. I'm glad you were able to find some light of information from it.

    Secondly, I feel remarkably the same way. I don't quite have anxiety, or OCD, or a complete bipolar nature. I don't feel like I quite belong anywhere. I'm currently attempting college, but I can't even decide on a major because every time I change to a new major, I realize I don't fit in there. Also, my conversations with others have to be kept short, otherwise I say something weird that I find mildly amusing and the conversation goes sour.

    I'm trying something where I don't fake anything. I'm not trying to fit in. I believe that there are others like us out there, and the only way to find them is to be ourselves (in all of our awkward, flippant glory) and hope that we find the people we belong with. They must exist. And they will find us if we show them we're out here, too. This is just a theory though. In the past week of doing it, I've found that it's extremely hard to just be myself after faking it for so long.

    Best,

    Abbey
     
  3. Growing Pains

    Growing Pains Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure what I went through with him bothered me much. That's the weird thing about it all. I miss something about it, but I don't miss him so much as having an outlet to vent to. That sounds horribly selfish. He and I did have a lot in common. Social disorders, recovering from similar addictions, depression... but even then, I just couldn't relate to him. I don't lack empathy. I've been accused of that in the past. I do empathise with people, it's more of an inability to understand the empathy rather than a lack thereof.

    It sounds like you get it more than my mother. My conversations either end awkwardly and abruptly, involve me rambling, or involve me ignoring them while they speak. The few friends I have know me as either the one who doesn't shut up about dogs, or the one who only speaks when they have something witty to say. 'Pearls of wisom' they call it. Either way, I feel like I never get anything from the interaction. It's like pulling teeth. I've heard people say relationships are all about give and take. For me, it's never been like that? If that makes sense.

    I'd be interested in seeing how the theory turns out. I've tried faking it, and I've tried not. In my case, the latter resulted in my inevitable social anxiety because it caused me to isolate. So, now I'm stuck with this anxiety that didn't exist prior to it, and the confusion anwhen I interact. It can be exhausting.
     
  4. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I always feel out of place with people and society. I understand but I don't feel the same or that I have anything in common with people. I can relate to the hugging part about your mom saying your cold, my family was never really affectionate so I feel akward giving hugs and affection to others, (except pets, for some reason I snuggle with my guinea pig fine)

    I recently went to an old friend's home, a friend whom I'd lost touch three years ago, and while I was in her home, I found myself wondering what I was doing there. Because we have nothing in common, aside from our past. And I feel like that with a lot of people, which is part of my problem getting a boyfriend, because I don't know how to act at all and I can't read the signs either, so I appear naive and clueless, and cold.

    I think nowadays we want everything fast, we want to sleep with our date on the first date, we want to move in right away etc...it's too fast for me...I need time to get to know the person, I need to really connect with the person too...
     
  5. Growing Pains

    Growing Pains Well-Known Member

    Your second paragraph especially struck something in me... I can't say I relate 100%, but I think I get some of it, yes. My family has never been very affectionate, either. Barring toward my mom. My sisters and my brother fawn over her, and she them. I can't even be affectionate toward her, though.

    But I find myself doing that a lot. Just sitting idly by, wondering what am I even doing? I can't pinpoint what in me is different, just that something is. And as my psychiatrist said, I've been told so for all my life, which has made me believe it. There's some strange twist in all this. Because now that I state it, everyone says it's in my head. Yet, for years, I didn't believe it - but everyone told me so. So, it's only true if you don't see it? I feel like that's how the mental field treats social disorders. It's only truth if other people say it, not the person. :uncomfortableness:

    It's all too fast for me to. Or not even what I want. The more I think, the more I realize I don't want that stuff. I have felt lonely the past year, but I don't want a relationship or anything like that. I've realized I'd be happy with a roommate. Even a nonsexual romantic relationship (which seems neigh impossible to find). Because I've never connected with anyone. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that. And in some ways, I'm okay with that, I think. A platonic relationship sounds far more appealing. But being unable to relate to anyone makes even that hard.
     
  6. ViolentGirl

    ViolentGirl Banned Member

    Suffering is seen as a disease in our society. When you're suffering, you're considered a Leper.

    I don't believe suffering is an illness. Nobody's walked in my shoes, so what right do they have to tell me that I don't have a reason to suffer severely? I don't have a chemical imbalance. I have pain. Bad things happen and a human being feels pain, there nothing abnormal about that.

