I don't think there's any more hope

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenRoses, Nov 22, 2015.

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  1. GoldenRoses

    GoldenRoses Active Member

    We've officially exhausted every single option when it comes to finding a cure for my migraines. I've basically been told that my brain is hyper sensitive, and any small disturbance can trigger a migraine. Weather changes, eating too much or too little, hormones, smells, turning my head the wrong way, bright lights, certain types of lights, too much or not enough sleep... literally anything. When I think I've fixed one issue, another one (possibly uncontrollable) just brings the headache right back. No medications help. I have scoliosis and misaligned vertebrae too, treatment for that certainly doesn't help my head either.

    I've been told this is something I'm going to have to deal with indefinitely. Sometimes people grow out of it, but who knows how long that is going to take. I'm physically and mentally exhausted. It's not fair. I don't want to keep living if I'm going to have to endure this pain every single day for who knows how long.

    The worst is when people tell me all I need to do is manage my stress and suck up the pain. I wouldn't BE stressed if I didn't have headaches! And if it was as simple as just sucking up the pain and moving on, don't you think I would have done that already?? Do they think I WANT to be going to two doctors appointments a day, missing school, and dropping out of all activities I love?

    I feel like I was just a mistake. Sure, I have dreams and ambitions, but I'm never going to be able to achieve them like this. So why keep trying?
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I am sure you were not and are not "just a mistake." *hug* And no, being sick/unwell/in pain is not fair - not for people with migraines or anything else. :(

    I'm sorry you're dealing with migraines. I know from your previous posts you've been struggling with them. I'm not sure if you've tried any non-drug techniques. I still advocate ice packs and damp facecloths - they have been so helpful for me. Relaxation techniques can be good too. "Bio-feedback" - creating a specific response in our body through directed thinking is kind of cool. It's a way of visualizing a response and surprisingly enough, it often works. For me, I lay down in bed and focused on where the pain started in my head. Then, in rhythm with my heart, I would imagine the pain as an entity working through my body in my blood, until it reached my finger tips, and then I imagined it flowing out of my finger tips like heat or light. (I sort of "chased it out.") Visualizing that and concentrating on breathing deeply and slowly decreased the pain, relaxed my head and neck, and made it easier to get some sleep so the migraine went away sooner. I would find that the pain sort of dulled, and I could fall asleep.

    Many younger women have migraines during their teens that go away when all the adolescent/growing settles down. The menstrual cycle during our young adult years can be a bit erratic.

    I think it might help you to focus on your dreams - in spite of the headaches - rather than give up on your dreams. With these darned headaches, it can be good to create a pattern of doing lots of things we enjoy whenever we can. It's a way to tell ourselves that there is more in life than our headaches. And sometimes, by having good things, positive times, it actually increases the periods of time that we feel well and decreases the number of times we don't feel well.

    I know the headaches hurt and are frustrating. I hope you feel better soon. Please keep fighting and be strong. You are more than your headaches and many people do grow out of them or find ways to "cope with them." *big hugs*
  3. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    GoldenRoses, I am so sorry that you are in that much Pain, I can not even begin to imagine what you go through Who are these people telling you to suck up that pain? are they morons? I know that some can be thick but really? I want you to know that you are not a mistake! I think that you know that as well, it can be hard to understand some times, it is just the way life can be, my parents for a long time could not accept that I was having them, so I know how that must be for you, mine were not constant like yours are! I do know that a lot of people do grow out of them, I have to ask have you been through sound deprivation, I went through that and then allergy tests too, they have never found out what caused mine either, I hope that you can grow out of them in any case I really hope that you do not contemplate suicide, I know! I an dealing with A migraine issue now and sometimes I just want to scream and probably would if it did not hurt so much, I am light sensitive, sound, turning my head moving suddenly, I do get auras and I almost always can tell when one is going to start, I too have felt like you, please do not take any irreversible action, I truly think there is hope, there always is. Please be safe, Take Care Of Yourself, Be gentle too! You are in my thoughts a lot!
  4. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    Hold on!!!!
    Best wishes! Hugs
  5. GoldenRoses

    GoldenRoses Active Member

    I've tried everything. Cut out gluten, caffeine, chocolate, dairy, peanuts, and greatly reduced carb and sugar intake. Nothing. Went to a Chinese doctor who prescribed herbal pills (wanted me to take 42 every single day) but ended up causing major stomach issues. Tried biofeedback, didn't help. Seeing a therapist, doesn't help. The migraines are too intense for ice packs or even sleep to help anymore. Allergy tests werent helpful, and we're actually quite traumatic (I HATE needles).

    It's so hard to do anything. I CANT do anything. And because of that, I'm not going to get anywhere in life. I haven't been to school in 3 weeks. I've been out of all extracurricular activities for months.

    Why should people waste their time and money on me when it's not going to get better anyways?

