I am 43 and I don't think I will make it to 50. I have not used drugs (illegal) in my life but am now seriously considering it. When I was younger I called friends to tell them how sad I was and if I was suicidal. I wrote some suicide notes. Things have changed. Now I don't talk about it. It has become more serious not some suicidal drama. Leaving a suicide note just isn't gonna happen. To me, these are signs that it is getting closer to happening. I am not going to do any attempts. I will do it right. And right now I am in a bad state.