I don't think I can take this anymore :-(

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Pebble, Feb 28, 2010.

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  1. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Hi I'm sorry think I'm just venting out, maybe it'l help or just prolong the time before I act on my feelings but I just can't take it anymore. I don't think it'l make a difference at the moment if i wasn't here so maybe now is the best time to go. I think the only thing stopping me if not being able to do it properly - I don't want to end up in hospital like previous times having not succeeded in my task and aim. I just can't take livin each day in complete fear and mistrust. I shouldn't be here anymore, I just wish there was some easy way out. I can only think of one way that would truely work and be able to do it quickly now but last time I just ended up in a mental health hospital and I don't want this to happen. I can't trust anyone and have no one to turn to, I can't tell anymore how I feel as can't trust anyone around me, they may hate me further or try to destroy me more by doing something I don't know they're doing. I just cant take this anymore. I know no one will proberly reply to this thread,dont know what i actually want from it - suppose just some ideas of an easy way out although I would never say this to anyone. Just feel so alone and isolated, I can't trust anyone around me, feel like I only have one way out of all of this and I'm really scared :-(
     
  2. Landlocked blues

    Landlocked blues Well-Known Member

    im going to sound like a complete hypocrite right now as i feel the same as you but there is always another way out. keep posting, venting is good

    i never listen to my own advice so im half expecting you not to either but it was worth a shot, right?
    :hug:
     
  3. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    It's easy to become cynical and feel like you can't trust anyone. But being cynical is not being realistic. There are people who care. Some of them are on this message board.

    Don't make an emotional decision.

    If you feel like sharing more so that we can help you better, that would be great. Feel free to send private messages if that's what you prefer.
     
  4. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    You proberly wont want to talk to me. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've just had enough. I don't want to be here anymore, I;ve ended up coping with a bottle of wine and some pimms tonight but instead of feeling better I feel worse.. I can't talk to anyone that I'm meant to talk to about how I'm truely feeling cause I'm worried about what they will do. I wish there was some easy way out. I have what I need to leave but I'm worried it wont work - this is stopping me from using it, I don't want my friends to find me but I don't want to have to wake up and face tomorrow either. How do you get away from alll of these feelings? I feel like I'm just dying anyway but I can't tell anyone. I'm meant to be on a teaching course for Primary teaching but if anyone knew my thoughts I'd be thrown away. I just don't want to be here but I don't want to fail and have to face that - I'm a coward I know, I just wish there was some easy way that would work.
    I have a crisis team that I'm meant to ring if I ever feel like this but I can't trust them, even if they do help I don't know what they'l do, I know people around me are just trying to trip me up, I don't know who I can talk to anymore, I just can't take this
     
  5. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    hello me

    i totally understand about failure and not being able to talk, but you have a lot of things going for you

    first of all you have a team in place that can help you, which puts you one up on me

    second you are surrounded by people here who are always willing to listen because we either are or have been there - so keep posting

    third you have chosen a marvelous future as a teacher - like my daughter - both of you only have to reach out and take it - you have the strength

    we can help provide the support - but i hope you can find the extra strength to make the call
     
  6. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    "How do you get away from alll of these feelings?"

    Well, if you ask me there's an underlying cause for the way you're feeling and you have to find out what that is. Find out why you're feeling the way you do and then confront that. Deal with that. That's the way you're going to feel better. It won't change by itself.

    It's hard to do that on your own, though. You should find someone who can help you... Is there really nobody you can confide in? Surely there must be someone? Someone in your family or a friend?

    You have people here who care about you, in any case. Again, feel free to send a PM if you feel more comfortable talking that way. Or keep posting here, whatever you'd prefer. You need to talk to someone about your problems. I'm sure they can be dealt with.
     
