I don't think life is worth it anymore?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ssteinman, Feb 16, 2015.

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  1. ssteinman

    ssteinman New Member

    Hi, so, to make things short: I guess my life doesn't seem so bad on the outside. I attend an "elite" liberal arts college, I go out some weekends, I'm involved in a few groups on campus.

    However, I've been laboring under the weight of a crushing depression for my entire life, and it's hitting me especially hard right now. My father was an emotionally abusive bipolar so growing up I had an extremely unstable family dynamic, and my brother inherited his illness so that caused more tension in my family. I had chronic depression from 5th grade on, eating disorders, and overall low self-esteem, insecurity, anxiety, social anxiety.

    I can't relate to people my own age and I never really found my niche at my college so I feel like I have no friends (I have a handful of close friends but almost none are in my grade). Also this year my social anxiety has gotten really bad (I was outgoing freshman year, but not anymore). I tend to just withdraw in social situations, especially when everyone seems to know or be comfortable with each other. And I feel like people can pick up on my anxious vibes and stay away from me.

    I try to be fun around and all, and "be normal", but it's getting progressively harder. The apathy from my depression prevents me from caring about things. As a result, my grades are slipping and I'm doing a shit job at my work-study job, which involves a lot of people, and so I feel like a pariah because everyone knows I'm bad at my job and therefore doesn't really talk to me (they don't want to be associated with me). The only way I can get work done nowadays is when I take adderall, and even then it's harder, but it makes me feel like I used to, when I was excited to work and could apply myself and be sociable also.

    I just feel like I'm tired of waking up unhappy. I've never really woken up happy, or known what it's like to truly be happy, since I was a young child. Even when I'm happy and with people who make me happy it's fleeting, eventually I return to my default state, depressed.

    Everyone else is having so much fun here at college and can relate to people their own age and I feel like I have so much to deal with all the time. I'm just sort of done. I think about ending my life a lot. I don't know. What do people think?
  2. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    You say you are on Adderall so maybe you are seeing a therapist. If not, please find a therapist or counselor at school to help you through. It is important to do well with your grades since they help you get your first job in your field. Posting here helps but not like real life therapist. Maybe you need a change in prescription - sometimes your body gets used to the medication.
    Keep posting here -people really listen and try to help.
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