I Don't Think I'll Ever Be Sane Again

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Forget2Trust, May 11, 2014.

  1. Forget2Trust

    Forget2Trust Active Member

    I don't know what is real anymore. I think everyone is following me. I think helicopters and airplanes are always following me. I think it's Homeland Security or the NSA or something. I think the CIA or researchers are sending me messages through the tv and radio. I think they're using electromagnetic weaponry and mind control technologies on me. I can't tell what's real anymore. I sleep all day, and alcohol is really the only thing that helps me ignore it all. It helps me escape. I've had a lot of weird things happen to me, and now I can't trust doctors,
    therapists or hospitals. I REALLY think they're controlling my mind and my dreams and my life. I think it's some form of secret science and covert operations. I want to be normal again, but I hate myself now. I literally live in my bed, and it's disgusting. I don't have the ability to change though. I hate living like this. I feel like people are spying on me everywhere. I talk to myself so much, because I think people can hear me. It's like I try to ignore the real world, and when I wake up- it's too late. I'm stuck in these delusions no matter how much I tell myself they're not real. I just know some of them ARE REAL. The problem is they're exaggerated. Now I'm preoccupied with these thoughts and my whole personality has changed. I feel safe when I'm asleep. I feel overwhelmed even though I don't even live anymore. It's hard for me to do normal daily activities. I know I'm programmed. It's psychological torture at its finest. What does programmed mean? I don't know. It feels like being programmed to self-destruct. It's like I'm a clock, my brain. Everything relates to 9/11. I just don't know why. That's why I wonder if it's the military doing this. I suppose it's research, but I can't take it anymore . I mean, I can't tell what's real and what's not anymore. It has lingering effects. I mean, the problem is debilitating, whatever it is. Sometimes I think my brain has been compromised, but I know it's circumstantial either way.

    I really can't live like this anymore. When I "wake up", I feel consumed. I don't know how to fix the problem. I feel like they're controlling my mind and my dreams. Then I finally wake up after months and months of sleeping, and I see I'm living in a spider web. I'm just sitting here. I can't move. Literally, I have spiders taking over my bedroom, and i've been there for so long yet couldn't see. I'm afraid to move in my own bedroom, because I don't want to disturb the spiders. My point is...there everywhere. Its disgusting. They won't stop breeding. I'm a guest in THEIR HOME. I can't even kill them...

    Maybe none of this makes sense to you, but it is very real for me. Every word. I'm being spied on constantly, AND my own bedroom (the only place I feel safe) is infested with spiders. My kitty deserves better. I truly think they're controlling my mind, and I can't even escape them in my dreams.

    I don't want to die. I just don't know if I'll change. I don't think meds or anything will ever change my way of thinking. It seems impossible.

    No one knows how aggravating it can be- not being able to tell what's real and what's not. I even surprise myself. Sometimes I hint at people about what I think, but they never respond. They just blow it off, so I don't say anything else. I wish they knew that it's not changing. I can't make it stop . All I can do is sleep.

    I'm NOT a threat to national security, and I wish they'd stop acting like I am. I might have said some weird things in the past, but I'm freaking harmless.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope that you do talk openly with your doctor ok it is the only way you can get the right treatment to stop all the thoughts and fears in your mind hugs
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. I hope with all my heart that you will talk with your doctor about whats happening. The right doctor can help with this. So you can get some relief. You deserve better than to live this way. I hope you will keep posting. AND I hope you will turn to a doctor.
  4. Forget2Trust

    Forget2Trust Active Member

    Thanks. I don't think it's going to change much, because I know people ARE following me. Anyway, thanks for the response.
  5. Forget2Trust

    Forget2Trust Active Member

    Thanks for the response.
  6. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    I also hope you go to someone who you can talk with about your feelings and thoughts. If you have a doctor that you see regularly, talk with this doctor.

    If you don't have a regular doctor, talk to the emergency room at the hospital nearest you. By phone, or by going there yourself. If you feel like you are in danger right now, call 911 and ask for a doctor or police officer to come to you.

    A doctor can help you more than I can.

    I agree that it is real for you. Your fears are based in reality, to some extent. But they are something that doctors see in many other people. You are not crazy or bad or anything like that. But you may have a medical condition that needs treatment by a doctor.

    You CAN trust the doctors and hospitals in Alabama. While young, they spend years at school studying how to help people solve problems that happen in their bodies and minds. I think most of them would be glad to help you about your health care needs.
  7. Forget2Trust

    Forget2Trust Active Member

    To be honest, I don't have insurance. It's just too expensive now. Plus, there ARE people following me, so I'm just going to look completely crazy. I understand some of my delusions might actually be delusions, but I know for a fact I'm being watched and followed constantly. It's just really hard on someone over time. There's not really much a doctor can do for me. Meds? For what when it won't change the fact that people ARE following me. Therapy? How is that going to change the fact that people are following me? Those meds aren't necessary. I understand my half-delusions could be wrong, and i'm working on them. It WON'Tchange thr fact that ppeople are following me, and now my paranoia is exaggerated. I will always be looking over my shoulder, and I will always wonder who I can trust or can't trust.

