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i dont see the point...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by famous.last.words, May 9, 2008.

  1. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    well. i got an emergency appointment today.
    I was sick of the doctor fobbing me off, saying to go get help at my Uni. Screw that. uni is hard enough as it is without all that.

    I dont want to go. there is no point anyway. Ill do what i always do, ill bottle it. ill go in and smile and laugh at what she says and ill play everything down and there are somethings i can never ever say anyway.

    And what if it came out? i would lose my job (which is my whole life, it keeps me going) and if my family knew i was cutting again and shit they would disown me all over again. they think i have been better for years. Ive just got better at hiding it.

    I dont know how to eloquent myself and its driving me fucking mad. i just want to show you how much it hurts. i dont want attention, i dont want a reputation, i just want to not hurt anymore.

    Im so fucking tired. so fucking sick.of.it.

    i dont want to be this girl anymore. i just want to forget it all and move on.
  2. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    i want it to go away
    i want to sleep forever.

    just let me sleep.

    not like anyone gives a shit anyway.
  3. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    :hug: :hug: :hug:

    I don't know you well or anything but if you want to talk, I'm here. And for what it's worth, I care. I give a shit. :tongue: I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now. :(
  4. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    talking does help hun, especaially with someone you trust.
    keep all this bottled inside will only make things darker, will make it harder to see hope.
    i understand the need to self harm but at the end of the day that is only a temporary relief, having support around you is a greater benefit.

    dont bottle things, if you have the chance to talk to someone, anyone, tell them like it is or you just wont get the right help.

    stay safe
  5. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    Thank you so much to you both for your replies.

    I think i understand i need to talk, but im so afraid. i dont know what will happen and i feel im falling apart already and its only the beginning. Its making me want to run away and just hide.

    But i hope with support like this i will continue. thank you.
  6. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    no need to feel afraid or ashamed of the need to talk for help, when i 1st went to docs i broken down at reception, got seen straight away, telling people may seem a big deal but it does help, it lessens the burden a bit plus it gives you an avenue to release the pressure

    think about it
  7. kenny

    kenny Well-Known Member

    It's ok. you need to do this at your own pace hun. I know how you're feeling and it will take time.

    If you hide, I'll come and find you. You have lots of support. we're all here for you hun.
  8. ScouseJM

    ScouseJM Well-Known Member

    im with :kenny: there hun.

    the support you have shown me has been amazing, and not only for that reason i will be there for you for as long as im around.

    i understand so well about not bein ble to tell the real things, the things that you feel are worst, in fact i understand so well i cant even tell you, because theres things that no one here knows, and if you knew.. well, i dont know. not meaning to talk about myself here, just wantin to let you know youre not alone with this experience and feeling.

    im always here to listen hun, to whatever it is. i wont judge, i wont share it with anyone. just so u know, whenever ur ready, im here :hug:
  9. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    Thank you

    And dont worry, i know what you are trying to say even though i dont understand the content. If people knew the whole truth about me. what i really am. it would all be over. it would literally be the end of everything. myself included. but the offer is so appreciated hun, and it really applies to you too. nothing you could say to me would make me hate you.

    My mum really put the boot in by randomly deciding she wants nothing to do with me anymore. I just literally sitting at the PC working, and i get abusive text after text about how i have "chosen" my boyfriend over her, and how she hates me and never wants to see me again. She said i will never see my little brother or sisters either. I tried to talk to the elder one on MSN but she wouldnt reply. she just put "whatever" and blocked me.

    And my little hero daniel had a football presentation today but my bitch mum didnt tell me about it and she said she told him it was because i hated him. she told my 6 year old little angel boy that i hated him.

    She is fucking mad. she is pure bitch.

    All because my boyfriend wanted to join in paying for my 21st birthday gift.

    Some birthday it would be now anyway.
    hopefully i wont be here for it.
  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Your mom will regret her choice someday. I don't know what her line of thinking is, but I am sad to hear she has chosen to not only make that decision forr herself, but that of your siblings as well. Don't give up on things based on her behavior. Try to make a life for yourself and don't exclude your siblings. they may choose to contact you after things have settled a little. :hug:
  11. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    thank you.
    I hope so much that they do. i havent seen my dads son in 6 years because they moved away (long story) and i miss him everyday. i wouldnt want to carry on without them, they are little angels.

    I promise i will never give up on them whilst i am still alive.
  12. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I hope you have decided to talk to someone about how your feeling. I have a appointment with a new doctor next week and a visit scheduled with my new therapist the start of next month. I have decided that Im going to tell my new doctor the truth and Im not going to concern myself with what bad could happen as a result of it..I understand that Im at my wits end with my situation right now and I need help getting past it and getting on with my life. If medication and therapy will help me reach those two goals them Im all for it at this time. I realize that if I dont tell my doctor the truth then she cant help me fix it.. I need to get my life on track, get rid of the problems that are making me even more miserable, and once that is done I need to move past it.. Good luck to you.. Hope it works out okay for you.
  13. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    that is very brave and i wish you so much luck and support
    you are on the path to things getting better, well done :)
  14. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    why is today just beginning and not about to end?
    I hate the daytime.
    Tomorrow will be shit, but at least ill of got another one of lifes failures out the way.
    Then i can get my birthday out the way, and all the shit that will bring.

    or. i could stop.it.all.
    right now.
    i could take it all away.

    why am i bothering???

    Its all for him. Im alone in this world now except for him.
    His dad killed himself. I promised him i would survive for him.
    but it will be setting him free
    he has friends, he has family.
    i could set him free.
    i could set him free today.
  15. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Please dont take this the wrong way. I dont want to sound like I judging you or anything else like that. I dont know anything about your life or your situation so I maybe putting my nose where it doesnt belong and giving you unwated advice..But.. You shouldnt do anything you dont want to do just to please someone else. No, Im not saying that you should end your life. Im just saying that you need to do something for yourself - make yourself happy.. There are many roads to happiness - you just have to take one...

    (Yeah Yeah..I should take my own advice)....
  16. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    thank you for your advice, i dont think you are doing anything negative at all, i apreaciate it.
    but i think i stopped living for me a long time ago.
  17. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    be brave and be strong hun.

    you have so much to give to yourself, so much to let others see

    i'm with you all the way in spirit

    be safe
  18. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    you are so kind.
    thank you so very much
  19. ScouseJM

    ScouseJM Well-Known Member

    i know where you're at hun. im not sure i ever began living for myself. i might have, at one point, but then.. oh well, its not my place. you're a wonderful person, im always here for you. let me know how the exam went :hug:
  20. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    well i think its about time you started living for yourself.

    no one stops living, our idea of our own life changes is all, there is so much to achieve for you, i'm sure your bf would agree.

    like i said, i am here if you need to abuse someone, scream , shout ec etc

    be safe