i don't understand what is happening to me

[dazzle11215]

well, like the title says i don't understand what is happening to me. and i don't know what i am supposed to do.

my moods are all over the place. yesterday i was standing on the subway platform when it came to me how easy it would be to jump. i decided against it 'cos even though i want to take my life, i didn't want to traumatize the driver of the train. for the last week i have been planning my death, feeling quite calm about it, but today i feel the fog lifting a little bit and i feel almost normal. wtf is going on? am i supposed to do it or not?

last friday, before my nerve left me completely, i went to the doctor at the local walk-in clinic and told him how i was feeling, including that i was feeling pretty suicidal. he referred me to the mood disorders clinic at camh, which is the centre for addiction and mental health here in toronto. i don't know how long it takes for the referral to happen but i know i need help sooner rather than later.

i am not sure what else i should be doing, other than staying away from train tracks. yesterday i was so certain, like 100% certain, that killing myself was the right thing to do. today i am not so sure. but this window of normalcy passes very quickly, and the fog comes back.

the background, for those of you who don't know me, is that i made an attempt in december last year. i have recently moved back to canada from ireland. i was getting outpatient treatment in ireland but haven't really found any supports here in canada, but i'm trying. i'm on a mood stabilizer and anti-psychotic and am still taking my meds as prescribed. the diagnosis was depression, but a few of the doctor's said they suspect bipolar but are taking a "wait and see" approach. my biggest problem - right now - is that i don't believe that i deserve a fresh start here in canada and because of my criminal record (something relatively minor, 15 years ago), i am having a hard time finding work. this feeling of not being worthy, of not deserving a new start taps into a deep well of self-hatred (leftover from childhood abuse). i feel like there is a blizzard going round and round my head and it is crowding out all of the good stuff.

i would be really grateful for any advice you guys can give me to see me through this terrible time. and cheers to anyone who managed to read through this really long post.

c.

 

[famous.last.words]

hey,

after all the help and kind words you give others i wish i knew what to say. Im so glad to hear that you didnt attempt and that you went to the doctors instead.

Its not your time, im sure of it.

if you need a friend, you have one here anytime. i just wish i could do more. :hug:

 

[GabrielConroy]

I can't really give any advice because I have a similar problem. I was certain that I wanted to kill myself for two months, I even chose the college I went to because I thought that my death would impact my friends and family less. When I got here things just started going really well and I thought life was great and I was gonna be happy finally. Now im kinda back where I was so Im as confused as you are.

You're not alone in having this problem

 

[Petal]

Hi Catherine, I'm sorry to hear things aren't going too well for you in Canada. I hope you find the support you need there soon. You always have SF to lean on :hug: Maybe it would help if you rang a family member to explain your situation. Im sorry I don't have any advice for you hun, I really wish there was something I could do to help. If you need to talk please PM me :hug:

 

[gentlelady]

You do deserve a second chance despite your background Catherine. People make mistakes. The important thing is that you learned from it and won't repeat it. The fact that you are still concerned about traumatizing others says you are not completely committed to losing your life. Doubts remain. Push to get help as soon as you can. Remember it is the disease that makes you want to take your life. It lies to you. Don't let it make choices. :hug:

 

[Stranger1]

Hey Catherine,
Have you tried any of the newspapers to see if they can use a good photographer? It would be great if they did. Something right up your alley.
I know how tuff it is not to be able to find work. My daughter has been here for about a month and half. She hasn't been able to find work other than a few hours every couple of days at a pizza joint.
Florida is giving her a hard time to get her license here to do peoples hair. She is ready to give up and find a job doing something else. Well I hope things get better soon!! Just remember you have plenty of shoulders here who will listen to you!! Take Care!!:chopper:!!

 

[Dave_N]

Hi dazzle. I'm so glad that you didn't jump in front of a subway train and instead chose to stay here with us and try to get better. I live in the GTA and I've heard of the camh center on the radio. It sounds like a nice place. And I know that it's hard finding a decent job here in Canada. The economy is in a slump right now. I should be teaching full time, but instead am still a supply teacher. Please don't give up hope. :hug:

 

[dazzle11215]

well i go back to the doctor tomorrow; the hospital sent back the referral form to him as he needs to put more info down in the section about my mental health history. the hospital says once they receive the form it will be a 2 month wait, on average. i seriously doubt i will last two months, let alone 2 weeks. i have two good friends who are trying to help get me some other supports, like a therapist to see me through this time. they are good friends, persistent, with a wide network so i have a little hope. if only these feelings would leave me. for now, tonight, i am happy to sit back and observe but not act. but i don't know how long this approach will last. i feel certain in my heart that one day i will take that final step.

 

[fromthatshow]

i have two good friends who are trying to help get me some other supports, like a therapist to see me through this time.

That is good that you have friends to help you through this. It makes all the difference.
Good luck finding a therapist. I'm sure it will be helpful.
:hug: Be well

 

[Starlite]

:hug:

 

[dazzle11215]

thx, guys.

gentlelady, i just keep repeating your words: it's just the disease, and the disease lies. i think i already have learned this once, but somehow in this relapse i keep forgetting it. every reminder is welcome.

 

[mortdesinos]

I remember when you felt similarly to this when you were in Ireland. You had recently joined. You were resilient and got through that tough time. Keep fighting. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but before I was diagnosed, it was annoying to be suspected as having bp. So, I know how that is. Take things day by day. You might be surprised at how quickly your mood improves. Best of luck.

 

[Stranger1]

Hello Catherine,
I'm sorry to hear how bad things are going for you. I am really glad to have made a friend such as yourself. You have always had a kind word to others here who are walking that thin line.
When you were in Ireland you were such a strong voice and you helped me to realize that there is always another stone to overturn! Did you find an apartment yet? I know once you do, it is just a matter of time that you will be strong again.
Why don't you send a portfolio to some of the major magazines in Canada and the USA. Maybe one of them will recognise your talent!! I will hold you in my thoughts and offer you a shoulder to cry on or just to vent so you can get rid of some of those negatives!! Please stay safe!! there are several people here on the forum who are proud to call you friend!!! Keep posting and we will try and help. As always we are here for you so take care and if you need to talk just PM me!! Take It One Step At A Time!!:chopper:!!