I don't think I can keep doing this

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JenniC, Mar 23, 2011.

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  1. JenniC

    JenniC New Member

    I have ruined my life and my family's life. I have ruined us financially, we will never own a home, we live in a mobile home which we still owe 14000 on and 4 years left on the loan, we live in trailer park which has gone downhill over the past 10 years we have lived there, but despite losing almost all of the original amenities, the rent keeps going up.

    It is in a bad school district, so I have to pay most of my personal income to send my kids to a private school. My husband's income pays for all the rest of the bills. I literally only make enough to pay for the kids' school. 11 years ago when we had no children it was a nice, new trailer, and we were happy, but now it has turned into a money pit and we have no money to fix it. Roof leaks, holes in wall, rotting floor. carpet needs to be replaced, dishwasher broken, fridge broken, and bad school district. To move the trailer to another park in the better school district would cost about $10000 plus utility deposits so it is not an option.

    I have multiple medical bills in collections, I have managed to ruin both my and my husband's credit, and my health is still deteriorating. First there were tumors in the colon and on an ovary, both requiring surgery, I have health insurance, but I have to pay $1500 deductable and 20% of all medical costs, it adds up quickly. The tumors were benign, but now I have precancerous cells on cervix and the Dr wants to do surgery and the hysterectomy will help but not cure all of the symptoms as I have a hormone imbalance from the surgery to remove the ovarian tumor which left the ovary damaged beyond repair. I am 70 pounds overweight (technically obese) despite dieting, exercising, and taking a weight loss drug (Orlistat). I have only managed to lose about 4 pounds in 3 months.

    I am in a dead end job and get taken advantage of by my employer, more and more work thrown at me with no compensation despite promises I will get promoted and/or a raise. I have watched people who have worked her for a smaller length of time, are younger than me, have less work experience, and no college deegree get promoted up and over me, win awards for work that I was given to do for them because they could not complete it. I have 15 plus years experience and have worked here for 5 years and have a BS degree and am working on a MS.

    When I have tried to stick up for myself my supervisor just argues or changes the subject. I have gone over his head and have gotten empty promises of a promotion and raise that a year later has still not been fulfilled. I decided to give up and stop complaining. Just be thankful I have a job, but now I feel like I would rather just quit and not have to deal with all the lies.

    I work for a University and I have applied for many jobs in other departments with no interviews so far. The reasons I have been given are I have not been at this University long enough and people who have worked here longer are getting the interviews. I do good work, I never miss deadlines, I am efficient, and knowledgeable about the policies and procedures required for my job, yet I feel invisible. Not appreciated for the work I do, except to get other people's work given to me because they can't get it done and I can. I am tired of being taken advantage of.

    I am in graduate school and the pressure is overwhelming. I know in order to get out of this stagnant job I NEED to get the degree so I can move on, but the whole process of working full time, being in school, and trying to keep a family of 5 in order is exhausting.

    I turned from religion, one of the only things in life I feel like I did not screw up. Religion made me miserable always trying to please someone else's version of what they thought was "right". My version of what is " right" is different. I believe in treating others as I want to be treated, in walking to walk not just talking the talk. I believe that Human Rights are a big issue and that religion is trying top take those rights away in the name of a god.
    I believe that Humans no matter what their gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, or any other defining factor should be treated with love, respect, dignity, and equality, and I try to live my life in a way that I do that to the best of my abilities.

    I have no friends. The people who claim to be my friends are only there when they need something from me. When I am crying out for help, asking them for help, asking them to do something like get lunch with me so I can talk about these feelings, no one is there. Even my husband is too busy to talk to, he is constantly working even when he is home he is in the office on the computer working. Always working, until I do something that annoys him and he takes five minutes to complain about how I screw everything up.

    My kids hate me, they will not listen to me, they are 8 and 6. They are so disrespectful to me, but they will mind their dad, they just sass me, and I eventually give up and let my husband handle it. Just one more thing I screw up.

    I have taken numerous payday loans to pay Dr bills, used my tax refund, and used credit cards to try and pay Dr bills and I can not afford to go to get help anymore for either the mental or physical issues. I am supposed to have a hysterectomy surgery, but have not scheduled it because the thought of spending yet more money for Dr bills makes me sick as I still owe Drs and hospitals about $3500 for my past surgery, tests, and also for my kids dental and an ER visit from a neighbor's dog attacking my daughter.

    I have been depressed for years, diagnosed with PTSD from childhood physical and emotional abuse, General anxiety, panic attacks and clinical depression. I have an Interdisciplinary Studies Degree and Psychology is one of my disciplines so I know all the BS that crisis centers and psychologists spew out. If I wanted to hear that I could rattle it off to myself.

    I have done so well for a long time now, but I am overwhelmed with the secrets, the financial strain, the debt collectors calling, my husband asking questions, my lack of support, no one to talk to, feeling sick, scared of cancer, scared of surgery, hate myself, ugly, fat, disgusting, horrible me.

