I don't think I can make it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LostInPain, Dec 7, 2013.

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  1. LostInPain

    LostInPain Well-Known Member

    I don't know why I'm here. I can't see how anyone's mere words can help. My wife is divorcing me. She's been ill to the point of being disabled for the last few years and although I've tried to devote (gladly) my life to her needs and desires, she is mentally changing, partially due to her disability and partially due to the fact that I've had to spend the last 2 years away from home 4 nights a week. She no longer wants to be married to me after 12 years. I'm 55, not going to start over and don't want to try. This woman has been the love of my life. I'd rather die as her husband than live without her and the rest of the family. Not sure why I came here. Was looking at websites trying to figure out a painless way to end it all. Every site said to talk, so here I am. But I can't see how words will change the fact that my life will not be worth living after this. I think I'm done. Maybe I'll come back here to this site, I don't know. Thanks for letting me say this and for taking the time to read it though. If there are some others like me here who can wait a bit to see if there's any possible way out, I encourage you to do so. I'm going to take until Christmas or New Years I think, but I don't see any way out of this and am not hopeful of finding one. I never thought I'd come to this. But I can't live with this pain day in and day out for the rest of my life, thinking about the life and family I lost and wondering how they are doing, desperately missing them, loving them from afar with no reciprocation. It's been 30 hours since my wife told me she's filing for divorce and will not consider counseling or any attempts to save our marriage. It was like speaking to somepne I'd never met. Over the phone, too. Oh God, I don't think I'm strong enough to endure this. I have a doctor's appt., a routine checkup scheduled months ago, for Monday morning. I can't tell him about this though. If he got me to somehow not do this, I'll forever be the suicidal nut on my records. And if he can't help me, well then nothing is lost. I never though I'd come to this. There's no way out. God forgive me.

    I'm sorry to take up anyone's time with this. I'm desperate, but I'm not coming from a history of suicidal thoughts, I've been through loss before... This is so very different. I don't know what I want or need here. Thank you for your time anyway.
     
  2. kangaroo2

    kangaroo2 Active Member

    How do you know you will feel this way for the rest of your life? People can learn to adjust to their situations. It's only been 30 hours since she said she would file for divorce. I would allow some time to see how you adjust to the situation. Stay strong.
     
  3. LostInPain

    LostInPain Well-Known Member

    I intend to wait until the holidays are over. You know, I've been through loss before. This is different (or I am different). I wish I could see my self not feeling like this in the future, but I'm an intelligent guy who has been around a long time and already dealt with many losses and hardships. This is... too much to bear. It's different. But, I will allow some time as you suggest. I just don't think it's going to change my mind. But thank you so so much for commenting. It means a lot right now that someone out there at least extended that kindness to me. I hope things work better for you.
     
  4. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    What is her reason of divorce if you would like to share?
     
  5. silentlyfading

    silentlyfading Well-Known Member

    You said you have been through losses before and many hardship's right? Things turned around for you then so why not now? Things may feel different this time but you can still make it through. Im 26 my dad is exactly the same age as you, if anything was to happen to him it would break me in half. I don't talk with him all that much (less than once a month) but nether the less it would devastate me. You marrage may be going down hill but im sure your suicide would be the last thing you're loved ones would want to happen. Pain Is temporary but death is for ever. Even at 55 there is still a life worth living. Its not over for you yet. Keep fighting
     
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know you're hurting so much right now, and it's got to feel like that pain will never end. Pain does lessen though... nobody can tell you when, or give you a time frame. But what seems unbearable right now, can become manageable over time.

    I hope you'll try to hold on and give yourself some time. Here if you ever feel like talking... sometimes it can help, even a tiny bit, to talk things out and know people are listening and actually care. :hug:
     
  7. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    hi LostInPain,

    i too know what devastating loss feels like... mine is a little different though, because it involves one of my parents and i was 12 (now 39). my dad was mostly always away at sea, so my mom was me and my sister's world really. she always wanted to listen to us, to share in our joy and in our sorrows and to spend time with us, and help us whenever needed. she was a really special person. my dad loved her as strong (I presume) as you do your wife. they had a bit of a fairytale marriage in as far as their love for each other went... and her loss, devastated us all.. in fact, we all still hurt over her loss, pretty bad at times... but, as wild cherry said, it does get manageable with time. not saying the pain ever completely goes away or completely heals... not even saying you wont ever experience the same extreme agony you are now when you think of your wife... but, you learn to replace the painful memories with happy ones... to celebrate the life you had with her, and you keep that joy in your heart in that way. also, maybe after you've healed enough, some other lucky woman will come along and capture your heart again.. yes, i say lucky woman its not every man that will remain faithful and true while their spouse is unwell either physically or mentally, you did... thats an awesome quality about you. if you suicided, i'm sure it would haunt your wife, even if she doesn't want to liive with you anymore, she doesn't want you dead either... some part of her will always care. and what about the devastation to your kids? you would be spreading the pain around rather than stopping it. i know you hurt bad, but, i want you to consider the saying that i have in my signature.