    I'm sorry, I'm rambling now. Just frustrated. Thank you all for the kind words and wishes.
  6. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    GoldenRoses, You don't have to apologize for anything, You can Ramble, you can yell and scream or anything on here, I, we all understand You can and should be frustrated, we can understand and feel it ourselves, I am sure that many people on here would like to help if they could! I certainly understand all of the feelings, I was going to mention acupuncture, I see that you have an aversion to needles so that is out then! We will still be here for you, we, The people of the Forum will not give up on you! We will be here for you! I do not want you to give up on yourself, Please. I know it is a lot to ask, ask someone to keep Holding On, we are not suffering your pain, I have not, I hope that I never do. I can empathize with you! That is all I can do for now! I wish I could offer you more Then Kind Words and Wishes! I will say there is always hope!
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, GoldenRoses. Chronic Daily Headaches (CDH) kind of branch out from migraine and nasty tension headaches. They often come about because the person keeps taking meds...and more meds...more than two times a week for a headache. The headache becomes chronic and the meds don't seem to help. One website I went to said it's more like a "chronic pain condition than a headache problem" (even though the pain is a headache). Perhaps a pain specialist would be able to give you some suggestions and help?

    I found a couple of site that talk about CDH. They review a number of the things you've tried and explain a couple of other things that might help. One big issue is that depression feeds these headaches and these headaches feed depression, and depression can make us feel more "sensitive" to pain and it can begin the cycle. Finding a good therapist who understands us and the headaches and chronic pain issues might help.

    Here are links to the pages about CDH: one is from the Johns Hopkins group link here; and the other, from the Mayo Clinic, link here.

    Many people do grow out of migraines. I hope that happens for you. In the meantime, even if the ice packs, biofeedback, avoiding triggers don't work 100%, the best thing to do with a migraine is to rest, avoid activities that make it worse, and when we feel well, do things we must do and things we enjoy.

    And maybe you could look into seeing a counsellor and/or pain specialist who has helped others with chronic pain issues.

    You are still fighting these headaches - I know you are because you're talking to us about them. And because you are still fighting them, maybe look into the counselling and pain specialist who could offer you support and the latest in pain management. We can offer moral support here - a counsellor and a pain specialist can tailor actual treatments to your needs.

    I really, really hope you will read the articles and look into finding a pain specialist and a counsellor who deals with pain management. Please take good care of yourself. I hope you feel much better soon! *hug*
  8. GoldenRoses

    GoldenRoses Active Member

    Do you believe we are destined to meet certain people in our lifetime? That those people are there for a reason, and not just a coincidence? Because I believe that's exactly what's happened here.

    Acy, I have never even heard of CDH before, but it describes me almost perfectly. No doctor has been able to make the connections -- I'm already hyper sensitive, took a lot of antibiotics and pain receivers growing up (I used to have strep 4-6 times per year until I got my tonsils out -- lots of meds for that), and natural a type-A personality. My headaches started episodic, but as the triggers kept on growing (using more meds, hormone changes, more stressors, etc), it evolved into the constant pain described in the articles. I don't have a treatable underlying condition, so nothing will get the pain to budge. No diagnosis has made so much sense -- I think we've finally found an answer.

    But, since it's practically incurable, now comes the difficult step of trying to somehow live with the pain. I am certain this was not caused by depression or chronic anxiety alone. Yes, I am a perfectionist that can be hard on myself at times, but I was never truly stressed until the migraines started getting intolerable. I admit I do think I've fallen into the spiral now, can you blame me? I can't get anything done because of the pain, so then I get stressed, which intensifies the headache, which completely incapacitates me, which makes me not want to keep living.

    I am seeing a counselor who works with lots of adolescents with chronic pain. She's been trying to do exactly what you've recommended -- focus on things that make me smile. It works sometimes, but the problem is, I just can't get it out of my mind that I always have something more important to do. I can't waste my time "playing games" when I also have all my school work to makeup. I guess that's one hurdle I'll have to overcome myself...

    I went to school today, and it took all of my energy not to start bawling, throw up, or pass out because of the pain. I have no idea how I'm going to be able do the same thing tomorrow. And the next day. It's even harder to bare through because you can't see, or measure the pain.

    I'm seeing my counselor tomorrow, she'll be really intrigued to hear about this too. While it doesn't fix the problem, being able to put a name to it (and actually know that it's a true condition) is, for lack of a better word, comforting. You are a blessing, Acy. I cannot thank you enough.
  9. GoldenRoses

    GoldenRoses Active Member

    It's currently 1:00am and I'm in absolutely excruciating pain. Nothing I can do. I don't know how I'm going to keep living like this.
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    *hugs* I hope the night wasn't too bad for you. Sf is here by your side to help and support you, keep us updated on how you are because we care :)
  11. GoldenRoses

    GoldenRoses Active Member

    Thank you, thank you. True-Lee, I've been meaning to ask how you've been yourself? I know you struggle with migraines yourself... It's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. :(

    I FINALLY got some relief this evening, no idea how or why. My guess is a crazy change in the weather sparked this intense migraine, because it was definitely different than a normal headache. I have no way of knowing if I'll still feel good tomorrow, which is also very frustrating.

    I still always have this tinge of guilt after I complain to anyone, even posting on here. It's not going to help my head, it doesn't make me feel better afterwards, and I'm just putting a burden on someone else. I don't want people to worry about me... but I don't want to be forgotten either, if that makes sense? I wish I could just stay quiet and put on a happy face like I used to, but the headaches have just gotten so bad to where I physically can't. I really don't tell people what's going on though, mainly just my parents and you guys. I just feel bad because there are people in worse situations I'm sure, that you could be helping. But instead a complaining kid is taking up everyone's time. :/

    I've been told that keeping your emotions pent up is not healthy... so why do I always feel worse when I let them out? I'm sorry, I'm usually not this self centered.
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