I don't understand why I feel this way

[sadgirl2]

My first husband was abusive. He rarely left marks...mostly made me do things I didn't want to do by force. Would twist my arm behind my back until I would tell him I would do it, or he would pull my then long hair to whereever he wanted me. He would show me over and over how he would kill me. Put a pillow on the couch, my head on it face down, pillow over my head and hold it there until I was almost uncontious and then say, well not this time. Or hold a gun to my head and tell me in detail how I would die. There's lots more.

What I don't get is that this was years ago. I remarried a man who was very angry, but did nothing near what my first husband did. I divoreced husband #2 recently. I don't understand why I feel so bad. I made it through alive. I was in hell. When I left my first husband I was under 100 pounds. I don't remember being sad at the time. I just was trying to survive each day. Why am I so sad now? It just doesn't make sense to me. Every day I wonder what I am living for...

Maybe some day it will make sense.

 

[~CazzaAngel~]

My first husband was abusive. He rarely left marks...mostly made me do things I didn't want to do by force. Would twist my arm behind my back until I would tell him I would do it, or he would pull my then long hair to whereever he wanted me. He would show me over and over how he would kill me. Put a pillow on the couch, my head on it face down, pillow over my head and hold it there until I was almost uncontious and then say, well not this time. Or hold a gun to my head and tell me in detail how I would die. There's lots more.

What I don't get is that this was years ago. I remarried a man who was very angry, but did nothing near what my first husband did. I divoreced husband #2 recently. I don't understand why I feel so bad. I made it through alive. I was in hell. When I left my first husband I was under 100 pounds. I don't remember being sad at the time. I just was trying to survive each day. Why am I so sad now? It just doesn't make sense to me. Every day I wonder what I am living for...

Maybe some day it will make sense.

Hopefuly we can make sense of it someday, I am going through a divorce right now, from an abusive husbands family is friends with cops and work with them.



hun are you going to therapy or anything?


abuse is usaully a harmful confusing thing, that is so hard to get over and let go, I am sure we'll be able to someday, but I am not sure what will happen or when, but we'll make it.


I am here for you I'd love to be friends, I am Carolyn by the way. :hug:


:cheekkiss


xxx,
Carolyn.



PS.
(I am sorry for all the hell you have been through, just know I am here always for you)

 

[consciousinsane]

I'm sorry about your previous relationships. I am a pretty gentle guy with a soft heart. I don't see why a guy could do those horrid things to beautiful women. Anyways, I'm sorry I can't say that I understand, because I've never been in a relationship like that. I can however tell you that the reason you feel sad now and not then is because now you are safe and your brain is begining to let it all sink in and register. Before while you were in these relationships, your mind was not concerned with the emotions of it all, because you were basically in survival mode all the time. Now that things have clamed down, your able to process all that's happened. So what your going thru now is completely normal and to be expected. I do recommend though that you speak to a therapist, counsler, or someone. It will be easier for you to sort thru all these emotions and allow you to deal with them in a healthy way. Otherwise, (not saying you would, but it's common) you may start hating yourself and putting all the blame on you. You may even start making excuses for why you allowed it all to happen. See all this is not true. It's not your fault. You done nothing wrong except try to love someone, and there's nothign wrong with that. Stay strong and know that you are better than these stupid guys, and speak with someone that can help you sort it all out.:rolleyes:

 

[sadgirl2]

Carolyn - I would love to be friends. Thanks for the encouragement.
consciousinsane - thanks for your kind words. I am not a beautiful woman, but I guess it still was no excuse....

I have been going to therapy for a little over a year. Initially to help me stop Self Injury and sort through my marriage and figure out what to do. Both of those are better now and I am divorced. My therapist passed away unexpectedly about a month ago. We had become really close. I am seeing a friend of hers, but I feel like I am starting over. My divorce was final in April and I think your right. Things are starting to calm down so I am now feeling the things I never did before. It gives me hope to kind of understand.

Thanks so much!

Terri

 

[TLA]

Dear SadGirl2,
Maybe I am wrong, I speak only from experience (I wish I had counselor knowledge). This is how it applies to me....when we were in abusive relationships, (codependey or physical, emotional, in home or marriage) a part of your brain, feelings and emotions (heart!!) will shut down so you can focus on daily survival. Now, that you are no longer in the bad, hurtful situation and have time to open up, be introspective and seek some answers about yourself the floodgates open and it can be overwhelming. Reaching out to others, journal, talk online or in theraphy, with friends will aid you tremendously. Surfing the web for sources! You have to take it slow and get to know YOU (Teri) again.
I have been there with my parents and younger life. I am now in early 40's and divorced only 9 mo. If you want to talk more, please feel free.
Hope this helps some!

TLA

 

[sadgirl2]

Thanks so much for your help and advise everyone. I have felt so alone, it is so appreciated. I have been able to open up more to my new therapist. I still miss my old one terribly. She is starting to help me understand these feelings and the type of work we need to do to help.

It does help sometimes to be able to talk to other people who can relate. You can contact me anytime.

Thanks, Terri

 

[sadgirl2]

Going back to church has really been helping me. People have been reaching out to me so I feel like I have some new connections. We did have another tragic death this week, the funeral was yesterday. My sons best friends mother. I went to the hospital last sunday when the accident happened and they just couldn't save her. She left three wonderful kids. The funeral was very sad, yet very moving. I promised myself I will be there for her kids. Ages 22, 16 & 9.

 

[consciousinsane]

Sorry about the funeral. Yet, very glad to hear your doing great at church. I hope you are able to keep high hopes and a goal oriented life! :smile:

 

[sadgirl2]

I am really trying to. I feel really down tonight, but I will try and get more positive by morning. My dad called last night and he just found out he has cancer. Right now they think it is only in one of his kidneys so they are going to remove it. He doesn't live around me and I haven't seen him for a while. I hope I can work it out to see him soon.