Hi, so, to make things short: I guess my life doesn't seem so bad on the outside. I attend an "elite" liberal arts college, I go out some weekends, I'm involved in a few groups on campus. However, I've been laboring under the weight of a crushing depression for my entire life, and it's hitting me especially hard right now. My father was an emotionally abusive bipolar so growing up I had an extremely unstable family dynamic, and my brother inherited his illness so that caused more tension in my family. I had chronic depression from 5th grade on, eating disorders, and overall low self-esteem, insecurity, anxiety, social anxiety. I can't relate to people my own age and I never really found my niche at my college so I feel like I have no friends (I have a handful of close friends but almost none are in my grade). Also this year my social anxiety has gotten really bad (I was outgoing freshman year, but not anymore). I tend to just withdraw in social situations, especially when everyone seems to know or be comfortable with each other. And I feel like people can pick up on my anxious vibes and stay away from me. I try to be fun around and all, and "be normal", but it's getting progressively harder. The apathy from my depression prevents me from caring about things. As a result, my grades are slipping and I'm doing a shit job at my work-study job, which involves a lot of people, and so I feel like a pariah because everyone knows I'm bad at my job and therefore doesn't really talk to me (they don't want to be associated with me). The only way I can get work done nowadays is when I take adderall, and even then it's harder, but it makes me feel like I used to, when I was excited to work and could apply myself and be sociable also. I just feel like I'm tired of waking up unhappy. I've never really woken up happy, or known what it's like to truly be happy, since I was a young child. Even when I'm happy and with people who make me happy it's fleeting, eventually I return to my default state, depressed. Everyone else is having so much fun here at college and can relate to people their own age and I feel like I have so much to deal with all the time. I'm just sort of done. I think about ending my life a lot. I don't know. What do people think?