I don't know what is real anymore. I think everyone is following me. I think helicopters and airplanes are always following me. I think it's Homeland Security or the NSA or something. I think the CIA or researchers are sending me messages through the tv and radio. I think they're using electromagnetic weaponry and mind control technologies on me. I can't tell what's real anymore. I sleep all day, and alcohol is really the only thing that helps me ignore it all. It helps me escape. I've had a lot of weird things happen to me, and now I can't trust doctors, therapists or hospitals. I REALLY think they're controlling my mind and my dreams and my life. I think it's some form of secret science and covert operations. I want to be normal again, but I hate myself now. I literally live in my bed, and it's disgusting. I don't have the ability to change though. I hate living like this. I feel like people are spying on me everywhere. I talk to myself so much, because I think people can hear me. It's like I try to ignore the real world, and when I wake up- it's too late. I'm stuck in these delusions no matter how much I tell myself they're not real. I just know some of them ARE REAL. The problem is they're exaggerated. Now I'm preoccupied with these thoughts and my whole personality has changed. I feel safe when I'm asleep. I feel overwhelmed even though I don't even live anymore. It's hard for me to do normal daily activities. I know I'm programmed. It's psychological torture at its finest. What does programmed mean? I don't know. It feels like being programmed to self-destruct. It's like I'm a clock, my brain. Everything relates to 9/11. I just don't know why. That's why I wonder if it's the military doing this. I suppose it's research, but I can't take it anymore . I mean, I can't tell what's real and what's not anymore. It has lingering effects. I mean, the problem is debilitating, whatever it is. Sometimes I think my brain has been compromised, but I know it's circumstantial either way. I really can't live like this anymore. When I "wake up", I feel consumed. I don't know how to fix the problem. I feel like they're controlling my mind and my dreams. Then I finally wake up after months and months of sleeping, and I see I'm living in a spider web. I'm just sitting here. I can't move. Literally, I have spiders taking over my bedroom, and i've been there for so long yet couldn't see. I'm afraid to move in my own bedroom, because I don't want to disturb the spiders. My point is...there everywhere. Its disgusting. They won't stop breeding. I'm a guest in THEIR HOME. I can't even kill them... Maybe none of this makes sense to you, but it is very real for me. Every word. I'm being spied on constantly, AND my own bedroom (the only place I feel safe) is infested with spiders. My kitty deserves better. I truly think they're controlling my mind, and I can't even escape them in my dreams. I don't want to die. I just don't know if I'll change. I don't think meds or anything will ever change my way of thinking. It seems impossible. No one knows how aggravating it can be- not being able to tell what's real and what's not. I even surprise myself. Sometimes I hint at people about what I think, but they never respond. They just blow it off, so I don't say anything else. I wish they knew that it's not changing. I can't make it stop . All I can do is sleep. I'm NOT a threat to national security, and I wish they'd stop acting like I am. I might have said some weird things in the past, but I'm freaking harmless.