    "Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

    Why not hold out so you can see those moments that are so good they take your breath away? Do you really want to shortchange yourself of those moments? I know I dont and its one of the reasons I remain alive a lot of days... maybe I'm a bit greedy or selfish, but I think I deserve those moments... don't you think you deserve them?
     
  8. LostInPain

    LostInPain Well-Known Member

    Thank you all. I just don't know if I can endure this much longer. I know that the pain will eventually numb to a certain degree, but I also know that the life I had planned for so long is irretrievably lost from me. That I can never have my family and home again, that I'll ultimately grow old and die alone and unloved, spending the last decades of my life feeling rejection, agony and lonely, makes continuation seem impossible, even with numbness. I have been in two marriages and a long-term relationship now that have ended after a decade or more. It seems that no matter how loving, loyal, honest and devoted I am, they never work in the end. I guess good guys do finish last. I know how it works. In the past I was young enough to be able to look forward to starting a new relationship and another attempt at love. I've been burned now by the one woman in whom I placed my complete and total trust. It's not just that I'm hurting from the newness of this, I am no longer interested in having another relationship. That's not my pain speaking, that's fact. I'm suffering so badly here, never felt like this. I really don't know what I need here. Maybe there's a pert of me that want's not to do this, but I don't think my wife's coming back. I'm scared.
     
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know you're scared, and I don't blame you. I also know that no words will take away that pain and fear right now. Just try to take things one day at a time, even a few hours at a time if that's what you can manage. I hope you'll keep posting, reaching out and talking about how you're doing. Maybe it doesn't seem like talking (or posting) can help, but one of the worst things to do is to keep everything all locked up inside, where those feelings and emotions don't have an outlet.
     
  10. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    I dont think you've totally lost your family... even if this divorce goes through. True, it will not be as you always dreamed, the roles will change a little bit, and maybe even the reality of how often you talk to them or how often you see them.. but, truth be told, unless you've in some way harmed your kids and not told us about that... no child wants to forever be without his or her daddy... and yes, just like they are always your babies, in a child's heart, no matter how old they get .. you are their daddy. They still care. I'm sure your wife still cares. Sad thing is, life is always changing.. sometimes for the good, sometimes not... but, its also what keeps life interesting... if you knew exactly how each day would play out... would u even be interested in waking up every morning? I wouldn't, then there could be no hopes b/c you already know what will be. There could be no real joy... because if you know something will happen, you dont really react to it. I know this is one of your painful times.... but I'm sure there's more happy times out there for you too, you just need to sift through this, figure out what new roles each of you have... and then from there, decide what makes you happy or not... and hold on tight as the roller coaster of life continues!
     
  11. Graeme66

    Graeme66 Member

    You wouldn't be normal if you were not scared or distraught about what may or may not happen, but I can vouch that you may actually find over time that it is a blessing in disquise. I am 100% certain that I am closer to my daughter by not being with her mum and we spend proper quality time together. So please for you and your families sake take time and wait and see. It won't be easy but might just be worth it.
     
  12. LostInPain

    LostInPain Well-Known Member

    Its another day. It has seemed a million years long. I'm alone here, and that's not helping. I feel worse today. I spoke with my wife who made it clear that even though she loves me, she does not want me. She doesn't seem to be thinking clearly (and I know I'm not), but she is 100 percent dead certain on this divorce. There will be no attempt to try to seek counseling, she refuses. I have tried so hard not to think about suicide today. I called up my 2 brothers and confessed what was going on in my head. They were very concerned of course. I'm going to fly home to stay with one of them for the holidays, otherwise I'm afraid I will probably kill myself. If time doesn't heal me, I feel like I have to end it. My life without my wife is not something I can see myself enduring. I am suffering. I'm sorry for burdening you guys. But you strangers are the only thing that fills in these times when I would otherwise be researching suicide methods. Thank you, everybody. It's hard to find people to be able to say these things to. This week coming up will determine if I make it or give up I think. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet.
     
  13. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    That is why I asked abt her reason of divorce. In any case. I wish you the best.
     
  14. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    You are in a much better situation than most of us here. Some are either homeless, no friends, no family support. All alone.