    Yet, I can't tell people I'm suffering because it's seen as a weakness. Admitting suffering is the ultimate taboo in society. Nobody wants to discuss suffering.

    Once your suffering becomes so severe that you have no choice but to focus on it constantly, you have to accept that you have become too different to be a part of society anymore.

    In general, I hate the average person, and I'd like to see them die just as much as they'd like to see me do the same.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 29, 2014
  7. Growing Pains

    Growing Pains Well-Known Member

    Suffering really does make you a leper to people...

    Funny thing is, people pretend they care until they find out someone actually is suffering. All these 'awareness' days and months for anorexia, depression, autism, anxiety, etc, etc, freaking etc. These same people I see posting these pictures saying they'd stay up to talk a friend out of suicide, are the ones who log off the fastest when I am suicidal. I guess this is what my mom meant about pretending. In some ways - because I've been on the outside looking in so long - I've become bitter toward society. It seems most of them only pretend to care when it's convenient. When they know people are watching. And I find myself thinking. I have trouble caring, but at least I don't pretend to.

    For me, the not relating predates the suffering. Even as a kid, I was called awkward, weird. I was treated like a leper. I remember one guy I'd spoken to in middle school later telling me he always thought I was retarded. He was genuinely surprised that I was actually the exact opposite where IQ/intelligence is concerned. But he said because of how I behave socially, he literally thought I suffered mental retardation. At that point in my life, I was like. Screw it.

    And now, I'm even more different. Because of the suffering. It's a viscous circle.

    If I'm to be perfectly honest, I often hate most of society myself. Not the average person, so much as society as a collective whole.
     
  8. ViolentGirl

    ViolentGirl Banned Member

    People think the suicidal person wants something from them, and considers them an annoying burden. I don't want sympathy, I just want to be allowed to suffer with dignity. When people say to me "You look down, what's wrong?" I want to be able to say "I'm suffering", without the other person automatically assuming that means I'm ill. I want to be allowed to admit I suffer, without it being seeing as an odd thing to admit.

    What an asshole!

    I don't sleep a lot these days, and the suffering is so intense that it's downright impossible to concentrate on anything else. A lot of times when I'm talking to someone, I know I must sound weird or just plain dumb and it kills me. Suffering is, by it's own definition, the worse sensation a person can have. I don't know why they call it "emotional" because it feels physically painful to me.
     
  9. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    it feels good to connect with someone but it's so rare for me, I'm used to being a loner, but at the same time I'm tired of it. It's like I feel opposite feelings at the same time.

    Even as a kid I liked to play alone. But I think I've been so alone that the thought of finding someone to connect to and have that taking away is a scary thought, so I prefer to be alone. I've tried to open to people, but it's like I've done too much and they run as far away as they can. i mean I'm not a monster, why is it so hard to find ONE friend. I'm not asking for a crew, I'm asking for ONE person...
     
  10. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    I doubt I'll ever develop any new close friends again. It takes a lot of time, spent being involved in someone's life, and I don't live in a setting where anyone makes such investments. But I guess that's what makes good friends so precious.

    The "fitting in" issue is sometimes just being too different. I can remember when transgender people did not exist. Not just that it wasn't acceptable, but that it didn't exist. There were "Queens and Tomcats," that was all, and it wasn't seen as an identity phenomenon, but simply as a behavior choice. The word "transgender" hadn't been coined yet, and I never knew it existed until after the millenial year, when I was in my 40s. Of course, the "Queens and Tomcats" model was extremely limited--something the "awareness" campaigning did rectify to some degree, even if there are now so many human categories in the rink we get sick of the special months.

    Taking transgender as example, I admit I don't care about it much one way or the other--see, there's my callousness. I feel allright that I don't actively hate such persons or approve of persecution.

    I think it's okay to be callous, as long it's not overdone to the point of hate or of reckless disregard. Indifference is a defense, a shell that protects me against the overwhelming problems infecting our planet. It's just impossible to care about everyone.

    But both of you are right on--our society accepts negative emotions even less than it accepts human diversity. People are allowed to feel down at times, but only for three days...then you "chipper up" and get back to "normal." Or people start ignoring you.

    And yes, people think I'm retarded, too, because of the way my speaking voice sounds.
     
    Last edited: May 30, 2014
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