i don't think i can stop

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by music, Apr 26, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. music

    music Well-Known Member

    I'm an addict, always have been. Ever since I was a child I've been fascinated by drugs, but I never did them until later in life and after lots of research. My father and mother are both recovering alcoholics, I've never seen them take a drink in my entire life though. I started drinking and smoking marijuana at about 16, experimented with ecstasy and shrooms at 17, lsd, lsa, dxm, nitrous, salvia, heroin, coke at 18, dmt at 19, rc's at 20, scripts at 21, and now here i am at 22....

    I've smoked marijuana and drank daily since 16...it is really taking a toll on my body and mind. I've been suicidal since before I ever did drugs and oddly, they helped me a lot. I'm attempting to quit but the hunger I have for altered states of mind is just too much. I'm feeling terribly and now on week 2 of sobriety, but I doubt it will last too long.

    Right now I am having a ridiculously hard time staying clean and my family situation is making me too depressed to think straight. My grandfather was diagnosed with terminal cancer recently and won't be with us much longer. My best friends father, who was like a father to me, got terminal cancer and died a few months ago. My grandmother also has cancer, but at the moment it doesn't seem absolutely life threatening. I just don't know if I can take this all...i need to feel numb.
     
  2. pastelmoon

    pastelmoon Active Member

    You would be surprised at how many positive things can have the same kind of effect on you. At least try to do something other than drugs. Volunteering is a great choice because it gets you away from drugs and makes you feel better about yourself. Plus you will make new friends who will see you as a responsible, caring person. Its just a thought.
     
  3. music

    music Well-Known Member

    I do tons of charity work, go to college with 4.0 average and almost done, play music, draw, do photography, play games, have friends that don't judge....none of it matters....none of it changes how i feel...the hunger is so intense.

    i'm 1 week sober now...longest i've been.

    i've never felt more alone, more suicidal, angry, violent, and disgusted at life than I do right now....i've forgotten how terrible my temper is, which was actually a major motivation for me to smoke pot as I couldn't hurt a fly while i was high. at the moment if someone did me wrong i almost would have no problem straight up killing them...which then reminds me of how terrible a person I am.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.