I don't really talk in real life. On the internets, i talk easily, but in real life, I don't talk to people mostly. I have something called selective mutism. Self diagnosed, but hey, its relatively new so they wouldn't understand it anyway. Anyway, I also have a less serious case of agoraphobia. I say less serious, because I CAN go outside. Unlike a few years ago, when I couldn't. If I went out, I felt like a bird would swoop me up, large that I am, that would have been a sight. (/joke) I feel better than I have in years, but still kind of bad. The good news is I realized how I viewed the world is all wrong. I thought that most people were like my family, and I am relieved to find out that its my family that are the cruel ones. I always thought I was just an idiot because I couldn't see what they see. Now I know that they are seeing things that aren't there, seeing people as evil or otherwise hate-able when they really aren't. I've been through so much trauma, and sick for so many years. But I just thought I was lazy, and I felt so ashamed about it. It seems impossible that I thought I was lazy, when I was actually exhausted and ill. My family acts like I am living it up, going out to parties or something, (they are so resentful and hateful and degrading) but most of the time I slept. (and yes i go out maybe 2 a month, to the store, if that much.) I feel like I've slept for 10 years. And, aside from old trauma etc, I was until very recently involved in a very cult like forum. So, the people who i thought were my (distant) friends, weren't even that much. And I think one of them has been collecting my personal information, private stuff emailing with her, for what reason really? I don't know. Anyway, I do think I may be a little paranoid, but thats not the point. she stopped communicating after I left the forum after she initiated all this conversation with me where I foolishly gave personal private embarrassing detail. (sadly I thought I'd made a friend) The point is that a few years ago, I was more truly suicidal. Now, not so much, although my whole world is kind of changing with me realizing that I am not the "bad one". I just don't know how I can be this old and have so little life experience. I hope as my energy rises, I can actually get a job. I've had really like one job, due to anxiety and exhaustion. and now that I'm older I really just wonder whats next. how am I going to live, now that I'm healthier and awake, how am I going to get away from these people? I'm still anxious. Not as sick and exhausted, (autoimmune but haven't really gone back to the doc, anxiety and lack of coverage) and feeling like really like I am super unusual. Any thoughts?