    Do treasure that ya.
     
  15. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you are looking at alternatives to suicide. Maybe some time with your brothers will help you see that even though you are having a painful change in life atm, you are not alone. Not at all. Others still care about you. Even your wife admitted she still cares. I can't imagine your kids saying anything less either... and just because you and your wife will no longer be married, who says you cant still be the best of friends? It doesn't mean that you have to pull out of her life completely. Maybe its just her illness taking over, and if thats the case, maybe further down the road she will want to remarry again --if you still want to at that point. I'm throwing a lot of "what ifs" out there, because the truth is, you dont know what will happen... none of us do... but if you end it, you will never know. Thats for certain.
     
  16. LostInPain

    LostInPain Well-Known Member

    I've been asking her what her reasons are for divorcing me. Her answers don't make sense. She says she's afraid of me (there's never been even a tiny bit of verbal abuse let alone physical abuse in our relationship), she's accused me of infidelity, which if you knew us is laughable, no proof, just a certain conviction because I'm on the road a lot. I'd cut my leg off before hurting her. She seems to be almost paranoid. She's claiming I said things in conversations I never said, mis remembering all sorts of events. Over the past year her memory has been getting worse and worse. I was told today by my brother, who's a medical professional and familiar with her case, she might be suffering from early onset dementia. She has to have brain MRIs done every 6 months to monitor plaque development, something also seen in Alzheimers. She has an unspecified autoimmune disease which is the root cause of her disability. So I'm not going to be able to be there to give her all the help she's going to need on a daily basis. I know that many would consider that a blessing in disguise for me, but the truth is I had geared myself to caring for her and her needs for the rest of her life. She was my wife. Maybe doing those things wasn't always fun, but it gave me my sense of purpose. to care for her. She was worth it.

    I'm writing again today because as I laid down to go to bed, I was overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide again. They are so strong and make so much sense. If I kill myself, this horrific nightmare can end. My daughters are actually my stepdaughters. Even though we love each other tremendously, they're in their 20s with their own lives and will bounce back. My wife would probably feel badly about it, but not enough to shed tears for long. In fact, I can't think of anyone other than my brothers who would actually remember me and keep me alive in their thoughts. But we live in different parts of the country and I only see them once every 2 or 3 years anyway so they'd come through all right. I am out of reasons why I shouldn't do it. When I get to the doctor tomorrow, I have to decide whether or not to tell him about these thoughts. I can't afford to be locked away or whatever they do. Maybe it's all the XANAX I've been taking the last couple of days according to my brother. I doubt it. I can't get this pain to subside, only recede when I dope up with Xanax and doze asleep. But every time I wake up, the pain is still there and bad as ever. Now I'm just trying to make it through to the flight home. I don't know how I'm going to face this. If I could snap my fingers and be gone with no muss or fuss or pain, I'd do it now. I'm looking, but I don't see a way out of this or a reason not to end my life.

    I finally fell asleep on the keyboard last night in the middle of this. Too many Xanax. I came into work today, but my boss is taking pity on me and letting me go. My doctor's appt. was this morning, but I pushed it back to tomorrow. My wife says she still loves me, but her actions say otherwise. I'd be kidding myself to think there's a chance there. There's no future that I can see that's worth it. I bought tickets to see my brother in NY over the holidays. I don't know if I'm going to avoid being alone and killing myself or if I'm going to say goodbye. Good meaning friends are all saying the same useless things to me, how it's not my fault (as if that matters right now), how my life will go on (that's what I'm afraid of). I'm afraid if I call a suicide hotline and they spew that same stuff at me I'll go over the edge. I'm leaving work early. I'm going to stay alive for today. Not sure beyond that.

    Thanks again for being out here and taking time for a total stranger you guys. I don't know how this will turn out but I do know you strangers with whom I've never communicated before are appreciated by me.
     
  17. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    I guess its not about how long you know a person but its the impact the person made onto your life.

    I hear that your wife is insecure, this is exacerbated by her illness that makes her more sensitive due to her inferiority complex.

    Sharing your thoughts with your doctor would be more appropriate, as they may render you professional help or perhaps practical solutions.
     
