well, like the title says i don't understand what is happening to me. and i don't know what i am supposed to do. my moods are all over the place. yesterday i was standing on the subway platform when it came to me how easy it would be to jump. i decided against it 'cos even though i want to take my life, i didn't want to traumatize the driver of the train. for the last week i have been planning my death, feeling quite calm about it, but today i feel the fog lifting a little bit and i feel almost normal. wtf is going on? am i supposed to do it or not? last friday, before my nerve left me completely, i went to the doctor at the local walk-in clinic and told him how i was feeling, including that i was feeling pretty suicidal. he referred me to the mood disorders clinic at camh, which is the centre for addiction and mental health here in toronto. i don't know how long it takes for the referral to happen but i know i need help sooner rather than later. i am not sure what else i should be doing, other than staying away from train tracks. yesterday i was so certain, like 100% certain, that killing myself was the right thing to do. today i am not so sure. but this window of normalcy passes very quickly, and the fog comes back. the background, for those of you who don't know me, is that i made an attempt in december last year. i have recently moved back to canada from ireland. i was getting outpatient treatment in ireland but haven't really found any supports here in canada, but i'm trying. i'm on a mood stabilizer and anti-psychotic and am still taking my meds as prescribed. the diagnosis was depression, but a few of the doctor's said they suspect bipolar but are taking a "wait and see" approach. my biggest problem - right now - is that i don't believe that i deserve a fresh start here in canada and because of my criminal record (something relatively minor, 15 years ago), i am having a hard time finding work. this feeling of not being worthy, of not deserving a new start taps into a deep well of self-hatred (leftover from childhood abuse). i feel like there is a blizzard going round and round my head and it is crowding out all of the good stuff. i would be really grateful for any advice you guys can give me to see me through this terrible time. and cheers to anyone who managed to read through this really long post. c.