I don't think I can ever love again.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Endlessagony, Feb 8, 2012.

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  1. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    After my dystopian rant I feel I need to write something a bit more personal, the reason really why I'm so depressed and can't seem to snap out of it. Last fall I broke up with my partner of 9 years, she was the love of my life and literally the reason for my existence. Things turned very sour and the last 2 years we did nothing but fight, she then proceded to cheating on me. Not only that but she also manipulated my friends and family against me. I was powerless to stop it because I was needy and attentive while she was cold blooded. It was very easy for her to paint me in a bad light.

    I then moved to a new town to start a new life of studying, at first it seemed alright and it was a breath of fresh air to have new people around who had never heard her lies. Under the circumstances I think I did pretty well, I've managed to make several friends and people seem to like me here. The problem is my schoolwork has suffered a heavy blow as my mind has been on nothing else than relations. I've been to almost every party (good for the social aspects but not good for my alcohol problem). I am now severily behind, I have collected about 1/5 of the study points that I need to stay in school and get support financially from the government (which means I'm going to have to pay back the money I've gotten during the year). Also my constant absence has taken a toll on my relations with my classmates, though they have shown empathy for my condition I can tell it's starting to piss them off badly.

    I've also screwed up every single appointment I've had this year (psychiatrist, guidance counselor, school nurse, heck even my dentist). Everything is just piling up on an alarming rate and I'm powerless to do anything.

    I thought I was over my ex but today it hit me quite clearly how not over her I am. I am unable to feel love and warmth towards others. I mean I can appreciate and even look up to others but the thought of letting them inside my heart feels impossible. I feel like I have been poisoned by my past and it's a slow acting venom, flowing through my veins and rendering me incapable of doing things I want. I am broken and I need the safety and security of a relationship to make me feel good, yet as long as I'm damaged goods I'm not capable of having one. I'm starting to feel like God (even though I'm an atheist) just told me "check mate son"...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Relationship to make you feel good no YOu have to be feel good about you no matter what situation you are in. You cannot move forward if you sabotage yourself your school your future Talk to a councillor at you school and get the supports you need to succeed to salvage whatever credits you can stop concentrating on relationships and start concentrating on YOU and your future and how you will make it better
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