I don't talk in Real Life

I don't really talk in real life. On the internets, i talk easily, but in real life, I don't talk to people mostly. I have something called selective mutism. Self diagnosed, but hey, its relatively new so they wouldn't understand it anyway.

Anyway, I also have a less serious case of agoraphobia. I say less serious, because I CAN go outside. Unlike a few years ago, when I couldn't. If I went out, I felt like a bird would swoop me up, large that I am, that would have been a sight. (/joke)

I feel better than I have in years, but still kind of bad. The good news is I realized how I viewed the world is all wrong. I thought that most people were like my family, and I am relieved to find out that its my family that are the cruel ones. I always thought I was just an idiot because I couldn't see what they see. Now I know that they are seeing things that aren't there, seeing people as evil or otherwise hate-able when they really aren't.

I've been through so much trauma, and sick for so many years. But I just thought I was lazy, and I felt so ashamed about it. It seems impossible that I thought I was lazy, when I was actually exhausted and ill. My family acts like I am living it up, going out to parties or something, (they are so resentful and hateful and degrading) but most of the time I slept. (and yes i go out maybe 2 a month, to the store, if that much.) I feel like I've slept for 10 years.

And, aside from old trauma etc, I was until very recently involved in a very cult like forum. So, the people who i thought were my (distant) friends, weren't even that much. And I think one of them has been collecting my personal information, private stuff emailing with her, for what reason really? I don't know. Anyway, I do think I may be a little paranoid, but thats not the point. she stopped communicating after I left the forum after she initiated all this conversation with me where I foolishly gave personal private embarrassing detail. (sadly I thought I'd made a friend)

The point is that a few years ago, I was more truly suicidal. Now, not so much, although my whole world is kind of changing with me realizing that I am not the "bad one". I just don't know how I can be this old and have so little life experience. I hope as my energy rises, I can actually get a job. I've had really like one job, due to anxiety and exhaustion. and now that I'm older I really just wonder whats next. how am I going to live, now that I'm healthier and awake, how am I going to get away from these people? I'm still anxious. Not as sick and exhausted, (autoimmune but haven't really gone back to the doc, anxiety and lack of coverage) and feeling like really like I am super unusual.

Any thoughts?

 

Firstly I am sorry you had to go through all of this; no one could blame you for reacting this way.

I've had selective mutism, and I still struggle with it. When I was 15 till I was 16 I don't think I said more than a few words, despite having worked hard to get over my stammer. I especially struggle to speak with strangers. With people I know well and trust sometimes you can't shut me up now though, lol. I think for me it's connected to my social anxiety... which, like it is for you is linked to thinking that since my family and people I trusted were terrible maybe the whole world is evil.

The world isn't evil though... some of us have just been really unlucky. There are good people out there.

I'm happy to hear you're getting better both physically as well as mentally. Your issues are not easy to deal with. Especially not if your family is still draining you that much.
My mother isn't easy to deal with, but a 'tactic' that helped with her was when I left her for a while last year telling her I couldn't deal with her 'cr*p' anymore and it was killing me. She's been more understanding, though our relationship will never be normal.

I will never advice someone to leave their family, but perhaps in your case it's good to look at whether or not it's worth it to spend time with them, and on worrying about what they think about you. ... Much, MUCH easier said than done... no matter who you are and how strong you are for most people family can just dismantle us and reduce us to weak children.... especially if it has been a wrong family dynamic.

I don't have all the answers myself... but I really hope you can find some peace somehow!

 

I don't really need answers, I just needed to share. I really appreciate you responding. Its such a relief to be able to just say that...

 

Hi RainThunder,

Im sorry that you have diagnosed of Mutism. Would you mind to explain what kind of Mutism is it? (*I dont really know about Mutism that much)

About your forum's friend - I myself have experienced the feel of losing someone. I told someone of my privacy, and sometimes my friend is tired of my own stories. Well, later I found that we as normal people; shouldn't always expect for the good side of our friends. Friends can come and go at anytime, let it go. Btw, we cannot get away frome 'these people'. No matter what we do, there's always been 'these people'. We can only ignore them.


I have depressed few years ago and I still have the feeling of hate of this world.
Lately I found myself forgiving the 'unusual' self. I try to forgive many things of questions in my head, example: "Why I'm different from any other kid?"; "Why they couldn't feel my problem?"; "Why they try to make me the same as they are?"

I'm still trying, and these "trying mode" absolutely will not happen in one night only. It will take a lot of times, even many years.