    At this point, I don't think nurses or doctors are trustworthy if I tell them what I'm really thinking. Why? Because it deals with national security. I can't do anything about it. I'm sick of airplanes constantly flying over my head, hovering over my hed for no reason other than to make me look freaking crazy. I'm sick of it .
  8. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    I don't know if a doctor will prescribe medication or what kind of therapy. I'm not a doctor. I don't have insurance, either, and I'm past 50 when you begin really needing more health and dental care. I realize that how much a doctor can do varies--sometimes they can't do much, but usually they can help. Medicine is better now than it was 25 or 50 years ago.

    One thing--By law, the emergency room must see everyone who comes in, whether they have money or insurance or not. If there is a medical problem, they must provide treatment or arrange for it. If it's too expensive, you can declare bankruptcy later if you have to. A good credit score won't help you much without good health to enjoy it.

    Like you, I don't really know for sure who I can or can't trust. But that's how it goes. I can't do everything for myself, so I must take chances and go to other people for things I need.

    We are humans with brains. The brain is a physical organ that gives us awareness about the world and control over our bodies. And like the heart or kidneys or any physical organ, its function and health can change at any time. I think that is why we go to the doctor.

    Again, you deserve the best things in life. Please do go to the doctor. :)
  9. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I agree with Hatshepsut, please go and see your doctor like they advise. I can relate to what you write, and it certainly seems to me that medications will help you, as well as being able to talk about all your fears to a counsellor. It will be worth the expense involved, believe me. All the best, we wish you well :)
  10. Forget2Trust

    Forget2Trust Active Member

    What if I'm telling the truth? What if people ARE watching and following me?
  11. Forget2Trust

    Forget2Trust Active Member

    Thanks, but there are no meds for this...
  12. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    You're welcome. But you won't really know if there are medications or not until you talk about it with a doctor. I really don't think anyone will follow you while you seek help.

    What you write here is valued. Other people posting replies to your thread seem to be saying that they have experienced the same things you are experiencing now. Going to see a doctor helped them. It will help you, too.

    No one here can make you go to a doctor. No one here can help you directly. It's up to you. But please call or visit a doctor.
    Last edited: May 12, 2014
  13. Forget2Trust

    Forget2Trust Active Member

    Are you trying to tell me these are students or mental health peope following me?!?! They've been plotting against me, so that I will go see a doctor? They thought they could "gang stalk" me enough until I seek therapy, because I was talking about national security??? I freaking knew it! That's psychological torture! Why didn't they just go work for the CIA where they belong?!?! They torture people for a living! They would have enjoyed that much better than "helping people" . And you wonder why I don't trust doctors! Because THEY'RE the one torturing me now!*Plus, the government!
  14. Forget2Trust

    Forget2Trust Active Member

    It won't change the fact that I have people following me. I've been to the hospital twice and several doctors. It never changes. It's the same people following me.
  15. Forget2Trust

    Forget2Trust Active Member

    And it's Homeland Security's fault. They're the ones who called me. They're the ones who said "Homeland Security IS your school". Wtf?!?! Then he said something about how my house doesn't have to be clean all the time. Out of the blue!! How did he know that?!?! It's their faut! Plus whoever is watching me in the sky and following me by car. I really think I looked up too much information online, and I thought this trucking business was into drug trafficking and human trafficking. I don't know why. I think that could have been why Homeland called me. Maybe I was looking up stuff I wasn't supposed to. I'm so confused.
  16. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Well, the biggest word in that question is IF :)

    Unless you can categorically come up with some physical proof, there is the possibility/probability to consider that this worry is something that is being manufactured by your mind, and for that you really do need to see a professional who understands these things and can advise you accordingly. Blessings and strength :)
  17. Forget2Trust

    Forget2Trust Active Member

    Well, of course I have proof about people following me and watching me. Do I have proof that people can read my mind? Uh....no. There's nothing I can do about the people follow me and surveillance.
  18. I think in your condition it's very hard for you to see that it's all in your mind (don't throw rocks at me). But I am 100% mentally good (no real mental illness) and I know that people aren't following you, especially in the way you're saying. The first step towards getting better is to actually see that it is in fact your mind that is doing everything to you. But maybe it doesn't work so easy.

    Actually from what you're saying it seems that you are a troll (sorry), by that I mean that you're not serious in your reply. Because it's so obvious to me that you are ill. The thing with being mentally ill, maybe paranoid something which can be your case, is that you really can't see yourself that you are ill.

    "I just know some of them ARE REAL. The problem is they're exaggerated.". If you know that you are mentally ill at some level, why would you also be the only one in the world people follow for no reason?