I don't seem to fit in anywhere, maybe not even here

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by JRC2004, Mar 18, 2007.

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  1. JRC2004

    JRC2004 Well-Known Member

    Well I discovered this forum back in 2004 and have been backwards and forwards ever since. I have period of darkness, periods of grey and periods of light in that descending order. I'm 32 now and 'survived' a suicide attempt when I was 20. It wasn't a cry for help - I wanted to get out. I didn't plan to be found. To this day there is still no explanation to why I was found - was it just a fluke, was it fate. At the time it did feel like there was nothing worth living for....I have not yet found anything, but I am still here, 12 years on and counting. I read some of the posts on here and it saddens me the extent to which peoples lives have gotten so bad and I think where am I on that scale. Life has not necessarily dealt me hard blows, more constant, struggling to get through the daily grind. Always questioning the reason for going on and living. I know life could have been much worse and then I would have no excuses. I don't even know where I am on the depression scale, am I clinically depressed, manically depressed, plain old depressed or what. I can't pinpoit what it is that makes me feel this way, so it's impossible to tryand explain it to someone. People claim thay want to listen, but when it comes down to it everyone's too busy or doesn't 'really' care. I've tried counselling on several occasions, but for me it has always failed. It's a painful process building up the trust with a counsellor and when it comes to nothing it is very draining. Part of it being my fault. I go with an open mind and a willingness to talk, but I know they are not there to provide the answers. In the back of my mind I am sure I will leave this life of my own accord, this is in the back of my mind all the time so there is always the constant struggle and guilt during counselling that I am not being totally open with them. I've gone through courses of anti-depressants and felt the higs and lows of them. Mostly stopped taking them because the side-effects made me feel even lower. I have a stack of them here - just in case I feel the need to go back on them.

    Last year I made a life changing decision - I dropped out of the rat-race, stopped being a number in teh corporate machine and I have moved to another country. I'm here, it's sunny, the wine is good and cheap. Outside, for people looking in my life must look pretty peachy, but if only they knew a small percentage of the constant struggle going on inside, of what I am really feeling. I've got a pretty cushy 'quick-fix' here, but people are always asking me about my long term plans. People think I am lucky to be where I am, well it is not a case of luc, it is hard work and sacrifice that got me here. Perhaps I never had enough me-fun, it was always someone elses night, someone elses party, I was just the social-invite. I've spent the last 18 months cutting ties with people and distancing myself from friends. During this time I have on several occasions started the 'countdown timer'. It drains me to have to think about anything. i'd like to absolve myself of all responsibility and just exist. Is it possible to truly drop out of society?Truth is I don't have any long term plans. I have always been, on the surface, the mature one, the planner, the joker, the outgoing, the party animal.... I can quite honestly say at least 24 of my years have been an act. And a very good act, for I am where I am today. i have kept on going.

    I mentioned earlier the countdown timer..... does the following make any sense to anyone: my countdown timer is the timer of me ending my life. But, as I have tried to explain this to counsellors, suicide is not something I would do overnight. It is already planned out, so as to cause the minimum hurt to others and the maximum enjoyment to myself. I don't 'hate' life as such, I just don't want to be here. Therefore when my timer begins I will just party out my life. Literally living to excess and enjoying the time I have left. Spending every penny I have worked so hard for, the same work that made up the reasons for me going. I'm not going to go out in a flash, it will be a long process. It doesn't sadden me to think of it like this, I am quite a sane and reasoning person (I think). There will be those that will say that in that state I am sure to find something that will make me want to live. I am not so sure for I know the things that made me unhappy will always be here and will always be growing.

    The darkness comes and goes. The darkenss is here again, it feels like a big storm cloud is passing over me.

    I can't say I and don't know if I need therapy, I can't say and I don't know if I need medication.

    Am I rambling.....am I making any sense to anyone reasding this? Does anyone feel the same? Lost, in nothingness. I think that is the best description.:sad:

    I can't be alone in this limbo...who else is here?
  2. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I feel like that sometimes. I've had severe depression for years... if you'd like a friend or to talk about anytime you are more than welcome to PM me or message me on MSN. :) :hug:
  3. Guy Incognito XI

    Guy Incognito XI Well-Known Member

    hi i do actually
  4. Guy Incognito XI

    Guy Incognito XI Well-Known Member

    I read the whole post. People will give the cliches that they understand your story blah blah, and maybe they do, but for the first time I really feel that YOU can identify with me as I can identify with you. When I was reading your story I was just nodding my head as if I myself had written what you wrote some ten years in the future.

    Like you I can get along with people and I could get a great job and stuff, but I am just really tired of life. I think the problem is like you maybe I have just never really fitted in with anyone or any group.

    I'm at a very good uni with plenty of opportunities, but I plan to commit suicide after I graduate. The strange thing is I will work very hard before I graduate and then just kill myself. It seems crazy to everyone not that I have told anyone. <Mod Edit:Jodi>. I always think if I had killed myself 5 years ago would I have missed anything? No. I compare the happy moments to the struggle and misery and logic says it would be better to call it a day.

    Nothing will ever change, because I am the problem. It doesn't matter where I am (Spain or UK) or who I am with, the problem is that I will always be there.

    It is true suicide can be a rational and reasoned decision.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 18, 2007
  5. JRC2004

    JRC2004 Well-Known Member

    Hey there you two...thanks for the replies. Good to know people are listening. A question that just popped into my head as i was messaging someone?

    What makes me so different from everyone else? Those who lead a life of blind-acceptance of how things should be. Those who follow what society says is 'life's map' without question. I am questioning that, that forms a basis of my 'dark' times. Is questioning life and reality only ever going to lead towards an end?
  6. Guy Incognito XI

    Guy Incognito XI Well-Known Member

    I am under moderation (rightly so I hasten to add) but it means I can't communicate with you at all. I have already tried to post one large response. All I want to say is you are me and I am you. I can't believe how similar your outlook is to mine. An outlook based on logic and reason. I really wish now I hadn't behaved badly on this forum before.
  7. JRC2004

    JRC2004 Well-Known Member

    Hey man, we all go through 'bad' times where things could have gone better. Don't dwell on them though. Ride it out and stay here and in touch. If we similar people I'd like to get the chance to chat with you. It's nice not to feel alone.
  8. darkcloud

    darkcloud Member

    I feel the same, its not that I completely hate life its just that life is a major disapointment and I no longer want to be here. If I was hit by a car tomorrow and died, the battle for my miserable life will be over.

    Maybe there is another universe? I'd try there and then if thats crap....
  9. JRC2004

    JRC2004 Well-Known Member

    Yeah...the disappointment factor that's it for me. Just had a couple of days where there seemd something went wrong with everything that happened. What's that all about?! It's not like anything major happened, but just enough to be continually pushing me down. Now if you tell anyone (ie outside of here) about the events singularly they are like 'well that's not bad, what are you so down about'. However, if you could list all the things and try and explain the constant struggle, they kind of back off....or run a mile. So we are just left to our own devices...and back up goes the 'I'm ok world, don't worry about me' wall. I'm hoping that I am coming out from under that cloud. The sun is shining and I'm gonna go enjoy it and see if that brings me back up. Have been talking to a great guy and we were discussing the 'what happens after we've gone'....as in where do we go, an afterlife? etc, etc. I'd be quite happy to just cease to exist. my mind is defintely not closed to the idea that death is not hte end, but I can say I would like it to be for me. Just don't want to come back as a mosquito or a donkey! LOL
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