I don't see the point anymore....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by emma_x, Dec 1, 2010.

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  1. emma_x

    emma_x Member

    Hi all,
    I'm new here so I hope I don't say anything wrong..
    I just need to get a few things off my chest.

    Okay well; I'm 18 years old, I dropped out of sixth form yet I got into an Arts School for a Foundation Degree. I was bullied when I started my secondary school. I was raped when I was 14 - not going into details.
    I had attempted suicide when I was 15, then again when I was 16. Both times a small part of me didn't want to die and I was afraid.
    When I was 16 I started making friends and I became close friends with a guy who I could open up to in small ways. I was friends with him for over 6 months and then despite complications we started dating. With him I forgot my horrible fearful past, I forgot my disbelief in love and everything that heald me back in previous relationships.
    Slowly we built up a very strong trust and became phisically involved, he said he'd never leave me and all he cared about was making me happy. I was off my anti depressents. I left all my fear behind and I could smile and feel. I didn't need to complain all the time or hurt myself. He was sensitive and I could trust him with my life and I'd happily give it away if he needed me to.
    I went through difficultys with subjects at school (during my AS Levels) and I decided I needed to move closer to him and do what I always loved - Art. I lost some friends but I didn't mind too much. I achieved all the things I had wanted. I was on top of the world.
    I moved nearer and I made better friends and friends at art school. He visited me often, he slept over 1 - 2 times a week and we would be so close. Everything was perfect.
    At the moment he is working on getting into a university and he is working very hard. He became very stressed in the last 2 weeks. He said he needed to talk to me and out of no where he asked if we could be friends for a while... He said he didn't know how long, I asked if his feeling had changed and he wouldn't answer.
    The next day I went to see him and we planned (well it was all my ideas) that we could be on a break for 3-4 months until we finish exams and such. We arranged that we'd meet once every 2 weeks.
    Since this I haven't been able to stop crying, every train I take and every where I go I cry publicly. The night he told me all I could think of was suicide and different methods. I know if he decided to break it off or moved on to someone else I would not see any reason to live. Everything I do is around him, every day is around him.
    I literally don't see a life without him.

    Please don't tell me hes not everything, he is. Please - if anyone knows what I can do to help him and therefore help myself - please tell me.

    Thank you.
  2. A1231988

    A1231988 Well-Known Member

    I'm very similar to you in that I have experience with becoming so attached to a significant other that they become a necessity for my happiness. The only advice I can really give is to work on being more happy with yourself, instead of relying on somebody else. I'm not saying this is the case for you, but I have had a relationship end in the past because my significant other felt too smothered by how much I cared about them. It can become too much after a while for people. It's not healthy to need somebody like that.

    The reality of relationships (especially when you're young) is that most of them don't work out. You need to seek help, and learn to love yourself as well as somebody else. I wish you the best. Believe me I know how this feels, and that that person is everything to you, I know. You need to find your own strength, though. There is a possibility that that could save your relationship with him, and if not, it will at least make your future relationships a lot more healthy. Best of luck, and I do hope things work out between you two.
  3. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Hi Emma,

    My advice would be to let him know how you feel, and to give as much space as you feel able to do. Do not try to do things that are too hard when you're emotionally fragile like this.

    Secondly I'd ask have you spoken to anyone else be it friends, family or whoever about how you're feeling? Also do you feel that the issue of being raped is resolved - I'm no expert but I'd think that until you've dealt with that, and found ways to cope with an unimaginably traumatic experience you may well have insecurities and reactions such as these?

    Hope that's helpful, feel free to PM me,
    Much love
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    you may want to go back on anti-depressants and maybe get therapy.

    do you know why he became stressed in the last two weeks?

    was there anything that might explain why he would want to spend some time apart?

    so you're on a break now, but not separated.

    doing your best to get better and become more stable is one of the best things you can do to try to get your relationship back together.
  5. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Hi Emma,
    Welcome to the forum.
    I can totally understand where you're coming from but you need to take a step back for a moment.
    You say that your BF became very stressed and that he's working towards getting into Uni. You must know how stressful A Levels and getting a place at Uni can be. Added to which, even if you do get into Uni, you're facing massive debt and students these days are having to work out whether or not it's worth going at all. All of those things are going on in your BF's life. Are you surprised he needs to place a bit of distance in his relationships at the moment? He's depending on you to understand that need and give him the space.
    I know that it's a hard thing to do but sometimes giving someone space is how you give them support. He's been there for you so now you need to step up to the plate and be there for him.
    I don't know what will happen afterwards but I can guarantee that if you don't give him the space then you'll definitely split up. Tell him that you understand and that he's not to feel bad about asking for space. He doesn't need a guilt trip on top of everything else.
    Now! Whilst you're giving him space, you need to concentrate on yourself. You definitely have to seek help for the rape. You might still be suffering from the Post Traumatic Stress and that will influence how you react to things.
    You should also talk to your doctor about going back on the meds.
    Finally, you need to educate yourself about the connection between creativity and mental health problems. There is a lot of evidence to show the two are connected and if that is true in your case, then you need to know as much about the subject as you possibly can so that you can fight it. Knowledge is power.
    Sending hugs xxx
  6. emma_x

    emma_x Member

    Thank you everyone for the replies, I've read them all very carefully and I am taking in the advice. I feel a lot better with aims in mind. I will probably go back on the pills and I will try and give him distance to the best of my ability.
    My recent problem is that I've stopped eating.. I think I'd better bring these things up when I see my doctor. I feel better thinking if I give him space I can hopefully go back to him. I'm still feeling the same about certian things.
    I think I will go back to therapy, but I don't know if I'm ready to dig up all those awful memories at this time. I will ask my doctor for advice on this.
    Thank you so much all!
  7. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Hi Emma I'm sorry things are so difficult for you at the moment. I had a lot of rocky times with my boyfriend due to diffferent stressors and as has been said already sometimes all you both need is a little bit of space and you soon realise why you are both together again and why you are so close. You must put your health as number one priority so big weldone for going back on the tablets, if your opinion on tablets is anything like mine this would not have been an easy decision to make so weldone for makin most healthy choice. Do you have a drs app fairly soon where you can talk through your worries and concerns about yourself? if talking is difficult try writing things down. Sorry if i'm not much help or sound crap, if theres anything i can do even if you just want to talk pm me anytime x stay strong xx
  8. All these mixed emotions

    All these mixed emotions Well-Known Member

    well he may be everything, but not a reason for suicide!!

    If there is a sex issue maybe you can do something with that, fancy blowjob, anal etc.. thats like the biggest weakness for guys hehe

    Also if you can love him, then you can love someone else, your young, still plenty stuff to learn

    Love is painful, that's true
    But not to love is painful to
    And still there is a greater pain
    To love and not to be loved again


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