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I don't think I can carry on...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nooby, Oct 11, 2007.

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  1. nooby

    nooby Guest

    ... Actually... I'm not sure.

    Firstly Hi to everyone on the forum.

    ... I guess you noticed I'm a noob...

    The thing is... I was really really happy just a year ago. Than I started flunking university... I had never ever flunked anything before... so this was weird. Truthfully though, I'll admit... I'm a lazy bastard, but usually I managed to get by.

    So anyway last year I flunked my major. I thought it was the end of the world, and that I couldn't carry on. Thankfully I pulled through that. I promised myself that this year I would improve. It started of quite well... But than I flunked my major AGAIN! And here I am.

    The worst part is... I missed it by just 2%. And I even HAD the 2% in my exam. It was just a stupid marking error. But by the time I realized it the lecturer refused to mark it.

    So... yeah.

    It feels terrible. Sometimes I can force myself to be happy for a while, but today I felt soooo bad. I just felt like ending it all. I drove around for an hour just crying (It's really pathetic when you consider that I'm a 19 year old guy). I wished that I would just be involved in a terrible car crash and die.

    I really am just a burden on my family. And I have a great family. My mum, dad and 3 sisters are absolutely the best I could ever hope for. Except my mum and dad are real sticklers over Grades (They were both really smart, my dad's a doctor and my mum has a masters degree in economics)... And I let them down. AGAIN. I couldn't even muster enough courage to tell them.

    The most frustrating thing is that I didn't fail. I got the marks. It's just that my douche of a lecturer refuses to even acknowledge that I did.

    My mum and dad have given me everything. All they asked is that I do well at school. At least try. But I couldn't even do that for them. I seriously wish I could just die. I know they'd be sad for a while... But I think in the long run they'd be happier, before they realize that their son is a lying, snivelling dipshit.

    The thing is though that (unfortunately?) I'm quite religious. It's just the way that I've been bought up... and I think it's the only thing that stopped me doing it last year... But now... It's so much worse.

    I'm sorry to trouble you guys... I just wish there was someone I could talk to.
  2. numberman

    numberman Well-Known Member

    Firstly welcome to SF,you have come to the right place

    I think you are totally wrong in what you think but that is what depression does and I should know, been there got the t-shirt..

    If you truly believe that you did your best then your parents will accept that..perhaps your sisters can talk to them.. can't you re-sit?

    Harming yourself or worse is,as will be said over and over again on this forum, a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You are young with what sounds like a good life ahead of you.. you have to deal with hurdles in life and this is one of them, people here will show you the way

    Stay cool,stay safe..
  3. nooby

    nooby Guest

    The thing is... I didn't try my best. That's what pisses me off. I keep sabotaging my own life.
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