I have had this strange thought for quite a while that I was somehow sexually abused when I was little, but lately I've found some things about myself that I didn't know were actual signs of abuse. I don't remember any details of this happening to me, but I also don't have any memories from before I was five years old. My husband is deployed at the moment so I got a vibrator to keep from getting "lonely" while he's gone. I've used it a few times, but each time I've gotten very very tense, every muscle in my body gets tight to the point of hurting, and I basically had a panic attack. I also found out that a certain habbit I had when I was little was technically masturbating. I remember doing this as early as 5 years old. I also have a disorder called trichotillomania. Basically I compulsivly pull out my hair. It started when I was 11 because I got bells palsy from a tick bite. Since the trauma was to my face, I only pulled from my eyebrows and eyelashes. But at some point I started to pull from "down there". I remember my therapist saying that generally when people pull from "down there" they had some type of sexual abuse in their past. I didn't think anything of it, because I don't have any solid memories, just this feeling. Another thing was that I had a reoccuring nightmare when I was little that in the end I was raped. I have a pretty crazy imagination, but I never told anyone about the last part of the dream. The last thing is, when I have water near my face, I feel like I'm being choked. I can remember having this feeling ever since I was very young. As a teenager/adult I have tried to do research on why I had these feelings of being choked but the only cause I have ever found is sexual abuse. I know that my mother was sexually abused as a child by a member of her family but I never knew who. Its possible that it was my grandpa because he was a drunk and physically abusive. He and my grandma had a terrible relationship but they stayed married until I was 3 or 4. When he died a few years ago, my mom and grandma asked me quiet a few times how I felt about it. I always just said that I didn't remember him so I didn't care. But I never heard them ask my brothers how they felt about it. I also know that one of my friends was mollested when she was very young and since she doesn't remember anything her parents never said anything to her about it. I just want to get a few outside opinions. I don't really want to ask my mom if anything happened because I don't want to bring up any bad memories for her. She has always been very (in my opinion) paranoid about the subject. I'm wondering if these feelings are resurfacing now because I just got married and moved a few months ago. I have never moved before this so if something did happen to me, it happened in that house. Is it possible that something happened or am I being paranoid?