I don't think I can do this anymore.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GammaRae, Aug 11, 2009.

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  1. GammaRae

    GammaRae Active Member

    I have ptsd and other issues.. I went through more in my childhood than most do in a lifetime. I have always struggled.. barely hanging on. For the past few years the only person to be there for me was my boyfriend. We had lived together a year.. dated a couple of years and were best friends for much longer. He was the entirety of my world. All of my hopes and dreams involved him. He promised me the world. He promised we'd get married in a year or so when I was done with my college. He promised we'd have kids and move away.. and be happy and not need anyone else. He promised he'd never leave. He promised me everything.. and I believed it all. I went to stay with my family for a few days. He broke up with me over a text message. A text message. He wouldn't even speak to me.. he left my things outside the apartment. He blocked my number. He wouldn't even give me a phone call. He wouldn't even explain. I don't understand how he could hurt me like this. I don't understand this. It was 2 weeks ago. I've lost 18lbs since. I've been cutting myself. I can't keep anything down.. barely even fluids. I can't stay asleep for long. When I do fall asleep in my dreams we are together. I wake up up hurting so bad I can barely breathe. I was going to tell him the night I came back that I was pregnant. I never got the chance. He wouldn't even talk to me. He wouldn't even listen.. he blocked my number. I feel so hysterical.. I feel so shattered. I feel murdered. I don't have anyone else besides him except a few family members. All of my friends were his first and now they won't speak to me. I have nothing. I have no hopes and no dreams and no friends. I left a message on one of his friends phones about the pregnancy. He didn't believe me. I don't have money. I'm just a student. I was living with him.. now I'm with a family member. I couldn't have kept the baby. I had an abortion yesterday. I couldn't havea baby by a man who hates me when I can barely keep myself alive. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to disapear. I want to fall asleep and never wake up. Everything hurts. I can't take it anymore. He was the only one that ever pretended to care, to be there, to understand, to love me and now I know it was all fake. I know I never mattered to him. I dont want to live. I'm not going to attempt now because if I do the last thing I would ever want is another failed one. I failed once before. I overdosed it was pretty serious but not enough.. I was in the icu for a while my heart stopped... it's hard to kill yourself! and I know I don't want to have to go inpatient. That was one of the worst experiences of my life. I just wish I'd fall asleep and never wake up. That way I wouldn't have to do it myself. I can't handle this. I can't feel this way anymore. I have been through so so much in my short life but I have never ever felt this hurt and worthless and betrayed and miserable and hopeless. I've got to figure something out. I can't do this. I'm shaking and crying and underweight and completely alone. I don't know what to do. I just want to die fast and easy and never have to be hurt by another person ever again. Nothing good has ever happened to me. No one has ever cared about me. My entire life has been one hurt and one blow after another. I can't take it anymore.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    If you are in immediate danger, please seek help...it seems so much has happened in such a short time that it is both overwhelming and frightening...you will find new friends, you will have a renewed life, but it takes time and work...please seek professional help at this time of crisis...you deserve a good life!!! big hugs, J
     
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I care. I care because you are hurting so badly and no one should have to because of another person. So I care and wish there was something I could do to make it different or to stop the hurt. But all I have is to let you know someone has heard you, a hug and someone you can talk to if you like hun.
    Please you are in a very bad place right now. Call a crisis line or even 911 if you need to. Just talking about it can help a little. It wont cure the problem but it will help and maybe you will find some resources to help you see things a little better.
     
  4. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    I don't know what advice I can offer, but I just wanted to say your post reminded me so much of my last relationship.

    We were best friends for about 6 years, then dated for a year. He always was talking about getting married and promised me he would never leave, I believed it because he had been in love with me since we first met. He wanted to move several states south for school but he stayed here for me, and he bought a house for us and we lived there two months. Then he broke up with me in a note. That month things had actually seemed to be going the best they ever had, so I had no clue... now I know he was just hiding his feelings. He talked s*** about me to all of his friends and our mutual friends, now none of them will talk to me and some of them still harass me by phone.

    I did however get a chance to find out why he left. It was basically because he became overwhelmed by all the suffering I was going through and how much I depended on him. That and I have PTSD from sexual abuse which made intimacy very difficult. He found another girl who wanted a casual uncommitted relationship and dumped me the next day.

    I think your boyfriend did really love you all those years. I really do. But feelings can change over time. You say you've gone through more than most people do in a lifetime. If your boyfriend was young like mine (we were both around 20), then he might have not known how to deal with it. The way he left you however was wrong.

    I wish I had some advice to offer, what helped me was 1 - Professional help (therapist and psychiatrist) and 2 - Trying to completely forget about him for awhile (impossible, but I was able to distract myself some).

    :hugtackles:
     
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