Empathy Only I don't understand why I don't try to kill myself

[JustifiedFlaw]

It's all I want. I want to die. Life is definitely not worth living. At least mine is not.
I wanted to die for like 25 years now and I I still haven't made a true suicide attempt.
Why?

Like I once went to walk on the railroad tracks with the intention of laying in front of a train, but I turned back.
I was listening to Dark side of the moon, and it just seemed dumb to go trough with it.

I am on a leave of absence from work, but I know someday I will have to go back. If not to that job then another.
I can push myself into working, but it always requires me pushing myself and I get tired. Eventually I can't push myself anymore and I have to go back to the doctors.
It's just too much, I can't do it constantly. I prefer to die.
And I don't see myself on Social Assistance, trying to find 5 cents so I can buy bread.

I don't see any options that are reasonable.

 

[Thauoy]

Hi there @JustifiedFlaw. Welcome to SF. Seems like you are having a hard time. I feel sorry for what you are going through. Think that someone does care about the hurt you feel. Remember you are important and please be safe. Here in SF, you can find a lot of people including me who can relate with you and understand your suffering. Please keep posted and share your feelings. It's nice to meet you virtually. See you on SF. Best wishes and HUGS.

 

[JustifiedFlaw]

It hit me yesterday how much I am depressed. I don't have the symptoms I would expect, like having trouble getting out of bed. I am hyperactive, ADHD, and I am very demanding of myself.

The doctors and therapist talk to me about anxiety, rigidness, pressure I put on myself, trouble understanding my feelings, they never talked to me about depression.

Then I filled out the Beck Depression Inventory: https://www.ismanet.org/doctoryourspirit/pdfs/Beck-Depression-Inventory-BDI.pdf

I got a 41, which is "Extreme depression". No wonder I am anxious, my view is completely distorted by being depressed.
I didn't understand how others get trough the day, now it makes more sense. They don't have this distorted view that makes everything I have to do seem like climbing Everest 10 times.

 

[Bergerac]

It hit me yesterday how much I am depressed. I don't have the symptoms I would expect, like having trouble getting out of bed. I am hyperactive, ADHD, and I am very demanding of myself.

The doctors and therapist talk to me about anxiety, rigidness, pressure I put on myself, trouble understanding my feelings, they never talked to me about depression.

Then I filled out the Beck Depression Inventory: https://www.ismanet.org/doctoryourspirit/pdfs/Beck-Depression-Inventory-BDI.pdf

I got a 41, which is "Extreme depression". No wonder I am anxious, my view is completely distorted by being depressed.
I didn't understand how others get trough the day, now it makes more sense. They don't have this distorted view that makes everything I have to do seem like climbing Everest 10 times.

I can relate to this, actually. I have had some of the stereotypical symptoms of depression, but they seemed to subside and what was left, bore no obvious relation to the original depression criteria, that we hear about.

I later developed a dissatisfaction with the appearance of my body, my work etc. Like a form of 'perfectionism' I suppose, or at the very least, some form of restlessness towards life. I often stumble around the day, looking for something of interest, to reach an expectation I've set myself, but I am mostly disappointed. I find I almost have to create my own pathetic little dramas. I am lost.

But, as you say, we could 'umbrella' all these things, and link them back to depression, undiagnosed.

I think mine stems from a lack of the core structures: stable family, friends, good job etc. So, I look for things elsewhere and my mind is never at peace. (Well, rarely). A purpose, in short, a sense of belonging.

I honestly believe it's rare for anyone to have a completely logical view of life and an upbeat look at it, all the time. The earth/life doesn't properly come a live for that many people, I wouldn't think.

I believe you probably stop yourself from committing suicide for a number of reasons, including the fact that it's against the survival instinct, on a 'soul level' you most probably have a blueprint of something else that needs to happen in your life, new good experiences and more good lessons, to increase wisdom. Your own faith in yourself is, deep down, not yet gone, despite what you think. You don't want to leave without getting something more out of life. There is still a chance.

In spite of the depression, with trying for something better and actually succeeding, it may well have a snowball effect and sort of lift this 'veil' that has clouded our view on life. There's nothing to lose by trying.

That purpose may motivate you more for work, if you are earning for a reason higher than the necessity of it, if you see. Something or somebody, you passionately want to provide for.

Perhaps write a list of ways to achieve this, and work towards it. That energy input and tiredness in the short-term, may well reap dividends in the long term. I'm sorry it has to be this way round, with no certainties, but it can't be helped. You can be the architect of your own life, with believe in yourself followed-up with actions.

Anyway, I wish you luck and hope things can improve, in a way you'd never expect.

 

[Daphna]

It's all I want. I want to die. Life is definitely not worth living. At least mine is not.
I wanted to die for like 25 years now and I I still haven't made a true suicide attempt.
Why?

Like I once went to walk on the railroad tracks with the intention of laying in front of a train, but I turned back.
I was listening to Dark side of the moon, and it just seemed dumb to go trough with it.

I am on a leave of absence from work, but I know someday I will have to go back. If not to that job then another.
I can push myself into working, but it always requires me pushing myself and I get tired. Eventually I can't push myself anymore and I have to go back to the doctors.
It's just too much, I can't do it constantly. I prefer to die.
And I don't see myself on Social Assistance, trying to find 5 cents so I can buy bread.

I don't see any options that are reasonable.

You always have the option to change. Death seems like the easiest solution, but it’s not a solution. It’s an inevitable occurrence that eventually happens to everyone who is alive.
I believe you don’t go through with your suicidal temptations because deep down it’s not what you truly want. You want to live a long happy fulfilling life. We all do. The problem is not knowing the direction to take to get there. We all start out this way. Even those who are accomplished with degrees, and wealth. They find out after all that, their lives are so empty. Like the author of Ecclesiastes says, it’s all vanity under the sun. That same author realized that this world is not our end. It’s not even our beginning. We are simply here for one reason and one reason only. To fear Yahweh and to obey His commandments. This is the whole duty of man. By doing this, we will be rescued from this dying planet and we will live in a new and improved one. One that doesn’t suffer from the evil and darkness as this one does. Pray for direction and seek the answers to your burning questions about life. I’ve looked into every belief system there is. The Bible is the only source that provided me answers and direction. I’ve put them to use and just like it promised, I am blessed in everything I do. This is your option and only you can take it.

 

[JustifiedFlaw]

Your own faith in yourself is, deep down, not yet gone

I think that very well could be a reason