I don't understand why i'm feeling like this

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SI51569395, Oct 7, 2016.

  1. SI51569395

    SI51569395 New Member

    Hi,

    Never written on a forum before but here it goes.

    I have a really good life, loving family, boyfriend and live in a beautiful place. But the past 6 months have been very difficult, and my emotions are only getting worse, even the slightest thing that goes wrong in my life i react with instant hopelessness, anxiety, lots and lots of tears and then i start thinking about killing myself. WHY! what is wrong with me!? I feel so selfish thinking all of this because what about everything else that is going on around the world and all the horrible things people have to go through everyday! And what about my parents who are the most loving and giving parents i could ask for who give me everything! And yet Im sitting here writing about how upset i am and how i don't want to live. Maybe i don't deserve to. Only thing i feel that does actually stop me from committing suicide is my family and boyfriend (which i'm sure i will loose soon anyway due to me crying all the time.

    My sister and I had a hard start when we were little , we were abused both physically and sexually by our nanny and their brother and it went on for a few years, my parents had no idea of course and when i was 5 years old I apparently told them what was happening to my sister and I because i knew it wasn't right. I have never actually spoken to my parents about what had happened when we were little and grew up not knowing if those memories i had were real or not until i read my older sisters diary when i was about 10/11 years old and I saw what she had written and then i knew i wasn't weird and making things up. I used to always shove all those memories at the back of my mind so i could try forget but in the past year (I'm 21 now) i have been thinking about it alot and this year is the first time me and my sister very briefly had a cry about it when we were drunk :( But surely after all this time, i cant be feeling this horrible to the point were i don't want to live because of something that happened 19 years ago!!! I woke up in another one of those 'whats the point of life' 'im not happy' kinda mood and when that happens anything sets me off, for instance i realized i lost my purse the night before and I got so wound up and stressed that I was crying like mad looking everywhere for it (only two cards in it no money) and then i started hitting myself really hard in the head but i didn't feel anything. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME ON HOW TO STOP BEING LIKE THIS :'(
     
  2. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    Hello-welcome to SF. I'm so glad that you have come to this forum to begin to acquire proper perspective on your situation. I am a survivor of chronic depression and suicidal ideation. I haven't had self destructive thoughts in over a decade-but things were very different in my past. I know exactly what you're talking about-the anxiety, the feelings of hopelessness, the idea that there is so much suffering in the world but you have it pretty good, so why are you so unhappy? The thing is that you are your own person and you need to find some help to understand your feelings. Other peoples feelings (other people who are suffering for a myriad of reasons) have nothing to do with your situation, your anxiety, your sadness and feelings of despair.

    And yes, things that happened twenty years ago can suddenly get dredged up in your thoughts and cause tremendous confusion and pain. Basically, my opinion is that you need to become very selfish for awhile, seek professional help for your feelings of hopelessness because you deserve it. How your suffering measures up against other peoples suffering is irrelevant-everyone responds to things differently, but the end result is still the same, feelings that are very painful and could eventually have a catastrophic outcome. Please be kind to yourself and find some help-everyone in your life will benefit from you feeling better about yourself, most of all you because you completely deserve it. Good luck-LT
     
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear to what happened to you in the past to you and your sister. You have no doubt suffered emotionally and it has affected you. I strongly suggest you speak to a therapist about your experience.

    You are hurting a lot and you are among people who understand what you are going through. We deal with each situation differently and the stress you are feeling is very hurtful. There is a point in life as you are a fellow human being who is hurting but the SF family care for YOU.

    Please do not hurt yourself as you are a deserving person who needs our support. I know you are hurting but please use the chat rooms here to speak to others. We feel your pain and no longer you have to face it on your own.

    Take care and please keep posting here.
     
  4. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Hi, I can relate to how you're feeling. My repressed memories of my upbringing surfaced in 2003 as I was recovering from burnout. It was devastating and I wasn't equipped emotionally to handle it. I cried over everything, because my mind was so full up with negativity and fear that any little thing that would have normally just annoyed me or concerned me, was the end of the world. I agree that you might want to seek therapy to help you work through the memories and somehow try to accept that it's your past and that you can move on. It took me 9 years of therapy and I only started to deal with it at age 33. I think you'll find a lot of comfort here on the forum too. What if you and your sister started therapy together? Is that possible? You'd have that support and the both of you will grow stronger together?