I'm tired of not being in control over my life. CTP (http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=101858) has destroyed my life. The more I look on the Internet I try to get hope, but run into more worries. Many of the procedures have side-effects which can include having MORE PAIN. I just wish they would amputate my testicles. It seems to me if they aren't there and the nerves are gone then it can't hurt anymore. But NO, he said they wouldn't do that. Basically the doctors are torturing me. They are prolonging my suffering and I want OUT of this HELL. I can't hardly work and my family sees me as a burden. Everyone thinks this is something that can be managed, when in reality they are WRONG. Anyone who says I should live with this should have to go through it too! Let them find out how horrible it is and then they'll change their mind!!! I'm just going to have to take control over my life by ending it. Then I WILL be in control and the PAIN WON'T. I AM SICK AND FUCKING TIRED of this and after living this for 2 YEARS it doesn't seem drastic to me. I've read around the net people living with this for a decade or more. NOT ME! NOT ME! I REFUSE TO BE PUT THROUGH THIS MISERY ANY LONGER. These medical professionals are just EVIL. The last time I was in the psych ward I was prescribed Risperidone, which is used to treat schizophrenia. What the hell???? I don't have that. THEY JUST TOTALLY BLOW ME OFF AND DISREGARD ME AND WHAT I'M TELLING THEM. Ending your life because no one will cure your chronic pain is NOT a "mood disorder" (http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=102407) These people treat us like garbage and then wonder why are self-esteem is so low. My whole life and future is gone. I wish it didn't have to be this way, but if I don't love myself enough to end my suffering then who will? These doctors just charge obscene amounts of money to do NOTHING, and I am so afraid to return to work because of the pain. I'd rather die and I'm tired of being a burden on my family. My life is worthless, and the doctors have only reinforced this belief. No one will do anything and I'm tired.