  7. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    I'm so scared though, I don't know what they would do if I told them what i am really thinking. I would want to be able to do what I planned, the worst has been when I have been in hospital and not been able to act on how I felt. I need to feel in control - I no longer feel like I am in control. I can't do teaching - I am no role model and I don't know anything and am not good enough. I am just so fed up with everything going from having a good couple of times to falling right back into hell again and having no one there. I did DBT and now they all think that I should be able to cope with everything, I have failed my family already so many times and If they knew howI was now I would never be allowed out of my parents house - I just want out away from that and away from every feeling possible - I just cant take this pain any longer. Sorry I proberly sound horrible etc I just can't take any of it anymore. I'm so afraid to tell anyone how I feel but hate myself even more for having not gone through with my pllan yet - I am less of a person for having not ended it all succesfully by now. thanks for replying, I don't deserve you guys listening. And I hope your daughter does really well with teaching, I've been told that it is really rewarding for people. I'm just not that person, I'm not good enough
     
  8. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Thankyou saphire but I cant' talk to my family, they hated me when they knew I was depressed and eneded up in hospital after a couple of failed suicide attempts and if they knew how I felt now they would hate me even more. I've tried driving around stupidly hoping that something would happen that would have a definate outcome but it doesn't, I have ways that I want to go but I'm so scared they wont work. I have a CPN that I'm meant to talk to but she just says 'Your building a mountain out of a mole hill' and I end up feeling worse and I can't trust any of them. I know that they are just trying to trip me up and expect me to fail like my family and dr, There is no one around me that I can trust. If my new friends at uni knew how I felt they would run a mile like my old friends
     
  9. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    Look, I have to be at my job in a few hours so I should get some sleep. But I really hope you keep posting here. You DO deserve us listening.

    I'll check back tomorrow after work. Please stay here and talk to us.
     
  10. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Sorry I didn't mean to keep you from getting some rest. thank you for your help x
     
  11. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    And I'll reply again tomorrow, as well of course. :)
     
  12. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    lol That's not your fault at all. :) I'll be back tomorrow, Pebble! :)
     
  13. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Thank you, knowing my luck I'l still be here tomorrow :( thank you for support though x I have put number of crisis team in phone several times just yet to actually call them, hopefully I wont need to
     
  14. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Ok great never called crisis team but tried last night - after a bottle of wine and half a bottle of pimms I felt awful, didn't know where to turn. But guess what - I built up to talking to them, had a couple of questions ready to ask just to make sure I could trust them and they wouldn't do anything - they didn't answer all night well at least over the few hours I tried to call them. Proberly a good thing though, unfortunately I was more let down and decided to send a drunken text to my old DBT therapist!!!I'm not meant to have any support from her any more except in our year follow up app in august but I have spoken to her a couple of times recently - she was the only therapist person I've ever been able to talk to but now I've sent her a msg saying that I can't trust anyone not even her and that there is nowhere else for me to turn. Great!! argh I'm such an idiot - I said to myself that I would not speak to her or my cpn as they can't be trusted - now I'm so worried that they'l do something. I have to see my cpn on wednesday :-( been thinking of cancelling it - I dont want to talk to her she can't be trusted, she'l just go on about how I need to take my stupid medication - they just want to take my control away from me, I can't trust my tablets at all, they make me so tired and I have no control over it - thats not a good thing at all, why are they making me take them when they have such horrible effects is that what they want??I'm freaking out I have my first teaching session tomorrow to a class of year 4 students - I really dont know how I'm going to do it, I'm already panicking about it and every time I think about it I end up having to work on my breathing. I haven't had a panic attack in quite a while and I don't want them to start again - I wish there was somewhere I could go to and just get out of this world!!
     
  15. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    Nobody can make you go to a mental hospital if you don't want to.

    I don't have much time to write more right now but I'll make time as soon as I can. Hang in there.
     
  16. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    How did your teaching session go today?
     
  17. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Hi saphire, Sorry haven't replied sooner had crappy day of apps and have spent today in bed trying to sleep off a bad hangover. Teaching was ok thanks, well the kids didn't scream at me or run out the room at least!Glad its over though. I screwed up last night, drank too much then got upset with a friend so I s/h, sorted that out then got dragged out with them. I dont remember much of the night apart from that I was crying alot and when I got back to my room I found a load of paracetomal tablets over my bed. I had brought them over the last week incase I needed them but I would never take them while I'm in my uni room. Can't believe I nearly did. Part of me is disapointed that I didn't just take them but the other part of me is abit scared about how easy it seemed last night and that I would have been at uni where my friends are. I just want to leave uni and everything. Sorry for going on x how are you? x
     
  18. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    I remember being really nervous thinking about having to do show and tell at school. haha I'd be afraid of standing in front of the class. But once I was actually in front of the class I was always really enjoying myself. So much so I didn't want to go back to my seat! lol Anyway, I'm glad it went well.