    What I want it a REAL connection with someone, someone I am not paying more per hour than I make in a day to listen to me. I want a real friend to listen and care. Someone I can have a real relationship with, and not someone who is just a friend when they need something from me. I want to stop being invisible to people, I want people to see who I am and not look down on me because I am different.

    Even in a service and honors Sorority where I am currently Vice President, I am overlooked. One example, we have big sisters, who were supposed to give gifts and write letters and be encouraging, etc. I gave my little gifts, sent notes, some little things, and some bigger. I got nothing from my big sister. We do reveals this week on Friday. There was to be a minimum 2 gifts before the reveal. It is Wednesday and I have not received so much as a card or note. Every time I check my box for something, nothing is there. I shouldn't care but this is just a reflection of how everything else in my life is. I am invisible, no one sees me.

    I just can't keep on doing this. It hurts so bad to not be appreciated, to not been heard, or seen by others, to be invisible. No one to help me through the hard times when I have a scare of possible cancer, when I have health problems and medical bi8lls piling up, when costs of living keep going up and up and my salary is stagnant despite getting more and more work thrown at me. It is so discouraging. I know without me everyone would be better off, if they even noticed I was gone...
  2. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Hi JenniC

    From the sounds of it, everything is pretty unbearable right now, and I am really sorry to hear that. I know how hard it is to not feel appreciated, to feel invisible, to feel not good enough for others. It is horrible, and upsetting and frustrating. Is there any chance you can sit your husband down, maybe on a day off or when he gets home from work, and explain how you are feeling? Maybe you could do this with one of your friends too. It doesn't have to be said in an offensive way, just tell them you don't feel appreciated and it hurts you to be treated this way. I think that is reasonable, and they may not even realize that their actions result in you feeling this way. People react in different ways, and think about things and situations differently, so maybe giving them a nudge in the right direction may be helpful. It is awful to feel so.. exhausted by life, and yet have no one to talk to, it just makes you feel more alone. If your friends don't react in a positive way to your request and thoughts, then they weren't really friends to start with, and you would be better off without them, in the long run.
    Being Vice President of the Sorority is something to be proud of too. I know you feel overlooked, but perhaps you should pull your big sister aside, and explain that although there are probably reasons as to why there hasn't been a gift, it makes you feel worthless, and unwanted. If she knew the error of her ways, there is a chance she could change. But if she doesn't understand the impact it has on you, she has no incentive to change. Do you find being the Vice President stressful, or do you enjoy doing it, and meeting with others?
    As for your job, it is unfair that they have promised you promotions and/or raises in response to you doing extra work. Can you ask them about this? Was any of it in a written contract? Even if it wasn't you still have grounds to ask for a meeting to discuss what exactly is going on, and what you can expect in terms of any future promotion. If you simply ask for a meeting, and whilst in there lay out all these false promises, write them down if it helps, then when faced with your queries they should give you a straight answer. If they try and fob you off with an empty promise, ask for it to be written into a contract for you. Is there any other similiar jobs in different universities nearby that you could apply for?
    In regards to your graduate school, can you ask for some additional support? Or perhaps you need to take a year out before you return to it - would that be possible? I know you probably wouldn't want to do that but you need to think about your health first and foremost, and all of this strain is clearly no good for you, and I think anyone in your position would feel the same way.
    I'm sorry that your children are disrespectful, won't your husband tell them that they need to listen to you? If they feel that being disrespectful will go unnoticed and that it doesn't matter if they act that way, they will continue to do so. Maybe discuss this with your husband, especially if he is working long hours and you are the one left with the children a lot. Does your husband acknowledge that their behaviour with you is unacceptable? Do you give them ample discipline? Or does your husband do that?
    I think you are from the USA... so I'm really sorry but I don't know about the money situation.. is there any chance you can get assistance from the government? Or go to a debt management place to consolidate all your loans into one existing one? I'm pretty useless... sorry.
    I just wanted to say I know you feel alone, but on SF you are never invisible. People will try and help as much as they can. I know it isn't much but we can try and support you, and give you encouragement or different ideas that maybe you hadn't thought of. I'm glad you found the forum, and I hope you keep posting. Please take care :hug:
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear things are so hard. That is all I can really say.

    In the end you need to remember you have two lives that depend on you, your children. You said that your income is stretched it its limit to just send your kids to school. Your husband's income is stretched to the limit just to pay the rest of the bills. If you were gone, what would happen?

    Keep in mind that you are also still in school. School is a very hard time for everyone. All professors treat each class like that is the only thing that matters in your life. When I was in school I Had a hard time balancing my workload as well. Sometimes the only thing we can do is keep on struggling. One thing I Have learned since I Graduated is that the majority of your learning is done on the job.

    I am sorry to hear about your health. It really sucks that doctors pretend to be these noble people, until there is no money then you no longer matter. Having your surgery is important though. Right now you have some insurance. Paying for 20% of the operation is better than having to pay 100%.

    In the end your responsibility as a parent is to your children. You need to survive for them. Otherwise they may not survive. This is the choice you made.
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