I don't remember details

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by alisamamos12, Dec 3, 2014.

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  1. alisamamos12

    alisamamos12 New Member

    I have had this strange thought for quite a while that I was somehow sexually abused when I was little, but lately I've found some things about myself that I didn't know were actual signs of abuse.

    I don't remember any details of this happening to me, but I also don't have any memories from before I was five years old. My husband is deployed at the moment so I got a vibrator to keep from getting "lonely" while he's gone. I've used it a few times, but each time I've gotten very very tense, every muscle in my body gets tight to the point of hurting, and I basically had a panic attack.
    I also found out that a certain habbit I had when I was little was technically masturbating. I remember doing this as early as 5 years old.
    I also have a disorder called trichotillomania. Basically I compulsivly pull out my hair. It started when I was 11 because I got bells palsy from a tick bite. Since the trauma was to my face, I only pulled from my eyebrows and eyelashes. But at some point I started to pull from "down there". I remember my therapist saying that generally when people pull from "down there" they had some type of sexual abuse in their past. I didn't think anything of it, because I don't have any solid memories, just this feeling.
    Another thing was that I had a reoccuring nightmare when I was little that in the end I was raped. I have a pretty crazy imagination, but I never told anyone about the last part of the dream.
    The last thing is, when I have water near my face, I feel like I'm being choked. I can remember having this feeling ever since I was very young. As a teenager/adult I have tried to do research on why I had these feelings of being choked but the only cause I have ever found is sexual abuse.

    I know that my mother was sexually abused as a child by a member of her family but I never knew who. Its possible that it was my grandpa because he was a drunk and physically abusive. He and my grandma had a terrible relationship but they stayed married until I was 3 or 4. When he died a few years ago, my mom and grandma asked me quiet a few times how I felt about it. I always just said that I didn't remember him so I didn't care. But I never heard them ask my brothers how they felt about it.

    I also know that one of my friends was mollested when she was very young and since she doesn't remember anything her parents never said anything to her about it.

    I just want to get a few outside opinions. I don't really want to ask my mom if anything happened because I don't want to bring up any bad memories for her. She has always been very (in my opinion) paranoid about the subject. I'm wondering if these feelings are resurfacing now because I just got married and moved a few months ago. I have never moved before this so if something did happen to me, it happened in that house. Is it possible that something happened or am I being paranoid?
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome to the forums,

    This must be quite frightening to endure. Some experts say there is no such thing as (whatever the proper term for this is) but I know a girl we will call her G in real life. G had a baby and when that baby was 3 years old, she bought her a little tricycle, then memories came back to her of her uncle doing things to her sexually when she was very young. She kept to to herself for a while until she found out he was accused of molestation of another young girl. She informed the authorities but she didn't want to pursue a case so I strongly believe this does and can happen.

    Regarding the choking there is a name for that which I believe is auto erotica (sp?) I have NO idea anything about it only other than the name as I'd only came across it when it get's mixed up for suicide but all these different things are adding up. We could be adding 1 and 1 and getting 2 or 1 and 1 and getting 200. Whatever it is I do hope you can move forward with your life in a healthy way.

    It must be very distressing not knowing if it happened, where, or by who. It must be a nightmare literally a living nightmare, your therapist could be spot on about the hair issues. Honestly, I can't even imagine how that would feel. If it were me I'd be asking my mum etc.... but I may only be saying that because I was abused by a man when I was 12, old enough to remember obviously. So really this should be YOUR decision and yours only.

    I wish you the very best of luck with whatever you choose to do, know you are not alone in this.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 4, 2014
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    While it must be distressing for your friend, maybe the mind blocks traumatic events itself as a coping mechanism or she was really just too young to remember either way give your friend a hug, she is not alone in this either and I'm sorry this happened. :hug:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 4, 2014
  4. alisamamos12

    alisamamos12 New Member

    Thankyou to both of you, and my friend doesn't know anything about what happened
     
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You're welcome hun and the two replies were by me just in case you are confused! It could be for the best that your friend does not remember what happened, I'm sure it may have saved her having to deal with even worse post traumatic stress disorder, we are always here for you. Talk to us anytime!! :hug:
     
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