    I'm doing fine, thanks for asking. :) I just had a nice day at work today, I cleaned the house, worked on my music and fed the cat... lol Nothing special, really. I had an interesting meal, though. It had couliflower and mango in it. Which is an interesting combination!

    Btw, I know someone who has borderline and she's married now. She still has her bad days in the sense that she gets a little gloomy now and then but basically, she's a happy camper. I'm not an expert on borderline but it seems to me like it's something that one can learn to deal with and hence be happy in spite of it. There are so many people who've managed to become able to enjoy their lives in spite of some kind of disorder. Stephen Fry for instance is a manic depressive and he also has a good life... There's a lot of other examples.

    Hey, I have a couple of questions. Did you see your CPN last Wednesday? Also, has your DBT therapist replied to your drunken text?
     
  19. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Thank you for writing back and sending the msg, sorry haven't been on sooner, I had to go home and I cant risk going on here with my family around.
    yeah I was always petrified of standing infront of the class at school too, even more so now at uni - I'm quite good at avoiding it though :) I'm glad you enjoyed it, people say practice makes perfect or something like that. What sort of job do you do?working on music sounds good -do you play an intsrument?I love music, always like to have something on in the background. its great having a pet around, cats are the best companions, very closely followed by dogs. I got a puppy after getting out of hospital for the first time and she was like my best friend, wherever i was you were sure to find her too. Your tea combination sounds interesting lol, I'm quite fussy so dont think I'd be brave enough to try it. Hope it tasted nice though. Did you do the cooking? I'm worlds worst cook so seem to live off weight watchers meals :)

    No one has ever said that I've got Borderline Personality disorder for deffinate, it was just mentioned a few times when I started my therapy with my DBT therapist. My dr just said that I was feeling depressed and now she would see it as me not being positive enough and ruining my last chance!So its my fault for being like this, thats what makes me hate myself even more - why cant I just get myself sorted and get on with things like everyon else.

    Yeah I saw my CPN on wednesday, I couldn't tell her much I really cant trust them. It was safer for me to not say whats going on in my head, I said abit as she kept pushing but I shouldn't have said anything. She wants me to go back and see her again this wednesday but I dont think I should, I dont want to talk to her or anyone else about my thoughts and the what the voices say, its not safe and all they keep saying is that I need to take my antidepressants - like they're some magic pill that can be trusted!they dont understand, I dont know why they keep pushing them when all they do is take away your control. I haven't heard from my DBT therapist at all, she probably hates me but its a good thing as at least I dont have to worry about her doing anything if I haven't spoken to her. I just worry that she and my CPN will say or do something, they can't be trusted - it is best to just deal with it myself.
    Hope you had a good weekend and was able to have some time off work, sorry for talking about everything to you x
     
  20. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Ok so not sure if I did the right thing or not tonight, I just couldn't take anymore and was scared so decided to call the crisis team for help, called about 5times to start with and hung up quickly - just dont know if i can trust them then the 1st time I wait for them to answer, this women says that I will need to give her my name and name of my cpn so I just said it didn't matter. Things got harder so I went for a drive and ended up outside Asda supermarket, knew what I wanted to do but part of me wasn't sure so tried calling the crisis team again, I spoke to them this time with only having to give my first name so they weren't able to trace me on any previous records with them or anything. It kinda helped for abit to talk about some of the stuff thats been going on but I couldn't answer all of her questions as she would have just thought I was being stupid or have done something I dont know but couldnt trust anyone with that sort of information. She kept asking questions like who's your cpn, where do you live? have you been in hospital before like she was trying to figure out rest of my surname, but I didn't give her any names. Then at the end she said that she would have to tell my cpn that I had called and what we had talked about and that I need to go and see her, she said 'I think I've been to see you before' and asked again for my surname, after a while I said it. Now I'm really worried - did I do the right thing? I thought that it might help to talk things through with someone but now I feel worse and even more worried and paranoid they'l do something or decide I'm not fit to teach. If anyone ever found out what I've been planning or thinking, I'd rather give in sooner and end everything then be kicked out of uni by them
     
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