I don't think I can wait any longer.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by winduptoy, Nov 17, 2012.

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  1. winduptoy

    winduptoy Active Member

    I've been on dozens of antidepressants. None of them help.

    My girlfriend acts like she hates me half the time. She's coming off her meds because her doctor is irresponsible and had her on a medication that can be deadly for over a decade. I tried to offer suggestions that I thought might be helpful for dealing with withdrawal and all she did was yell at me for acting like I knew it all when I've never been in her particular situation. (No, but I've done other types of drug withdrawal, and I've read a lot about all kinds of psych drugs.) Then she got mad at me because lately I get upset at things she says a lot and she feels like she always has to apologize.

    Well first of all most of the things she assumes I think or believe about her or her life are simply not true. And she knows I'm extremely fragile right now. I try not to get so upset over things, but I can't seem to help it. She keeps saying she doesn't want to break up with me, but I know she does. It's just a matter of time. I'm just ruining her life. She'll be better off with me gone.

    I don't want to get help. I don't want to try more drugs or go back to therapy. I just want this shit to be over. Usually when I'm suicidal, I feel scared about trying to die. Now I feel determined. I don't have many methods available to me, but I hope I can make something work.

    I feel bad that if I succeed, my mother will be the one to find me. She doesn't deserve that. But in life we don't get what we deserve.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 17, 2012
  2. wecouldfightcrime

    wecouldfightcrime Active Member

    wow. you sound so much like how my boyfriend would sound if he joined this forum!

    (that's not a bad thing, my boyfriend is a lovely lovely guy)

    well here's me from your girlfriends point of view i guess, ('cus i feel like i am quite similar to her), basically if she's like me, she'll seem like she's trying to break up with you but trust me she isn't. seriously. i shout at my boyfriend all the time telling him things like 'WHY IS IT ALWAYS MY FAULT?!' and 'I FEEL LIKE I'M THE ONE ALWAYS CONSTANTLY APOLOGIZING AND TRYING TO KEEP THINGS OKAY BETWEEN US'. when really he is the laidback one trying to keep me calm. it's ridiculous but i feel no control over anything. she probably doesn't mean any of it but has no other way of lashing out ('cus it's not like she can tell you that you're a shit guy or anything because you're not and she knows it) so just picks on the little things. my boyfriend gets upset at little things that he knows is stupid but can't help (kinda like you?) and it frustrates him, and me.

    i may of got that completely wrong. if so i'm sorry!

    but i suggest.....sitting down when you both are in an okay mood and calm. sit together on a sofa with a big glass of orange juice and some cookies and talk through everything. i mean everything. but support each other and don't lash out at each other.

    sounds impossible. but it will work. if you ever want to talk, i'm always around to message, please do so :) we can be friends. good luck xxxxxx
  3. winduptoy

    winduptoy Active Member

    I'm actually a girl so I don't think I'm secretly your boyfriend ;) The well wishes are appreciated. I'm just frustrated because she hated it when I'd get angry and fight with her, so I stopped doing that, but now my natural response to feeling upset is to cry. People think I'm being passive-aggressive but I can't help it.

    I think I would mind less if people got pissed off at me for things I was actually trying to say or do, but every time it seems like a huge miscommunication and I end up hating myself for failing at something as basic as saying what I mean. Anyway, it's not her fault. I don't mean to make it sound like it is.

    I almost made it out today. But I had the knot tied the wrong way the first tries, then when I tried to look up how to do it right, my cat started howling outside the door...if I don't let her in she'll wake my mother and then I'm caught...so I let her in, finally got it done right, but the stress of everything knocked me back into panic mode and I couldn't let it finish. Tonight, maybe. When everyone's asleep I might be calmer again. Just eighteen hours from now. I can make it that long.
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I truly hope you reconsider and take the advice given, which was to sit down with your girlfriend and have a long talk about what's been going on. Ni fighting, just talking and listening to each other's points of view. It really can help to get things out in the open.

    I know people don't always get what they deserve in life. But I ALSO know someone who found his mother after she had taken her own life. He is still, 25 years later, going through counseling, trying different combinations of meds, and is living an absolute nightmare. Please try to work things out with your girlfriend so that you can find hapiness, and so you can spare your mother that never-ending pain.
  5. wecouldfightcrime

    wecouldfightcrime Active Member

    hah that first bit made me giggle! same principle applies though. i'm still like your girlfriend in ways. don't think about the 'getting out' just now. please please just talk to your girlf first! you can't leave her 'hanging' (oh god that's the worst pun ever i'm sorry it were definately unintentional) you've gotta sort things out first come on!

    and yeah. i guess that happened with us too. at first we would just settle disagreements by getting angry, but then something changed and now if we disagree, he gets angry and i get upset (which is weird i know)

  6. winduptoy

    winduptoy Active Member

    Ah, that's not so bad. There was an entry on failbook (wonder if that site's still about) a while back...someone posted a status update on behalf of a bloke who'd tried to kill himself. Nearly every response was some variation on "hang in there..." I'll let you guess how he tried to do it! Awkward...

    I just don't think she loves me any more. At least not in the in love with me way. I'm too much stress, too difficult to deal with. Not that I blame her. But she's all I've got, so.

    <mod edit - Methods>
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 17, 2012
  7. yep

    yep Well-Known Member

    You have said that half of the time you have problems with your girlfriend. So there is the other half when you have no problems but you enjoy been with her. So far, you only talk about the glass of water half empty and you talk about killing yourself for it. Can you say what is the good part of your relationship with your girlfriend. It is just sad that if you decide to kill yourself, you will not able to see how this crisis pass and enjoy the relationship with your current girlfriend or any girlfriend in the future or anyone else in your life including your mother.
  8. winduptoy

    winduptoy Active Member

    To be honest, we only tend to fight when we're both in a bad place mentally - we rarely fight when one or both of us is functional. So it's not even half the time, it's a very small percentage of the time. The problem is...I don't know. I feel like the bad things are all anyone ever sees about me. So I try harder and harder to be perfect and never get mad or act in a bad way, but I never succeed.
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