I've always been the girl that people could love. Then I would push them so far away they would hate me. After I realize what I've done I run away because I know I've hurt them. They only loved who they thought they knew. When they get to know me I start to feel vulnerable and seem to sabotage it. I'm so tired of this cycle. I've lost relationship after relationship from me running. These people were always willing to give me the world. The way I see it they only wanted what they couldn't have because I wouldn't give in. It hurts because i hate hurting people. There just isn't one ounce of me that is willing to give someone the chance to do it to me. This has caused so much pain and confusion in my life. I don't talk to my family much because I don't want them to know how I'm doing. They never really cared before. I put my friends and romantic interests before them. I still always end up pushing them away. Somehow I always end up feeling vulnerable and insignificant. I have never met someone like myself. It horrifies me. I just want to know what it's like to care without fear. I wanna know how to hold on without sabotaging. I think deep down I don't believe I deserve to be happy or cared about. Yet there is a part of me that knows humans don't commit. People lie, steal, want what they can't have, and get bored when they get what they want. It's such a consistent pattern I've watched. I don't know how to allow that in my life anymore. I just don't want to hold myself back either. I don't want to hurt people anymore though. These people don't even know how much I care about them or need them. Only because I can't bring myself to let them know. I feel like the minute I ever have or that I start to it just gets abused. Is there anyone else out there like me?