  18. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Honestly, the doctors hate admitting you to the hospital and will not do that unless they deem you as a severe threat to yourself with a plan and a means to use it. Even if you do go to the hospital though, there is nothing really bad about it. It's not like you see on the movies like "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" or etc. Yes, you are behind a locked door that you cannot get out of... but you have you own room (maybe shared with 1 roommate) that is equipped with a bathroom including a toilet and shower. (the only possible exception to that is some hospitals do not have that if you end up on the critical care unit because they want to watch you at all times and you are locked out of your room unless you are sleeping, etc.. on those units you generally have to ask to shower/go to the bathroom/clean your clothes). They have a washer/dryer for your use in case you end up being there longer than a few days. They feed you and even have snacks. You can watch tv and some have games to play and/or pictures to color and sometimes other activities as well. You go to group meetings during the day and are seen by a psychiatrist once a day who puts you on medication and you are required to take that medication .. the nurse watches you take it. Your blood pressure and weight are monitored closely. Depending on the meds they put you on, they may order a cardiograph or blood work to be done. The worst part about all of it, is admittance... lots of questions and some places do searches and sometimes strip searches in order to get any identifying marks in case you try to escape or are trying to smuggle in something harmful. I have been in the hospital about 7 times... I think of it now as "a vacation from reality" as honestly, once you are admitted, there are no stressors... you and your doc decide who is allowed to visit/call you, you have no bills to pay while there, no appointments to meet, no responsibilities period. Some places have phones you can call out on but you have to call collect. The nurses do a assessment on you every so often (once a day maybe less) to figure out your progress on your mental health while there. Its nothing to worry about.. I promise.

    It sounds like your wife's illness is getting in the way of her good thinking/decision making. One thing you may be able to do if you really want to try staying with her is trying to get power of attorney over her in regards to her medical care.
     
  19. LostInPain

    LostInPain Well-Known Member

    Saw my wife briefly at her parents house. As soon as she saw me she began to yell, "Call the sheriff! Call the sheriff!" There's never been a single violent or verbally abusive moment in our our relationship. The look she gave me was pure hatred. I have never been so devastated, so shocked, so completely destroyed. I know she's not completely herself, but that makes it even worse. I've lost that last little feeling of hope that maybe somehow, some way, some day this nightmare will end. I have been thinking nonstop for almost a week. I'm going to go to visit my brothers and I think it might be my goodbye. I'm scared. I'm scared of living. I'm scared to kill myself. But if I just press a button that made me fall asleep and never wake up again I would push it tonight. People who mean well and who care keep telling me things that don't help. I know they mean well but it makes it worse. This is not a "permanent solution to a temporary problem". This is a very permanent problem. And aside from losing my wife and family, she has suckered me in so badly that a lawyer I spoke to today tells me she's conned me into signing my rights to the house and all the money I've put into it trying to invest and prepare for our old age. So I'm not only getting divorced, I'm losing all my money - I'll have virtually nothing for my old age, not even a home. Then, to add spice to the mix, the company I work for is going bankrupt and I'm liable to be out of a job shortly. All my life I've been the nice guy, the good and honest guy, the one with integrity and it seems like all I've gotten is kicked and beaten. So I'm going to take a little time, settle some affairs, see my brothers, get to church and try to ask God's forgiveness and then we'll see. I don't know if I can get the courage to kill myself. I just wish it would end. I just wish some bad accident would happen (as long as it didn't hurt anyone else) so I could go. Maybe with time, the pain will make me overcome my fear of doing it. I am so, so tired. I feel like it's getting harder to hang on. But I'm still coming here. You guys help me - thank you. It helps to hear from people who understand the pain. I don't know how this will turn out, but as long as someone reads this, I get through another hour or two.
     
  20. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Have you asked your lawyer if there is any way at all you can fight for some of the things... house, money, etc? Just a thought here too, but... if all this only happened after she started becoming so sick she can't think properly, how is it that she got you to sign things causing you to sign away your rights to stuff like the house? What I'm asking is ... is it possible she's not as sick as she's making out to be? Has she been married in the past? How did those marriages turn out? Could she be a bit of a con artist? If any of that is true, I'm certain there are ways you can go about trying to get some of your "stuff" back or at least compensation for part or all of it. Are there any other jobs in your area that you can apply for.. even if they aren't as good paying as the one you have now, at least it would ensure you have one while you await the countdown of being laid off, and then you can simply look for a better one. Since you are truly religious... do you believe you can still go to heaven if you suicide? I mean cuz even if you ask for forgiveness, and you get it, you are getting forgiveness for the thought of it, the action of it is set apart from the thought.... therefore you can never truly get forgiveness for suicide by asking for it.... so, is it possible to still go to heaven? You say you don't know if you can get the courage to kill yourself. I hope you don't. It takes a lot of will power to go through with it, because the whole time there is one part of you screaming not to do it... I hope you never get more strength than that little portion of you that screams out and lessens your resolve a bit at a time. I am glad you are still here talking to us... I hope you will keep coming back and venting...
     
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